Brain Dump

Jun. 13th, 2010 11:08 pm
aubreym: Ocean beach at sunset (Default)
I had a shit week.  Big panic attack last monday night (prompted by Tai throwing up), and ended up spending all day Tuesday and much of the day Wednesday holding myself together by the skin of my teeth.  I'm still working to get it through my head that every parent makes mistakes, and every parent has things that are difficult to handle.  No one can be there for their kid one hundred percent of the time.  I didn't scare Tai, Tom was home and with him... but I felt (and sometimes still feel) like a completely shitty mother who is going to screw up her son either by the mistakes she makes or the genetics she passes down.  I'm getting my head back together, but it was rough.

Tai is doing fine.  I think the vomiting was actually a result of Tom's overzealous tooth brushing and Tai's super-sensitive gag reflex.  He had a bit of a fever a couple of days later, but that was probably teething related.  What was really weird, was on Friday he didn't pee for almost 24 hours.  He was drinking normally, didn't have a fever or anything... just didn't pee.  On the advice of a call-in nurse and the intarwebs, we took him to the pediatric ER - where he got all checked in, then promptly peed in huge amounts - through his diaper, over the gown he was wearing, all over my leg and onto the floor.  They checked him out and he seemed to be fine, but they asked us to bring in a urine sample.  One thing I didn't like - before i knew what was going to happen, while the doctor was checking him out  he retracted Tai's foreskin.  I guess he thought the skin might have covered his urethra, but it seems like that would have been a problem before now.   On the up side, it didn't seem to hurt Tai at all.  The doctor figures he was dehydrated, but I don't know.  We'll see what the results of the urine test are.

Richard and Judy are in town and Tai is having a blast with his Mimi and Popa.  There has been a lot of playground time and general craziness.  He's going to have a hard time when they go, after four days of non-stop attention from at least two people at all times.  But every night, he's wanted me to help him go to sleep.  Not Daddy, not Mimi.  Me.  I have to say, I don't really mind, even when it takes a while.  It gives us a chance to cuddle up together and relax.

Tai is talking up a storm lately, too.  He tells us exactly what he's thinking, what he wants.  Some of his favorite things to say:

"I've got an idea."  When I ask what his idea is about, he says, "Idea's about.... trees (for example, when we were camping)."
"I'm not a monkey (or lamb, or munchkin or whatever pet term someone is using), I'm a boy."
"When I grow up up up, I'm gonna be a football man."

He sings the ABC's all by himself. 

He's mostly sleeping through the night by himself in his own big boy bed (though sometimes he comes to visit us, or needs to sleep with us if he isn't feeling well).  He does like to keep holding my boobies as he falls asleep.

He loves to play "Plants Vs. Zombies" on the iPad.

He loves to sing 'Happy Birthday" to whoever he is thinking of at the time.  Before bed, he says, "Good night sleep tight" to me and daddy and Luna and Cocoa.

He likes to write emails to Ba (my Mom) and Violetta (her dog).  The emails usually say 'happy birthday' and some various noises that are hard to spell, like the sound of a dog panting, or a raspberrying tongue.

He likes to kiss my booboos to make them feel better.

The other day, when he was a little feverish, he sat close to me on the couch and said, "I love you Mama.  I love you.  I love you lots."  Yes, I did melt.

Tai is my sweetest boy - and I am the luckiest Mom in the world to have him.

Bad Mood

Sep. 13th, 2009 09:24 pm
aubreym: Ocean beach at sunset (Default)
I'm not sure what it is - maybe it's the weather - but I have been in a most foul mood this last week.  I'm starting to wonder whether I might be depressed.  I've stopped writing, mostly.  (Even for my class.  I missed one week of writing and the week before that I only wrote 5 new pages, double spaced.)  I've found myself hiding out a bit more than usual.  Not avoiding people, in particular, but not seeking anyone out, either.  Part of that is because Tai was sick for half of last week, then Tom was sick the other half - so I'm still worried about passing on the flu.  (Possibly swine flu, but we aren't sure because neither of them was sick enough to warrant testing.)  I'm irritable with just about everyone, especially Tom.  

I'm having a hard time deciding how much of my mood is situational (not enough solid sleep nights, not feeling supported by Tom pretty much regularly, not getting many breaks in toddler care, etc) and how much is possibly a recurrence of depression.  I've started talking about it with Wendy, but I also need to make an appointment with my psychiatrist.  I might need a med tweak.

I'm just not finding as much pleasure in things as I had been.  I don't feel light.  I've been more anxious.  Angry randomly.  And so lonely.  It's silly - I have friends, people I could get together with if I'd just pick up the phone... but I mostly don't.  There are things I want to do, I just can't seem to get up the initiative to do them.  I want to finish the scrapbook of Tai's first year.  I want to start doing more with my photographs.  I want to start sewing for Tai (and maybe for other kidlets).  But I find myself in front of the TV and the laptop and books night after night. I'm diving into books, and hiding out from the rest of the world.

Fortunately I haven't been taking it out on Tai - at least not much.  I am a bit shorter of temper, less willing to put up with the whining and the tantrums which have been plentiful since he was sick.  But some of my best times and best moods are with him.  We were sitting on the porch one evening recently and he was playing with a new bubble gun Tom's mom bought him.  We were watching the bubbles float across the street and up into the sky.  It was simple, but fun.  And there have been a couple of nights that I'm rocking and nursing him to sleep, or for naps, where I finally feel myself taking deep, full breaths and I am so deeply content.

I actually went to church today - an Episcopal church (I was raised *very* slightly Episcopal).  It was different than any church I'd been to before.  It felt like a family sitting together, more than anything.  I was awkward, as usual in a new setting, but I think I'm going to go back.  One of these days I'm going to find my spiritual home - I think that will help.


aubreym: Ocean beach at sunset (Default)

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