aubreym: Ocean beach at sunset (Default)
[personal profile] aubreym
I don't even know where to begin.  I'm still pregnant - in the beginning of my second trimester (woo!)... somewhere around 14 weeks and 5 days.  It's less clear than I thought because I was counting from my last period, and I'm not too clear on how long my cycles are (I only had 4 before I got pregnant - after about 4 years or so of none)... I had a computer program that estimated the length of my cycle based on those months, but I don't know exactly when I ovulated.  And I had several days of sex around the right time.  

When I went and got the ultrasound for the neuchal translucency screening, the technician said that the baby almost wasn't big enough for the test.  I was a little worried for a while - was the baby not growing?  Her helpful answer - "I don't know.  I haven't measured you before."  Gee, thanks.  Fortunately other people reminded me that I don't know the exact date of conception, so it's not time to worry about baby size.  I'm ... mostly... relieved.  On the up side - the guppy was moving around in there and the heart beat was 164.  

So when I'm not worrying about whether the baby is still in there, I'm thinking about the birth and trying to talk about it with Tom.  Even though we both agreed on home birth with Tai, he's less sure this time around - and this is putting it mildly.  He's convinced that birth is suddenly "very dangerous" and "very risky".  The only place it should be done is in the hospital.  That will make it much safer.  And though he says that this is my body, my birth and my choice and he "will support me", he says this is my choice and I need to "own it".  Which means, to him, that I'm "responsible" for the outcome.  Whatever that is.  Even though I asked him, he can't tell me what it is, exactly, that he's worried about doing this at home.  I was hoping that I could see if there are ways we could reassure him - to solve those concerns.  Or, if not, I could understand better and maybe decide to go into the hospital because it's so important for him.  But he won't admit that his feelings about birth aren't researched or logical - which is fine!  But he thinks I need to make my case *for* homebirth completely logically and researched.  Even though I've sent him some of the research I have done.  

He says I'm not going to change his mind, he's not going to change mine, so I just need to "own the decision".  Except I really believe this is a decision we should come to *together*.  We are partners, spouses, not friends or roommates.  I just don't know how to make this happen.  I mean, we don't have to agree - but I want us both to feel comfortable with this.  He says this whole idea about homebirth is just about me, not the baby.  And when I try to explain that it's both, he just rolls his eyes and refuses to believe me.

We won't even go into what it's going to be like talking to my mom about this.  She is completely convinced that I would be risking almost certain death for my baby or myself by trying this at home.  I was talking about it with Wendy, and she pointed out that I'll have to have a firm boundary about talking about this with Mom.  Like - "I've made my decision, it's an informed decision, and you're welcome to have your feelings about it, but I'm not willing to debate it."  And then just leave it.  Let her work through her feelings herself, in her own therapy.  I think the hardest part is the idea that I have to let her have her feelings - even if she's worried about me, or angry with me, or upset at me.  And maybe that's partially what I'm worried about with Tom, too.  Our relationship feels so fragile, I can't imagine it surviving if things go wrong.  Even if there's no proof of what caused a "bad" outcome.

I just want to say fuck all you all.  Fuck this shit.  You say it's my choice and I need to own it?  Fine.  I choose to do this at home.  I am going to do it.  Screw the fear, screw the ignorance, screw people who aren't pregnant telling me what to do.  Part of me wants to do it, just because they think I can't.

I want this birth to be the best possible for me and my baby and I believe that the best way to do that is at home.  Yes, part of it is about me.  Because it's my body!  My experience.  And I have done the research.  I am not going into this blind.

I don't want this to feel like a fight with the people who are the most important in my life.  I feel like I'm going to have enough work to deal with my previous labor and birth experience, to prepare for this one, without having to deal with their stuff too.  But I don't think doing it in the hospital is the right thing!  It might be, for them, but not me.  There will be enough work for me to have a natural birth without working against all of the people in the hospital who might push me in a different direction.

I know what's right for me - but I am not doing this alone.   I have *no* idea where to go with this.

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aubreym: Ocean beach at sunset (Default)

July 2011

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