Apr. 19th, 2011

Babble

Apr. 19th, 2011 10:42 pm
aubreym: Ocean beach at sunset (Default)
I want to do better about documenting this pregnancy, because there is the possibility that I won't have another one.  And I should be writing in here more often anyway.  Otherwise my life just goes by and I barely notice, or I don't remember, or reflect or something.  I'm not sure.  

Still pregnant.  I wonder how many days I will say this before I stop.  Maybe until I go into labor.  Or maybe just until I finish the first trimester.  Much like when I was pregnant with Tai, every time I go to the bathroom I check everything out to make sure there's no blood.  At least this time I'm never hoping that there is.

Though for the first time today I had a moment of 'holy shit, what the fuck have I done?'  I was thinking about how things are going to change for Tai and I felt unaccountably guilty.  And a little nostalgic.  I'm not going to be able to hold him in my arms again like I used to when he was a baby.  Sure, I can still hold him and cuddle him, but not the same way.  Even though he's been wanting a sibling (a sister, specifically), he doesn't know exactly what this will mean.  (Of course, I guess I don't know either.)  

What if I love Tai more than the new baby?  What if I love the new baby more than Tai?  What if Tai doesn't get any attention from me anymore?  I will miss him when I'm busy with a new baby!  I know, it's all normal stuff.  It's just what's on my mind.

I've also been considering what I want to do for this birth (assuming all goes well).   On one hand, I would like to try for a home birth again.  On the other hand, Tom may not be willing to try that at all.  I'm also considering going to UCSF - I've heard good things about one of the midwives there (she helped a friend deliver her baby, and my friend had a really good experience with her).  Lisa points out that I don't have to decide yet (obviously) and gave me a good suggestion - call the midwife that I'm interested in having for my birth and talk to her... and I can see when I should decide by, to make sure her schedule doesn't fill up!  I can also go to UCSF and see what I think about it there, too.  

I'm getting ahead of myself, too.  First I need to have the baby decide to stick around.  So far so good... but I'm nervous, of course.  I know that I can't control it (thank you for the reminder, Lisa!  Also, I typed that as 'can control' first.  Ha!) but it's so hard to let go.  So hard to have faith.  Fits right in with what I'm working on at AA, too.  I'm on the Third Step, and one of the big things is to turn my will and my life over to the care of God (as I understand God).  I know I don't have control, but it's hard to get that through my heart.  God, grant me the serenity.

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aubreym: Ocean beach at sunset (Default)
aubreym

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