aubreym: Ocean beach at sunset (Default)
Apparently therapists want the same things their patients do.  Tom and I are watching "In Treatment" again.  I love watching a series about a therapist doing therapy, even though there are things that would *never* actually happen.  At least, not legally or ethically.  Anyway - Paul, the therapist, is meeting with his therapist/supervisor/friend Gina and he's going around and around about something and she says, "What do you want from me?"  And he says, "I want you to tell me what to do."  How many times have I said that very thing to Wendy?  While I often think everyone's lives would be infinitely easier if only they let me run them, there are times I wish that I didn't have to figure my life out myself.  I'd like someone to tell me what to do so I can make sure I'm doing it right.  I have a hard time remembering that there is no right way to do it.  We're all just doing the best we can with what we have.

There are a couple of clients Paul has that I'm not too interested in, but the other two are going to be all sorts of button-pressing for me.  One is a boy whose parents are divorcing and he's torn between them.  The other is a woman in her twenties who has been diagnosed with lymphoma.  She storms out of session without making an appointment for the next session, then avoids Paul's calls.  It reminds me of a client I had who was suicidal.  I still have no idea what happened to her.  Sometimes being a therapist sucked.

Paul is burning out, and I see myself in him.  (Not now, but before - when I was still doing grief work).  On the one hand, it feels good to see that.  To know that I'm not the only one who has burned out.  But on the other hand, it seems that he's going to be working through it.   And sometimes I wonder whether I should have tried to do that instead of giving up.  It didn't mean that I was a bad therapist, either.  I'm still working through it, I guess.  And trying to figure out what I'm doing in my life.
aubreym: Ocean beach at sunset (Default)
I'm not much good at introducing myself.  Summing myself up in a few pithy sentences and tying it all with a pretty bow.  I'll have to settle for straightforward.  I'm 32 (almost 33).  I fancy myself a writer, though I haven't been writing as much as I'd like lately.  (Or, well, ever.)  Currently I'm a stay-at-home mom of an almost 10 month old boy named Tai.  He's where most of my creative energy has been going for the past 19 months (give or take).  I'm married to a computer geek, Tom.  We are muddling through this first year of parenthood, learning what that means for each of us as well as what it means to us as a family.  Most of the time we can still laugh together.  I'm bisexual, and polyamorous.  I'm still trying to figure out What I Want to Be When I Grow Up, after burning out as a therapist-in-training.  I'm also trying to figure out where I fit spirituality-wise.   I live in San Francisco.  I have two dogs.  I have a few close friends, some who live close, some who live far away.  I have a kick-ass relationship with my Mom.  I tend toward anxiety and shyness but I'm working on both of those things.  Now that I have a kid I feel like I need to be an adult in a way I haven't before.  I'm not sure what Adult means, but the attempt has been causing some growing pains.  

~ * ~

The Moms' Group met at Holly Park today.  Fortunately it was sunny and warm and it was good to get out of the house.  All of the babies were a little runny nosed, which means I didn't have to worry about the fact that Tai isn't totally over his latest cold.  He enjoyed riding the teeter-totter with Dottie, swinging, and eating Cheerios off the ground.  Yum!  (We don't feed him at home.)  I'm looking forward to this weekend - having Tom home means I get a little break from constant Tai-care, and I feel like I am able to be a lot more present and patient that way.  Mostly I just love having an hour or so in bed alone after the boys get up and go downstairs.  Ah, stretching out!
aubreym: Ocean beach at sunset (Default)
Since my last writing workshop ended, I've been feeling the need to find a new community of writers to keep some level of motivation going.  Then I came across [personal profile] brigits_flame.  In order to play, we need to write an introduction post.  So, then, this is me.  (Or the closest I can come in words at the moment.  I reserve the right to change.  In fact, I hope to.)

I'm a 32 year old woman.  I live in San Francisco. I'm married to my high-school boyfriend, Tom (we've been together approximately forever).  I have one son, Tai. He's just 4.5 months old and I am crazy in love with him.  Being a mother is a whole new world, and it's both made me understand things in a whole new way and also caused me to spout cliches as though they were deep life truths.   

Labels:  Bisexual.  Polyamorous.  Spiritual seeker.  Feminist.  Burned out therapist.  Novelist (in theory).   Fangirl (write it, read it, live it.  Yeah.)

I read like books are going out of style (which they very well may be, depending on who you ask). I read fiction, non-fiction, magazines... whatever happens to speak to my obsession at the moment.  I watch too much TV.  I enjoy some movies - at the moment, Stranger than Fiction is a new favorite. 

I tend toward anxiety.  I have a special talent for anticipatory anxiety.  But when push comes to shove, I do what needs to be done.

I also tend toward shyness, but I love deeply and long.  I have few friends, but they are part of my family.

My wish for myself, and everyone else is to live life, no matter what.
aubreym: Ocean beach at sunset (Default)
[personal profile] twirlgrrl posted this a couple of days ago and, since I can't think of anything deep to write, I figured I'd answer these questions:

You know how sometimes people on your friend's list post about stuff going on in their life, and all of a sudden you think "Wait a minute! Since when are they working THERE? Since when are they dating HIM/HER? Since when???" And then you wonder how you could have missed all that seemingly pretty standard information, but somehow you feel too ashamed to ask for clarification because it seems like info you *should* already know? It happens to all of us sometimes.

Please copy mine below, erase my answers putting yours in their place then post it in your journal. Please elaborate on the questions that would benefit from elaboration!

1. First Name: Aubrey

2. Age: 32

3. Location: San Francisco

4. Occupation: Short answer - stay-at-home Mom (!).  Long answer - aspiring novelist (still working on an as-yet-untitled novel that I started about 5 years ago.  It's starting to get moving, finally.  And I may have a title).  And I'm considering going back to school (again) to get  a nursing degree so I can be a certified nurse-midwife.  (There's an even longer discussion about that.)  I've got a lot of feelings around not having a paying job right now.  I still need to figure that out, because even if I do get a paying job tomorrow, any money I make would end up going toward child care.

5. Partner?: Husband, Tom. 

6. Kids: My son, Tai, who is 4 months old.  I *still* can't believe I  have a son.  It's amazing.

7. Brothers/Sisters: One younger brother (4 years younger).  He lives in Southern California with a roomie and three dogs (plus his roomie's dog).  He's got a job as a home theater installation tech.  I admire him for how he's found his own way in life, even when it hasn't been the easiest, or the safest.  And I know he's always got my back, just like I have his.  When we were kids we'd fight like cats and dogs, but the minute anyone tried to get on either of our case, we'd unite and take them on.  I wish he lived closer. 

8. Pets: Currently two dogs, Luna and Cocoa.  They're a bit sad to have been displaced by the baby.  I try to show them I still love them.  And they seem to have no problems with Tai. 

9. List the 3-5 biggest things going on in your life:

1 - 3: Tai.  Sometimes I might feel overwhelmed by taking care of him, but it's so worth it.  Watching him learn and grow day by day is like nothing else in my life.  I love playing with him and showing him the world.  I love watching him take it all in. 
4: My spiritual search - I'm feeling confused about this, but it's a need that I can't walk away from.
5: My writing - slow, yes.  But moving along.

10) Where and for what did you go to school?:  I went to the University of Maryland, Baltimore County for my freshman year of college, then transferred to UMass Amherst.  I majored in English, preparing me well to be a SAHM.  Then I went to New College of Cailifornia (since closed!) and got my Masters in Psychology (Feminist concentration).  I got some hours toward my Marriage and Family Therapist license, then burned out.

11) Parents?: My Mom lives half time in San Francisco, half time in Southern California.  She's not working for the moment - she's in recovery from a job from hell.  She's trying to figure out what she wants to be when she grows up.  My step-dad lives part time in DC, part time in Southern California, and visits SF.  He's retired.  My Dad and step-mom (number 2, heh) live in Michigan.  He's retired, used to work in the GM truck factory in Flint, MI.  My Mom and I are very close.  Dad and I are working on our relationship.

Questions?  Feel free to ask!  I love to babble.

About Me

Sep. 27th, 2006 07:15 pm
aubreym: Ocean beach at sunset (Default)
The short answer:

A 30 year old woman from the East Coast, now living in San Francisco. I'm a therapist-in-training, a writer, a feminist, a polyamorous bisexual woman in a long term relationship with a man, a spiritual seeker.

The long answer:

I was born in a small town in Michigan. For the first few years of my life, I thought that town was the whole world. The few mile drive from my family's home to my grandparents' seemed to last forever. When my parents divorced, my mom, brother and I moved to Ann Arbor while my mom went to law school. Suddenly the world was much bigger than I had expected. And it's only gotten bigger. When mom graduated she went to a law firm in Washington DC and we moved to Maryland.

During high school I discovered the joys of alcohol, sex, pot, summer school, sleep deprivation, coffee, late-night games of Pictionary and strip-poker, and getting kicked out of my house. Most of this in my senior year, and most because of my boyfriend, Tom. (Who I am still with 13 years later. Scary.)

Despite all the shenanigans, I managed to graduate and get into college. Continuing with my string of 'M' states, I went to the University of Massachusetts, Amherst (aka Zoo Mass). Here I discovered my bisexuality, my feminism, my loathing of psychology statistics courses, my love of French Onion soup and the fact that rats make good dorm pets. I also learned that I can stand on my own two feet when Tom dumped me in my senior year. Though it was one of my hardest times, it was also a lesson I needed to learn. My world grew even wider.

After I graduated with my Bachelor's in English, I moved back to Maryland and discovered employers weren't exactly beating down my door. Since I had no clue what I wanted to be when I grew up, I chose to be an immigration paralegal in Virginia and moved there for 8 months, until Tom, who had since decided being without me was worse than being with me, graduated.

Finally we decided to move to San Francisco. Job-wise, it was best for him, since he's a computer geek. And I'd dreamed of moving to California ever since I read 'Tales of the City'. As a bisexual, hippie-wanna-be, writer, and all around freak, I figured San Francisco just might be the only city where I could actually fit in.

Fortunately that has been true. In my seven years here, I've had too many jobs, discovered what I want to be when I grow up (a novelist and therapist), marched topless in the dyke march, gotten a paddle broken over my ass at Folsom street fair, gotten a Master's degree in Psychology, gotten a corset, pierced my nipple, tattooed both breasts, read a million books, written not as much as I'd hoped, lost two rats, gained two more and lost them too, adopted two dogs, worked for two years as a grief counselor at a hospice, found truth in grief, healing from pain, found a good therapist and a bad one, found and lost friends, found and lost love, found and lost myself. I'm not ready to move, either.

The Truth:

I'm still discovering who I am. Sometimes I'm as sure of who I am as the sky is blue. Sometimes I'm as sure of who I am as the sky is when the fog rolls through. I hope to have an answer one day - but that would mean I'm stagnant, finished, and I don't want that.

The Reason:

I read for two reasons: To discover who I am and to know I'm not alone. I journal for the same reasons reflected out: So hopefully I can help someone else discover themselves and let them know they're not the only one "like that". After all, everyone is in this together.

The Warning:

If you know me, if you're family or friend, feel free to read this. But know you're only getting one side of me. One moment of my life. I may bitch and whine, or rant and scream, be happy, sad, whatever. I don't mean what I say here as a personal attack on anyone. I'm just being who I am in the second. And if you have something to say.. email me. Maybe I can clear it up for you.

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aubreym: Ocean beach at sunset (Default)
aubreym

July 2011

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