Brain Dump

Jun. 13th, 2010 11:08 pm
aubreym: Ocean beach at sunset (Default)
I had a shit week.  Big panic attack last monday night (prompted by Tai throwing up), and ended up spending all day Tuesday and much of the day Wednesday holding myself together by the skin of my teeth.  I'm still working to get it through my head that every parent makes mistakes, and every parent has things that are difficult to handle.  No one can be there for their kid one hundred percent of the time.  I didn't scare Tai, Tom was home and with him... but I felt (and sometimes still feel) like a completely shitty mother who is going to screw up her son either by the mistakes she makes or the genetics she passes down.  I'm getting my head back together, but it was rough.

Tai is doing fine.  I think the vomiting was actually a result of Tom's overzealous tooth brushing and Tai's super-sensitive gag reflex.  He had a bit of a fever a couple of days later, but that was probably teething related.  What was really weird, was on Friday he didn't pee for almost 24 hours.  He was drinking normally, didn't have a fever or anything... just didn't pee.  On the advice of a call-in nurse and the intarwebs, we took him to the pediatric ER - where he got all checked in, then promptly peed in huge amounts - through his diaper, over the gown he was wearing, all over my leg and onto the floor.  They checked him out and he seemed to be fine, but they asked us to bring in a urine sample.  One thing I didn't like - before i knew what was going to happen, while the doctor was checking him out  he retracted Tai's foreskin.  I guess he thought the skin might have covered his urethra, but it seems like that would have been a problem before now.   On the up side, it didn't seem to hurt Tai at all.  The doctor figures he was dehydrated, but I don't know.  We'll see what the results of the urine test are.

Richard and Judy are in town and Tai is having a blast with his Mimi and Popa.  There has been a lot of playground time and general craziness.  He's going to have a hard time when they go, after four days of non-stop attention from at least two people at all times.  But every night, he's wanted me to help him go to sleep.  Not Daddy, not Mimi.  Me.  I have to say, I don't really mind, even when it takes a while.  It gives us a chance to cuddle up together and relax.

Tai is talking up a storm lately, too.  He tells us exactly what he's thinking, what he wants.  Some of his favorite things to say:

"I've got an idea."  When I ask what his idea is about, he says, "Idea's about.... trees (for example, when we were camping)."
"I'm not a monkey (or lamb, or munchkin or whatever pet term someone is using), I'm a boy."
"When I grow up up up, I'm gonna be a football man."

He sings the ABC's all by himself. 

He's mostly sleeping through the night by himself in his own big boy bed (though sometimes he comes to visit us, or needs to sleep with us if he isn't feeling well).  He does like to keep holding my boobies as he falls asleep.

He loves to play "Plants Vs. Zombies" on the iPad.

He loves to sing 'Happy Birthday" to whoever he is thinking of at the time.  Before bed, he says, "Good night sleep tight" to me and daddy and Luna and Cocoa.

He likes to write emails to Ba (my Mom) and Violetta (her dog).  The emails usually say 'happy birthday' and some various noises that are hard to spell, like the sound of a dog panting, or a raspberrying tongue.

He likes to kiss my booboos to make them feel better.

The other day, when he was a little feverish, he sat close to me on the couch and said, "I love you Mama.  I love you.  I love you lots."  Yes, I did melt.

Tai is my sweetest boy - and I am the luckiest Mom in the world to have him.
 

aubreym: Ocean beach at sunset (Default)
Since I have a few new friends (Thanks Moms_Anon friendfrenzy!  I finally participated in one of these and I'm excited to get to know all of the new peeps.) and since I haven't updated my journal in, approximately, forever, I figured I'd do a brief introduction/catch - up post.  I'm going to make an attempt to journal more regularly - but I also say this every few months and have a hard time sticking to it.  It's funny - I have stuff to say, but I either talk myself out of it by figuring it's boring or I'm so worn out by evening that I it's all I can do to harvest my crops in Farmville.  (I have to stop playing that game.  Such a waste of time.)  I was just reading my notes from a novel-writing class I took a while ago, and the teacher had some good advice to keep those of us who tend to short-circuit our writing by perfectionism, "Lower your standards and go on".  After all, if nothing gets onto the page it doesn't matter how good or bad it is in my head.  Personally, I think I need to use that motto in living my life too.  There's no perfection, only progress. 

So - how to sum up me in a few words?  First of all, I guess I should say that I'm not good at using only a few words.  I'm a writer and I am not good at writing short stories.  I tend to novel-length pieces, unless I'm writing fanfic, where I can get out a shorter piece.  I'm not sure why that is. 

I am a thirty-something, first time mom of a boy, Tai.  I'm married to Tom, who I have been together with since we started dating in my junior year of high school.  He's a computer-geek, which I find both sexy and frustrating in equal measures.  I often feel like we aren't speaking the same language and we need to work on our communication.  However, he is a great dad, and he and Tai have a good relationship.  That means all the world to me, since my Dad and I have a fraught, barely-hanging-in-there sort of relationship.   Fortunately, my Mom and I have a fabulous relationship.  Sometimes we tend to be almost too close, but I'd rather that than the reverse.  I have a younger brother, Q, who lives down in Palm Desert.  He's a pain in the ass sometimes, but I know that no matter what he has my back - and I have his.  We're family, and that means a lot to both of us.

I live in San Francisco, and have been here for 11 years now.  Before that I was in Michigan and Maryland.  I don't think I'll ever leave this city.  I am completely spoiled by the weather, the people, the liberal leaning politics.  All of which fit my hippie sensibilities.  I've made some fabulous friends here and have become part of a neighborhood mother's group.  Both friends and my group have kept me feeling relatively sane and as I make my way as a mother, wife, and person.  I am blessed by them.

I am a stay at home mom right now - I was training as a Marriage and Family Therapist before that, concentrating in grief therapy.  I wasn't very good at self-care and burned out before I even got licensed.  I left the field abruptly after a bout of anxiety that just about kicked my ass.  It wasn't pretty.  I'm considering what I want to do with my life, but haven't decided yet.  I'm thinking about opening a co-op preschool, becoming a doula and possibly a midwife, and just working my ass off to finally finish my novel and become a Real Writer.

I'm bisexual, polyamorous (though monogamous by default at the moment), fat, feminist, vegetarian, pro-choice, and spiritually seeking.  All of these are things I feel strongly about, though I am in no way militant and am more than happy to discuss many view points about all of this stuff.  The longer I'm a parent, the more I believe that we're all just trying the best we can to do the right thing and muddling together though this messy world.
aubreym: Ocean beach at sunset (Default)
This afternoon Tai and I headed over to [livejournal.com profile] neuraltube 's place to celebrate Blue's birthday.  Tai had a blast, playing with the big kids and checking out all of Blue's cool toys.  It took him a minute or two to warm up, since we were (almost) the last ones there, and he'd been sleeping in the car.  But pretty soon he was flirting with [livejournal.com profile] janisfan  and [livejournal.com profile] artemis_rich .  Unfortunately, I was not as adorable.  I'm not too sure what my deal was, I just got an attack of the awkwards.  Every now and again I get overly self-conscious and I start over-thinking how I'm coming across to people and I start to feel like a big dork who is just lurking around the edges of a group. Which makes me act like a big dork who is lurking around the edges of a group.  Lame.  I certainly didn't make my best impression, but I showed up - which is a much bigger thing than it sounds.  Usually I'll just hide out at home.  Tai, on the other hand, always loves a good party and I didn't want to deprive him.  Plus,  I wanted to wish Blue a happy 4th birthday.  He's such a big kid, and so amazingly sweet to Tai.  When Tai arrived, Blue gave him the nicest hug and kiss.  I wish I'd had a camera.

While I know it's good for the state and all, I am so bummed that it's raining again.  Tai and I have been enjoying running around the neighborhood and haunting the playground every day.  What are we going to do with ourselves while it's raining?  Maybe I'll have to find him a raincoat to go withe the boots I got him and we can see what the city is like in the rain.  Tai loves to make the covers over PG&E meters clank when he stomps on them - I bet he'll dig stomping in puddles.

I've been doing a lot of reading on Livejournal lately, trying to keep up with RaceFail '09.  A lot has been said, some of it batshit insane, but some of it well-written and insightful.  I especially found both parts of Mary-Anne Mohanraj's entry on John Scalzi's blog really amazing.  More to say about this soon - but not tonight.  It's too late for using of the brain.

Also - Mel is coming to town next month.  I cannot wait!  



aubreym: Ocean beach at sunset (Default)
I haven't updated in ages.  I hope to get back on track, so I'm just getting some words down on the screen to break the block.  It's funny, I have had posts in my mind, but haven't actually sat my butt down to write any of them.  I'm not sure what that's about.  

Tai and I are down in the desert with Mom, McGee and Quin.  Tom's in China - he left on the 25th and he won't be back until March 7th.  Hopefully he won't have to stay longer, which has happened several times in the past.  We're having a good time.  Tai loves hanging out with his Granddad and his Uncle.  He's in a phase where he's always wanting to hang out with other guys.  We went to a Child Observation class last week and there was one dad among all of the moms and Tai wanted to show him everything.  

Tai thinks the desert house is the best - there's so much room to run around.  He's walking and walking - I had to buy him a new pair of shoes because the little ones we got at Mervyn's are totally falling apart.  He also digs the pool.  He took to it instantly - if we let him, he'd just dive right in.  He doesn't know how to swim, but he loves to float when someone's holding him and he playes on the stairs, climbing in and out.  (He is such a fan of stairs.)

He's a little sports fiend, too.  When we were at the park the other evening he spent a bunch of time watching a group of guys playing basket ball. He would have wlked right onto the court if I had let him.  When we all went out to dinner at the Yard House (for my birthday) he was engrossed by a basket ball game on TV.  The minute he found his football here, he held it under one arm and held the other arm up so Grandma could say 'touchdown!'  I have no idea how Tom's genes combined with mine to make a sports fan.

He is eating a ton, too.  He has three meals a day (yes, I know - just like the rest of us) and some of his favorite things are: omlettes, mushrooms, pasta shaped like Elmo, burritoes, Morning Star Farms veggie sausages, yogurt, bananas, apples, strawberries, kiwi, broccoli and whatever you're eating.  He hates it when we're having something he can't.

I'm taking time to enjoy the sun, read a bit and consider writing.  Next up: a real journal entry and work on the novel.
aubreym: Ocean beach at sunset (Default)
Without Holidailies to keep me honest, I'm just not so good at getting journal entries together.  Add to this the fact that I forget a thought almost as quickly as I have it, I'm going to stick to bullet points in this entry.  We'll see whether I come back to any topic or not.  I'll do my best!

Read more... )

aubreym: Ocean beach at sunset (Tai)
I've been terrible about keeping up to date on here.  I'm starting to lose track of exactly when things happen with Tai because I haven't been writing them down.  Bad Momma.  The plan is - catch-up entry, then shorter entries to at least capture highlights.  Of course I've said this before and not succeeded, but I'll keep trying!

Read more... )

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aubreym: Ocean beach at sunset (Default)
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