aubreym: Ocean beach at sunset (Slashy)
Today I met with Judy who is both a Labor and Delivery Nurse in San Francisco, and also a nurse midwife.  I wanted to talk to her a little bit about nursing and midwifery.  I'm trying to figure out what I'm doing with my life and I'm torn.  I want to be a stay-at-home Mom, but I miss having the schedule of a job, and the bit of economic freedom that a salary provides.  I do love being with Tai, though.  Most of the time.  Sometimes the day feels long and I'm not sure whether I'm as present to him as I would be if I didn't feel like we're together all the time.

I'm also feeling really crappy about my writing lately.  I don't feel like I'm writing enough either  quantitatively or qualitatively.  It's nearly impossible to find the mental and physical space to be creative.  I could get up before Tai, but that would be sometime before 6am.  I could write after he falls asleep at night, but by the end of the day (even if it happens to come at 7pm) my brain is fried.  Or maybe I'm just coming up with new excuses.  

For someone who wants to be a writer, I have a lot of excuses.  If I don't have a day job, I can spend all of my day writing.  But without structure, I spend most of my time procrastinating.  I can't get into the mindset of my characters when I'm so focused on parenting.  But I haven't sat down to write the novel about a new mother, either.  I feel like my writing is crap.  I feel like I'm not a contributing member of society.  That I don't make money so I don't have value.  Just that piece causes friction in my relationship with Tom because I put myself in a one-down power position.

I was talking about the situation with Mom and she says she doesn't have any opinion either way... but that I should take the time to make a fully thought out decision.  I can't know the right answer to whether I should be a nurse or a writer (or something else entirely), but I shouldn't decide to give up my writing passion on a whim.  I need to understand what I'd be giving up as well as what I'd be gaining.  I'm not there yet.  Like many places in my life, I feel in the middle.  I'm not comfortable here - I tend to swing from one thing to something else.  Especially if I am not good at it right away.

My thoughts are a bit all over the place about this - but I'm working it in the back of my mind.  In the mean time, I'm also gathering information about nursing programs in San Francisco.  One day I'll know what I want to be when I grow up.

In other news, I am a tired girl today.  I woke up at 3am to nurse Tai last night and noticed that he felt really warm.  After he finished eating I got the thermometer to take his temperature - it was 100.2.  Poor little dude.  He didn't seem to be feeling too badly, and his temp wasn't too high so I didn't give him any meds.  I was awake for awhile because I was worried about him, and then he slept restlessly, which meant I did too.  Fortunately his temp went down to 99 by the time he woke up and has gone down even more all day.  He still seems whiney and more tired than usual, but mostly on the mend.  I think he's teething since he didn't have any other symptoms.

Heart-beat

Jul. 19th, 2007 07:56 pm
aubreym: Ocean beach at sunset (Default)
Today was my second meeting with the midwives at the hospital.  I met the other midwife in the practice, J - and I think I may like her even better than M, who I met last time.  Of course that could be because I was a bit more relaxed this time, having been in once before.  Or because Tom came along for the ride.  Or because I had some questions so it gave her a chance to connect more with me.  Or it could just be that I click better with J.  I'll see both during the course of my pregnancy, but when the time comes to choose a primary I may choose J.  It's funny - I don't owe either of them anything but I feel a bit like I'm abandoning M if I do choose J.  I'm not good at decisions like that, where I worry that someone will feel slighted.  I spend too much time thinking about other people.  After all - it's nothing personal.  Or, I guess it is personal, but it's not like I think M is a bad midwife or a bad person. 

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aubreym: Ocean beach at sunset (Default)
aubreym

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