aubreym: Ocean beach at sunset (Default)
Tai and I spend at least part of every day outside.  Tai loves to run around and burn off energy, and it's good for me to get fresh air too.  In fact, I should probably run around as well - but that's another story.  This evening we stopped at the Noe Valley Rec center playground, even though it was getting dark.  I figured we could play for a bit and wait for Tom's shuttle and go home together.  Tai'd napped late so he wasn't exhausted.  We were the only ones at the playground when we arrived.  There were some teenaged boys playing basketball on the courts and we could hear kids playing a game inside the gym.  

Tai spent at least twenty minutes running around, kicking his ball both to me and just for himself.  This is after he'd run several blocks from the Noe Library to Starbucks.  (No, I didn't give him any coffee.  He clearly didn't need it.)  Watching him play made me smile.  He had such a good time just running.  Then, before Tom arrived, the boys who were playing inside the gym came running out. The game was evidently over.  They were shouting 'we won, we won!' and exalting.  (Though there was one boy who was lamenting a loss, and several of the winners went over to comfort him.  I thought that was particularly sweet, as they were probably 10 or so.  Old enough to be tough, but clearly still caring about each other.)  These older boys had the same joy of motion that Tai did.  A comfort with their bodies.

I'm sure there are girls who are comfortable in their bodies as well.  I haven't been one of them, at least not since I was probably 5 or 6.  And I haven't been friends with any of them (maybe because I didn't play sports?  I'm not sure.)  I'm also sure there are boys who are not comfortable with or in their bodies, though I have known only one or maybe two. I just know that I have a barely civil relationship with my body.  When I'm not actively sick, or in pain, I mostly ignore that I have a body.  Once in a while, though, I find pride in my body.  When I was pregnant, I felt powerful.  Breastfeeding feels powerful too, though in a different way.  But these times are rare.  Even so, I aim to do everything I can so Tai can hold on to this joy he has in his physicality.  I want him to know that even if he's not 'perfectly' built for whatever reason, he can still love this flesh that moves him from place to place.  That lets him dance.

~ * ~

In other, less high-falutin' news, I'm still working on the anxiety.  This weekend got me into a bit of a spin.  I'm putting a call in to my psychiatrist to see if the meds need tweaking.

Instead of NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month), I think I'm going to do WriSoMiFu (Write Something, you Miserable Fuck) on LJ.  It would be better than nothing.  I haven't finished a NaNoWriMo project yet, and I couldn't keep working on my novel for it this year.  So, instead of losing a month of work on my novel (hahaha) I am going to try something new.  Plus, this community sounds like a laugh.
aubreym: Ocean beach at sunset (Default)
Apparently I didn't avoid Tai's cold after all.  I'm sore-throat, mucus girl this evening.  And I'm tired - though that could be from the rough sleep night last night.  I need to remember to give Tai tylenol before bed since he's still working on his bottom molars.  So, instead of working on my novel pages that are due tomorrow, I'm posting the bits and pieces I've been thinking about for the past few days.

Tai has started saying two words together once in a while.  The other day Tom slept in the guest room (he'd been out drinking and if he comes home late and beer-full he tends to wake me up with insane levels of snoring).  When Tai woke up he wondered where Tom was.  I said we should go find him and called 'Where are you?'  After a minute, Tai echoed me - 'Are you?  Are you?'  Complete with sing-song tone and shrug.  I thought he just copied me, but today he was looking for me and he said, "Mama?  Are you?"  And then I died of the kyute.

He's singing more, and the other day when he started to play with his Little People farm he sang 'e-i-e-i-o' (of Old MacDonald) all of his own volition.

We've been going to Story Time at Red Hill books pretty regularly.  It helps to push his one nap to around midafternoon so neither of us loses our mind before Tom gets home.  And it's fun for him to hang out with other kids and sing songs.  It's hard though - he's so exuberant.  He likes to go right up to the person who is doing the story time and touch their legs or just be close.  He tends to vocalize his excitement and to race back to me, sometimes barreling right through other kids.  On the one hand, I want to teach him appropriate behavior (whatever that is) but I don't want to stifle his enthusiasm or make him feel like he can't be himself.  I want him to have fun, to express his enjoyment.  It is a story hour for kids his age, and usually the people who are leading seem to enjoy his pleasure.  I've spent so much of my life worrying about doing the right thing, acting the right way, fitting in... I don't want him to be stuck with all of that fear.  But I also don't want people to dislike being around him.  I know this push/pull is only going to get more obvious as he gets older and goes to preschool.   

I've also been reading a book about being fat in America, and one of the short essays is about the author who was told she was fat ever since she was three and four.  It stuck with her, the memory of being considered fat and therefore inferior, even from such a young age.  I am not saying Tai is fat - I don't believe he is.  But people often comment about how big he is.  Sure, he's sturdy.  I never worry about him getting run over when he's in a crowd of toddlers.  I do, however, want to avoid too much body commentary, even in ways that seem harmless now.  For example - so many people say 'he's so big!  He's going to be a football player!'  This sounds good enough - but what if he grows up to be average, or smaller than average?  Will he feel like he's not as good because he doesn't have that build?

I want to be aware as I bring Tai up.  I want to help him to feel comfortable in his skin.  It's not a feeling that's easy to come by in our culture.  
aubreym: Ocean beach at sunset (Default)
Tai in Golden Gate Park I just have to take a minute to say how adorable I think that hat is on Tai.  It's still a little big, even though his head is 'freakishly huge' and the hat is a size small.  Every boy needs a sky blue hat with Hawaiian flower print. 

Today the three of us went to Golden Gate park, since we were going to visit a house that's for sale in the Inner Sunset for Mom.  I've been feeling like walking lately, so we parked by the house which was at 9th Ave between Noriega and Moraga.  We headed down to the arboretum (which is one of my favorite places in the park) and soaked up some sun. 


aubreym: Ocean beach at sunset (Default)

July 2011

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