aubreym: Ocean beach at sunset (Default)
Yesterday was my first OB appointment - well, technically I was meeting with a CNM - at UCSF.  I made the appointment weeks ago, but yesterday was the first appointment suggested.  It was funny...  I had been looking forward to the appointment for ages.  But as it got closer, I started getting a little worried.  Like, maybe I wasn't really pregnant.  Or maybe I had miscarried and I didn't know about it.  I almost didn't want to go, because I didn't want to know.  I had almost convinced myself that I had miscarried.  

Tom came with me, even though he ended up missing an important meeting at work.  (It had been canceled, then rescheduled.)  It was good to have him there, even though he was on his iPhone the whole time we were waiting.  (That sorta goes without saying, though.)  We did all the boring stuff first - medical history, talked about the practice, weight, etc.  Then she brought in a little ultrasound machine, and it was time for what we'd been waiting for.

It took a minute - she found my uterus, and the little guppy.  But at first she didn't see the heart.  I squeezed shut my eyes and prayed.  Which means I missed it when she said that the baby was moving all around.  Then she found the heartbeat, and I got to see the guppy for a minute.  No pictures yet, but that's okay.  The little one is swimming in there and I am happy.  As far as we can know, all is well.

I'm still tired.  Tai was home from school today - he got pinkeye yesterday afternoon and the school called me to pick him up.  Even though the doctor said he wouldn't be contagious after two treatments, they didn't want him back for 24 hours.  So we had a good day together - bummed around the neighborhood, played basketball in our backyard, played with trains.  Went to the playground after his nap.  I napped with him - both of us slept for more than three hours.  And even though it's only 10:30, I am about ready for bed.

Poor kid was having a rough night last night, too.  He came to bed with us around 1, but was so restless neither he nor I could really sleep.  He kept saying 'no, no' and thrashing around.  Finally he started crying and said his head and throat and mouth hurt.  I gave him some tylenol and we rocked for about 20 minutes.  Fortunately we both went to sleep around 2:30 and slept until almost 7.  I think he's feeling better tonight, but if he starts crying about a sore throat tonight, I might make another pediatrician appointment.  Strep has been going around his school.  I know he likes school, and it's good for him, and he can catch stuff at the playground too... but damn!  The petri-dish effect of preschool is brutal.

Fortunately the queasiness has backed off some.  It was never bad - but I had several good days in a row.  Today was a little rougher, but still not bad.

I can't wait until I feel the baby move.  And to find out whether guppy is a boy or a girl.  Impatience!


Dec. 6th, 2010 10:46 pm
aubreym: Ocean beach at sunset (Default)
Of course I came down with whatever plague Tai had this morning.  I woke up feeling a little weird and soon the stuffiness set in and then the sinus headache and general feeling of yuck.  So instead of celebrating my first day of having Tai back to school by going to Starbucks for a much-missed Pumpkin Spice Latte and some good writing, I spent it on the couch watching TV.  It's just like last week, but I don't have anyone to whine at.  Thank goodness I have a ton of Law and Order: Criminal Intent and In Treatment to watch.  And I napped.

We had a good weekend, though.  Tai started to feel better on Saturday morning, just in time for Judy and Richard to visit (Tom's mom and step-dad).  For the first day in ages, he ran around like usual (though with more snot than is healthy for anyone).  We decorated the house, went to the bead store (I am so addicted to beading) and had a great dinner with my mom last night.

Friday night was fabulous - I had my last writing class of this 6 month session, and while I didn't finish the first draft of my novel, I did get some good progress.  I was having my last submission critiqued, and it was well liked.  My favorite comment was from a woman who I really respect.  She said, "It was creepy and hot."  Exactly what I was going for!  Unfortunately I didn't give anyone a NSFW warning, and half of the class read it during work.  One woman said she was reading along, when her mom called.  She was so startled that her mom thought she'd been sleeping or something.  She just hoped her mom wouldn't ask exactly what she was reading.   Everyone seemed both disturbed and enthralled by the section, which was my hope.  I'm trying to figure out my next step with writing classes.  I could take the same class again, but I'm not sure how well I do with it.  I'm not good in keeping up with my weekly check ins when I have a partner who also flakes.  I think it might be more useful for me to have a group that meets more frequently and has more in-depth critique.  My skin has gotten a lot thicker around my writing.  I  can take criticism better than I used to.  I feel like I want a push, and I'm not sure where to find that.

I'm hoping that this sickness doesn't last as long as Tai's did.  I would like to actually get out and do something.  Tonight was the Sing-It-Yourself Messiah, which I've gone to for five or so years now, but I was feeling too crappy to go.  Plus, I don't think my voice could have done it.

Tomorrow I'll have a better entry.   If you're looking for an intro to me, check out my intro tag!

Long Week

Dec. 2nd, 2010 11:55 pm
aubreym: Ocean beach at sunset (Default)
t's been a tough day.  I am hoping that tomorrow is better.

Tai sickness whine )

I was talking with [info]twirlgrrl online tonight, and we got on the topic of faults.  I said that I wish I could pick mine.  Or, more accurately, trade in a fault for one I'd prefer.  The fault?  My overactive anxiety.  I almost wish I would have *any* other fault, but then decided that I could end up as 'too selfish to be a good mom'.  It's so fucking hard to be there for Tai when I am falling to pieces.  I just sat with him on the couch and while he watched Zoboomafoo, I told myself over and over that *I* am the adult, and I need to suck it up and be calm.  This is a moment of my life, it is not the rest of my days.  Tai will feel better, I will calm down.  Even if I get sick, it will pass.

I also reminded myself of something I realized in therapy last week.  I was talking with Wendy about having another kid, and how one of the main reasons I worried about having kids was because I would be more anxious about stomach flu.  What suddenly realized was that I will be anxious anyway - I could either be anxious with kids, or without.  With kids I get all of the amazing joy, without - I would miss that experience.

How could I miss this?  How could I let the phobia keep me from such love?  Even when Tai is sick, he is so sweet.  He says he loves me, and cuddles, and hugs me.  He sings "Happy Birthday" to me, because my birthday is coming soon.  (In February, heh.)  He teases me and when he smiles, it's impossible not to feel better myself.

I still feel edgy and uncomfortable, but I am going to keep it together.  I might not be able to trade away this anxiety, but I do not have to let it run my life.   Or Tai's life.  I will *not* let it hurt him.

A couple of tiny funny moments:

When I asked him about school last week, he said, "The teacher didn't tell anybody to learn anything." 

On Sunday Tom and Tai were working on a house project upstairs - rebuilding a closet upstairs.  From the livingroom, where I am writing, I hear:

Tom: "I'm going to show you how to use something.  It's called a nail gun." 
Tai:  "What's a nail gun?"

My thoughts  Nail gun + toddler = disaster.  Why show him how to use a nail gun?  At least Tom told him that he can only use it with Daddy or Mommy. 

Brain Dump

Jun. 13th, 2010 11:08 pm
aubreym: Ocean beach at sunset (Default)
I had a shit week.  Big panic attack last monday night (prompted by Tai throwing up), and ended up spending all day Tuesday and much of the day Wednesday holding myself together by the skin of my teeth.  I'm still working to get it through my head that every parent makes mistakes, and every parent has things that are difficult to handle.  No one can be there for their kid one hundred percent of the time.  I didn't scare Tai, Tom was home and with him... but I felt (and sometimes still feel) like a completely shitty mother who is going to screw up her son either by the mistakes she makes or the genetics she passes down.  I'm getting my head back together, but it was rough.

Tai is doing fine.  I think the vomiting was actually a result of Tom's overzealous tooth brushing and Tai's super-sensitive gag reflex.  He had a bit of a fever a couple of days later, but that was probably teething related.  What was really weird, was on Friday he didn't pee for almost 24 hours.  He was drinking normally, didn't have a fever or anything... just didn't pee.  On the advice of a call-in nurse and the intarwebs, we took him to the pediatric ER - where he got all checked in, then promptly peed in huge amounts - through his diaper, over the gown he was wearing, all over my leg and onto the floor.  They checked him out and he seemed to be fine, but they asked us to bring in a urine sample.  One thing I didn't like - before i knew what was going to happen, while the doctor was checking him out  he retracted Tai's foreskin.  I guess he thought the skin might have covered his urethra, but it seems like that would have been a problem before now.   On the up side, it didn't seem to hurt Tai at all.  The doctor figures he was dehydrated, but I don't know.  We'll see what the results of the urine test are.

Richard and Judy are in town and Tai is having a blast with his Mimi and Popa.  There has been a lot of playground time and general craziness.  He's going to have a hard time when they go, after four days of non-stop attention from at least two people at all times.  But every night, he's wanted me to help him go to sleep.  Not Daddy, not Mimi.  Me.  I have to say, I don't really mind, even when it takes a while.  It gives us a chance to cuddle up together and relax.

Tai is talking up a storm lately, too.  He tells us exactly what he's thinking, what he wants.  Some of his favorite things to say:

"I've got an idea."  When I ask what his idea is about, he says, "Idea's about.... trees (for example, when we were camping)."
"I'm not a monkey (or lamb, or munchkin or whatever pet term someone is using), I'm a boy."
"When I grow up up up, I'm gonna be a football man."

He sings the ABC's all by himself. 

He's mostly sleeping through the night by himself in his own big boy bed (though sometimes he comes to visit us, or needs to sleep with us if he isn't feeling well).  He does like to keep holding my boobies as he falls asleep.

He loves to play "Plants Vs. Zombies" on the iPad.

He loves to sing 'Happy Birthday" to whoever he is thinking of at the time.  Before bed, he says, "Good night sleep tight" to me and daddy and Luna and Cocoa.

He likes to write emails to Ba (my Mom) and Violetta (her dog).  The emails usually say 'happy birthday' and some various noises that are hard to spell, like the sound of a dog panting, or a raspberrying tongue.

He likes to kiss my booboos to make them feel better.

The other day, when he was a little feverish, he sat close to me on the couch and said, "I love you Mama.  I love you.  I love you lots."  Yes, I did melt.

Tai is my sweetest boy - and I am the luckiest Mom in the world to have him.

aubreym: tai, smiling (tai)
There are about a billion things I want to post about: a particular night out a couple of weeks ago (damn, that long already?!), vegetarianism/veganism, a letter to Tai, a Tai update, and a whine about some craziness that's happening between a neighbor and us.  Instead I'm going to start by tossing my hands in the air and begging to know whether anyone else has wondered if their 2 year old has *totally lost their shit* when they are having a tantrum?

Tai has his five-billionth ear infection of the year.  I thought it might have been, last week but when I took him in on Tuesday, they said no.  Then this weekend his eardrum ruptured and leaked disgustingness all over his hair, cheek and neck.  It kept leaking (though more slowly) the rest of the weekend.  I can handle bodily fluid (well, except vomit, of course) but this totally grossed me out.  Monday morning I called the pediatrician and they said bring him in.  I also had to drive Brogan and Des (Tom's dad and his husband who were visiting from San Diego) to the airport.  So, being the horrible Mom that I am, I put on Tai's shirt and shoes.  This is where the tantrum began.  He took a break for the 10 minutes he shared a McDonald's hashbrown with me, and the 20 minutes he slept on the way from the airport to the pediatrician's office - but other than that?  Tantrum.  Screaming, crying, thrashing full-out losing his mind.  He freaked out on the walk from the parking garage to the doctor's office.  In the waiting room.  In the exam room.  Through the doctor's exam (where he completely flummoxed her by saying 'I want an ouchie!'  when she told him there wouldn't be any ouchies.  She said she'd never had a kid ask her for a shot before.) , through the walk back to the stairs (because I was avoiding the elevator), through the lobby and out the door and to the car and the whole way home.  Over an hour, all told.  He was thrashing around so much when I was carrying him out that I could barely keep from dropping him.  Everyone was staring.  I was blushing.

Nothing helped.  Distraction, ignoring him, singing to him, offering stories, offering the iPad, offering a drink or food, rocking, hugging, not touching, rubbing his hair, stepping away, staying close, counting.  The doctor offered stickers and to play with her light - both of which he usually loves.  No go.  I will admit that at one point I considered slapping him because I was beginning to think he was hysterical - but I didn't because I wasn't sure it would help, but more because I wasn't sure it wouldn't just be a frustration outlet for me and I knew that would not be good.

He cried because he wanted to go home, then when we left he wanted to 'play at the doctor's house'.  He wanted an 'ouchie' and when the doctor found him a sticker that said 'ouch' he threw it on the floor.  It was total inability to be soothed.  I felt exhausted by the end of the day, because he had two more tantrums - though they were both much shorter, and no nap.  I felt horrible for him, because I'm pretty sure it was his ear (though Motrin didn't help)... but it was hard to hold to my equanimity.  

Fortunately today the drops and antibiotic seem to have helped a lot.  The  drops have both pain relief and antibiotic in them, so I think that helps his ear a lot.  I managed to get him down for a nap, though I had to wake him up.  He had another meltdown because I was taking him to play with a friend (so I could have my Toddler Break) and I felt shitty.  He was like, 'no Paxton!  Stay home, please!'  Just begging and begging.  But then Yvette offered him mango and all was right with the world.  His last tantrum was because I went to take him home and he didn't want to leave.  *sigh*.  Just can't win.

Hopefully tomorrow will be even better.  But if not - anyone have any suggestions?  Besides some Valium and wine for Mama?

aubreym: Ocean beach at sunset (Default)
I'm having a rough day today.  Tai woke up super-early this morning - before 6am.  No one was happy about that.  He had his first tantrum before 8:30. Cut for the Whine )
aubreym: tai, smiling (tai)
Tai practices his 'grin on command'  Dear Tai,

Going back and reading a couple of your letters, I discovered that you were sick just two months ago.  Poor kidlet, you're sick again.  Everyone tells me that this will give you a good immune system, but it's just so sad to see you feeling not yourself.  I miss your smile!  You woke up late last night with a fever and you spent the day on the couch with Daddy.  You slept a lot, barely ate, barely played.  We're hoping you don't have the Hamthrax.  It's possible you are having a reaction from the vaccines you had over the week.

We went to meet a new doctor this week - Dr. Breder.  Even though we love Dr. Treece, I was looking for a practice that didn't feel quite so rushed.  So we were behind on your Well Baby visits and on your vaccines.  You're growing like a Magic Beanstalk!  You are 35 3/4 inches tall - almost three whole feet.  You weigh 34 pounds and 12 oz.  Your head is 20 1/4 inches.  You're in the 97th percentile for weight and head size and the 95th for height.  You're going to take after your Daddy and be tall.  I think you liked the new doctor, though she wasn't as funny as Dr. Treece.

You're almost two years old.  You're getting to be such a real person, an individual.  Your Grandma says she really likes the video of you dancing at the Bernal Fiesta on the Hill this year, because the way you move, the way you hold your hands shows some of who you are becoming.  It's not me, or Tom - it's you.  I am enjoying getting to see more of that.  You are a social animal - you party late into the night, you love to hang out with other kids.  When we were at the aquarium last week Matteus (one of the other kids from the Mom's Group) was running and tripped and fell.  You were chasing him, and when he fell, you copied him.  Erika and I cracked up, and from that time on you set out to impress us by your falling skills.  You looked like a little Break Dancer.  Later, you held Matteus's hand as you walked through the museum.  You love to play with all of the kids in the Mom's Group, but Dottie is still your favorite.  When you see her on the street you call out to her "Dottie!"  and then you copy each other, and flirt and laugh.

I'm looking to find a good preschool for you, because you need more stimulation and socialization than I can give you with visits to the playground and our every-couple-of-weeks Mom's Group.  We've gone to two, so far.  One tour, one open house.  Both times you were quite content to explore the classrooms and play with their toys.  You watched the other kids, and joined them.  While you did include me in your play a few times, I think you're going to enjoy the experience.  I'm looking forward to watching you make new friends, learn new things, and join more of the world on your own.

You're talking more and more.  When I asked Grandma to tell her what Peter did when he visited our house, you said, "Peter play cars."  You love your matchbox cars, and 'play cars, Mama.  Play cars, Daddy' is a frequent refrain around the house.  You are learning to count and can get most of the way to 10 by yourself.  When I sing, you often join in on some of the words.  Your favorites are "Twinkle, twinkle" and "Baa Baa Black Sheep".  You also love when I sing, "I love you, a bushel and a peck", especially when I add your name to the end of the song.  That cracks you up.  Just lately you've taken to gasping in surprise when you see something interesting, like the moon or an airplane.  You like Grandma's birdies almost more than her dogs, and you love to feed Lucky and Pickle seeds.

Even on the tough days, I'm loving this adventure we're on together.  You are my boy and I am lucky to be your Mommy.


aubreym: Ocean beach at sunset (Default)
So Tom, Tai and I went to a pre-wedding fest on Ocean beach on Thursday evening.  I consumed much wine.  Then there was forgetting, then there was nausea, then there was a long day of hangover.  Sadly, I missed most of the wedding yesterday because I was feeling too ill to stay.  I felt mostly better this morning, but I'm still not back to myself.  Which leads me to believe that this might be more than a simple hangover.

Read more... )

aubreym: Ocean beach at sunset (Default)
Dear Tai,

I wish I were better when you are sick.  I take good care of you, I hold you and cuddle you.  I give you medicine if you need it, juice and water and what food you want.  I nurse you if it doesn't make you gag and you want it.  But I can't make you feel better and I wish with all of my heart that I could.  It hurts to see you feeling so poorly.  Your smile and exuberance are totally gone.  You just want to lay on the couch with me or Daddy and watch TV.  When you're healthy you don't want to sit still for even a whole episode of Sesame Street. 

Your Mimi and Popa and your Uncle Andrew visited you this past weekend.  Even though Andrew was sick, you had such a good time with him.  Unlike your Daddy and me, he loves sports and you both spent some good time watching 'ut-baw' (or foot-ball).  He couldn't even go to the bathroom without you saying 'An-doo, An-doo.'  Your Mimi loved to draw with you, and your Popa had the best time going down the slide with you.  You impressed them with your words and your running and your love of eating (especially olives).  None of them could believe how much you've grown up, just since June.  They had to search out a real 'ba-ket-baw' (basketball) for you, and you love it.  

I can't believe how much you've grown myself.  You are saying two and three word 'sentences'.  You talk about 'boo eyes' and 'boo shoes' and you can ask for juice by name.  You ask to use the drinking fountain by making slurp, slurp sounds.  You know several colors pretty well, and you can almost say 'orange'.  You love riding in the truck with Daddy, and when you both took a trip to Ikea you didn't stop saying 'tuck' until you hit Oakland.  You like to echo the last couple of words of what we're saying, and it's inspired me to start cleaning up my language.  

You have been growing impatient with Story time, but you still love to sing along and dance.  You are starting to play with other kids, like Talya and Dottie.  You have a great time running and laughing with Dottie.  Balls are still your favorite - throwing, kicking, trying to catch.  If anyone, anywhere has a ball, you want to participate.  You want to read stories every night and during potty time.  Your favorite books are about Wibbly Pig and Winnie the Pooh, though you still love your dog books.  And 'Runaway Bunny' has been a very popular potty pick as well. 

Sometimes I wish I could be a better mom - when I'm overly anxious, or short-tempered, or irritable.  I know no one is perfect, but I've been more off than usual lately and I wish that you didn't have to be a part of that.  I'm going to try to get things back to a more stable place, but I hope you'll forgive me for the mistakes I make.

I do love you.  Always.  Don't forget that.

~ Your Mommy
aubreym: Ocean beach at sunset (Default)
Apparently I didn't avoid Tai's cold after all.  I'm sore-throat, mucus girl this evening.  And I'm tired - though that could be from the rough sleep night last night.  I need to remember to give Tai tylenol before bed since he's still working on his bottom molars.  So, instead of working on my novel pages that are due tomorrow, I'm posting the bits and pieces I've been thinking about for the past few days.

Tai has started saying two words together once in a while.  The other day Tom slept in the guest room (he'd been out drinking and if he comes home late and beer-full he tends to wake me up with insane levels of snoring).  When Tai woke up he wondered where Tom was.  I said we should go find him and called 'Where are you?'  After a minute, Tai echoed me - 'Are you?  Are you?'  Complete with sing-song tone and shrug.  I thought he just copied me, but today he was looking for me and he said, "Mama?  Are you?"  And then I died of the kyute.

He's singing more, and the other day when he started to play with his Little People farm he sang 'e-i-e-i-o' (of Old MacDonald) all of his own volition.

We've been going to Story Time at Red Hill books pretty regularly.  It helps to push his one nap to around midafternoon so neither of us loses our mind before Tom gets home.  And it's fun for him to hang out with other kids and sing songs.  It's hard though - he's so exuberant.  He likes to go right up to the person who is doing the story time and touch their legs or just be close.  He tends to vocalize his excitement and to race back to me, sometimes barreling right through other kids.  On the one hand, I want to teach him appropriate behavior (whatever that is) but I don't want to stifle his enthusiasm or make him feel like he can't be himself.  I want him to have fun, to express his enjoyment.  It is a story hour for kids his age, and usually the people who are leading seem to enjoy his pleasure.  I've spent so much of my life worrying about doing the right thing, acting the right way, fitting in... I don't want him to be stuck with all of that fear.  But I also don't want people to dislike being around him.  I know this push/pull is only going to get more obvious as he gets older and goes to preschool.   

I've also been reading a book about being fat in America, and one of the short essays is about the author who was told she was fat ever since she was three and four.  It stuck with her, the memory of being considered fat and therefore inferior, even from such a young age.  I am not saying Tai is fat - I don't believe he is.  But people often comment about how big he is.  Sure, he's sturdy.  I never worry about him getting run over when he's in a crowd of toddlers.  I do, however, want to avoid too much body commentary, even in ways that seem harmless now.  For example - so many people say 'he's so big!  He's going to be a football player!'  This sounds good enough - but what if he grows up to be average, or smaller than average?  Will he feel like he's not as good because he doesn't have that build?

I want to be aware as I bring Tai up.  I want to help him to feel comfortable in his skin.  It's not a feeling that's easy to come by in our culture.  
aubreym: Ocean beach at sunset (Swinging Tai)

Ah, so thirsty!
Originally uploaded by Katlet
We're having another rough sleep patch lately. Something needs to change, but I'm not sure what that will be. I still think co-sleeping is good for us (all of us), and I'm not ready to night wean yet, and I'm not so much into cry it out. Oddly enough, it's hard to think creatively when one isn't sleeping.

Last night we went to bed at 11. Tai nursed until 12, when I finally said enough because I needed to sleep. We went around about it until 1 with much whining and crying (mostly on Tai's part) until I tried taking him to the bathroom just to break the monotony (and he seemed to indicate that he wanted to go). After that he decided it was play time and he partied until 2. It was a rough day for Mama, only made better by much caffeine. Tai, however, took a 2.5 hour nap (!) this morning and was in a good mood the rest of the day.

I don't know what's going on - he might be teething. He might have a cold (he's pretty snotty and coughing, but the snot has been going on for two weeks now). No fever or anything else. I just wish we could go back to our usual routine of five minute wake-ups every few hours.

In an effort to give us both something to do this afternoon, since he wouldn't be napping any more and I was sleep-deprived - I decided to head out to the Botanical Gardens. We spent a little over an hour wandering around. Tai liked that he could just wander where-ever he wanted without me steering.

We saw some wildlife - 2 turtles (one sunning, one swimming), 2 geese, 2 ducks, several tiny fish, several gulls and about a million squirrels. Tai wanted to touch all of them, and was bummed that I wouldn't let him.

After our park wander, we headed to Starbucks for my second shot of caffeine of the day. Tai had a box of apple juice - his first juice box! He enjoyed it even more than the donut I shared with him. I tried for the library after that (assuming he'd doze in the stroller) but didn't have any luck. Even after all the walking he'd done, he still didn't want to be confined.

We'll ignore the fact that he barfed down the front of my shirt while I was nursing him this evening. (I'm pretty sure it was phlegm gagging, but whatever the deal, I smell like baby-hork, even after cleaning up and changing shirts.)

Even though I'm tired, I am still enjoying this motherhood trip. To be totally trite - I'm not loving every minute, but pretty much every other minute. It's the hardest job I'll ever love.
aubreym: Ocean beach at sunset (Swinging Tai)
and you're guaranteed to have your baby on the mend within the hour.  Last night Tai didn't nurse all night. He wanted to, he asked to, but it made him gag and he wouldn't actually nurse at all.  By this morning, when Tom changed his diaper, it was mostly dry.  Tom tried to give him water, but Tai just let it dribble down his chin and wouldn't drink.  He still felt warm, too.  I was a bit worried, so I called the triage nurse at Dr. Treece's office.  She said I should probably bring him in.  Of course, by the time I did - he'd taken a little water and peed a bit, and had more energy than he did yesterday.

Unfortunately Dr. Treece was booked, so we saw Dr. Kevin Chu - who also rocks.  I love his bedside manner as well, calm even when Tai was fussing because he was ready to go home and take a nap and also with a good sense of humor.  But Tai definitely prefers Dr. Treece.  He kept looking warily at Dr. Chu, which he never does with Dr. Treece.

Oh!  And an amusing sidenote - when I called back to talk to the nurse, someone answered the phone and said, "St. Luke's pediatrics, Michael speaking..." and I asked for the nurse.  Only after I was transfered that it was Dr. Treece who had answered!  Dude, crazy!

When the nurse weighed Tai, we discovered he's only 28lbs, 7oz.  Up 3oz. from our last appointment at the end of January.  I think he's lost weight from all of the walking he's been doing.  Though the first thing everyone comments on is how big he is.  Even Dr. Chu said what a solid boy he is.  Go mama-milkie!

So the verdict - Tai has a virus.  His fever had gone down, and didn't seem to go up much at all today, maybe a degree or so late in the day.  His ears looked clean, his lungs sounded clear.  His throat was red, but not as bad as if it had been Strep - and his fever was too low for that.  He also wasn't dehydrated and the doctor gave me a couple of ways to check for that in the future (check nailbeds for color - if the color comes right back after pressing, no dehydration.  Also, pinch his belly skin a bit - if it's doughy then there's dehydration.)  He said Tai obviously isn't wasting away, so if he doesn't eat much for a couple of days it's not an issue.  Give him tylenol and try and get him to drink.  If he gets worse, go back in.

Yes, I did a nervous first-time mom trip in, but I figure better safe than sorry.  Tai was clearly on the mend today - he drank some water, nursed a couple of times (like, twice.  I pumped several times) and played.  Also whined and fussed and cried.  He ate about a quarter of an apple, then gagged on the last bite and barfed up a bit - poor kid. I tried applesauce and a bit of jarred babyfood (separate of course) but he didn't want any of either. I'm hoping his appetite comes back soon; it's so weird to have him eat nothing.  And not nurse!  

We did go out a bit this afternoon and just walked down to Cortland in the sun.  Tai enjoyed looking at the flowers and watching all of the bees.  He spent a good 10 minutes by one flowery bush, just watching the bees.  On our way back we met a woman who reminded me to take it slow with him, not rush him along when we go places together, since it's the time for him to really explore and experience everything.  So far I've been pretty good about that.  Truthfully, I enjoy watching him have fun with everyday things.  

I put him in the Ergo when he didn't want to walk anymore, did the back carry.  He seemed to like it, even rested his head on my back for a bit.  I think it's going to be a good way to carry him around when he wants to walk sometimes, but can't walk all the time.  I plan on doing a trek down to the Mission library later this week to see how long I can wear him without killing my back.

In other news, my throat is a little sore tonight.  I hope we weren't Typhoid Mary at Blue's party, or visiting on Monday night.  

Finally my Grace in Small Things list:

1. Tai feeling a bit better
2. Easy access to good doctors
3. Bed
4. My dogs
5. Fresh applesauce

Long Day

Mar. 17th, 2009 09:46 pm
aubreym: Ocean beach at sunset (Default)
Poor Tai.  Last night Tai was wanting to nurse a lot, again.  Sometime around 2am I finally said enough and went to rub his head to help soothe him instead.  His head was warm.  Not too hot, but definitely fever warm.  I hadn't exactly expected it, but he hadn't eaten much during the day - which is unusual for him - and Tom said he barely drank any of his bottle before bed, which is also rare.  Poor kidlet - he woke up with a fever and clearly felt like crap all day.  No other symptoms - except for the crying, drooling, hand biting and very little eating.  At least he nursed and had a bit of cheese and half of a cracker.  And some water.  Yum!

But it was a day of holding Tai.  He only played for half an hour or so, and spent the rest of the time on my lap.  We watched a lot of television and had a couple of naps.  Tylenol seemed to help some.  I'm just worried that he might have an ear infection or something important.  There were several times where he really started crying and it took quite a while to console him.  He sounded like he was really hurting - I just wish I could tell where!  If it happens again tomorrow, I might take him to see Dr. Treece.

I really really hope he's feeling better tomorrow, because it was a long day today.  I think I got butt rot from sitting in one place.  And it's so difficult to not be able to make him feel better.  He couldn't even nurse every time because it made him gag.  Poor kid.

In an effor to balance the whiny nature of the post - here are 5 things I'm grateful for, in no particular order.  Partially inspired by Schmutzie.

1. Good mama friends
2. Tom giving me a break in the evening
3. Wine
4. Thin Mints
5. Television


Feb. 2nd, 2009 10:05 pm
aubreym: Ocean beach at sunset (Default)
Sometimes I feel like there's no room in my heart for this novel I'm working on.  A story about two gay guys in San Francisco, trying to figure out love and how it works and whether it's worth the risk.  (Though the bit about risk definitely resonates with me right now.)  Neither of the two protagonists are where my heart is, lately.  Neither will be a mom, needless to say.  They won't even be parents.  Neither wants kids, at least for a good many years and probably not at all.  While more than 95 percent of my brain is taken up with considering parenting and motherhood and how that works in my life.  So - how do I write about something entirely different?  People so far from where my life is right now.

Maybe Michael and Anthony aren't real enough yet - maybe I haven't spent enough time developing them.  But I've been working on this story in one form or another for years.  (Though a good portion of that time 'working' is somewhat of an overstatement.)  I've outlined, I've taken notes.  I've considered and reconsidered point of view and timeline and I'm just not getting it together.  I'm floundering around, not much farther along than I was a couple of years ago.  And that's depressing.  Because, regardless of all of the confusion, I *like* Michael and Anthony.  I want to tell their story.  I'm the only one that can.  When I was going over all of this with mom, she suggested that maybe it just wasn't working.  That I should shelf the story.  I'm not sure whether she meant for a bit, or for good, but the thought of giving up just doesn't work for me.  I don't want to give up.  But I'm also not sure how to move forward.  I'm stuck.

I've been considering working on another story I have brewing.  One that's more in line with my current preoccupations.  But I'm not sure that's a good option.  So many novelists write about the mid-stretch of a novel where everything feels lost and confused and other stories look like much better ideas.  But, they warn, if a writer gives in to the shiny new story, after about 75 pages or so that story is just as middle-bound.  Then one ends up with a drawer full of novel-halfs, none of which could ever be published and not because they're bad or badly written, but because they aren't even complete drafts.

So here I sit, trying to figure out the 'right' thing to do, when there *is* no right thing to do.  There is only the next thing.  I just don't know what that is.  I suppose I could try and write both - move between them when one isn't going where I want it to.  But I barely have time for one.  That seems like a bad option too.  I just need to get my butt in the chair, my fingers on the keyboard or wrapped around a pen and start writing.  Something, anything.  Not journaling.

A bit of anxiety waffle... )
aubreym: Ocean beach at sunset (Swinging Tai)
It's strange - I sit down in the coffee-shop with a cup of coffee and a bagel and my notebook.  I eat and then open the notebook, begin to scribble down something - a scene, a chapter, a bit of my novel.  But my heart wanders.   I hear a child in line crying.  The cry doesn't sound like Tai and I know he's with Tom, but the longer the child cries the less sure I am.  Is it Tai?  Does he need me?  He's sick, he could be feeling really badly.  He could want his momma.  I text Tom - they are still at the park.  Whoever is crying, it has nothing to do with me.  I try to write again.

As I pause to consider my next word, the next sentence, my eyes catch the title of a kids' book across the room.  "The Legend of Sleeping Bear".  I am surprised - one doesn't often come across a book about a Michigan sand dune in a cafe in California.  Is that what this book is?  Vaguely remembering the legend from my many childhood trips to Traverse City and northern Michigan, I pull it out and read.  Though I'm not one to cry at the drop of a hat (at least, as long as I'm neither on my period or pregnant), the story brings tears to my eyes.

A mama bear and her two beloved cubs live happily in a forest in Wisconsin.  One day there is a forest fire and they must flee.  The only path to safety is to cross Lake Michigan.  They begin to swim.  They swim all night - the mama bear tries to encourage her cubs, to keep an eye on them.  But in the middle of the night she loses sight of them.  Come morning, they are gone.  She crawls ashore, alone, and climbs atop a hill to watch for their return.  There she sits for a year and longer.  They do not come.  She is slowly covered with sand.  Then the Great Spirit, moved by her sadness and love, brings the cubs closer - two tiny islands in the lake nearby and so they are reunited.

I can imagine her desperation and desolation all too well.  And part of me understands that were I to lose Tai, my heart would always wait for him to be returned to me.  Sitting and waiting until it would be covered with sand.

I am not good with things out of my control. With magic thinking and oblique wording, I attempt to control things that are out of my hands.  I try to bend the world to my will.  I just want to make it all better, to keep people happy and well.  To keep those I love safe.  I know I can't and sometimes it drives me crazy and sometimes it makes me cry.  When I got pregnant, I didn't know it would be like this.  But, now that Tai is with me, I wouldn't want it any other way.
aubreym: Ocean beach at sunset (Default)
Feel free to skip this entry, considering I'm going to whine and be self-pitying.  Fortunately I've (mostly) contained that attitude to my brain and here.  I did snap at Tom a couple of times, but hopefully not too much.  I just need a little outlet, so this is the place for it.

cut to spare your brain... )
After Dr. Treece called me on Tuesday, he called the city to alert them about Tai's exposure to lead.  On Wednesday an inspector from the city called me.  They needed to check out the house.  He offered an appointment on Thursday morning.  Of course I agreed.  We want to find out what's causing the exposure as soon as possible.  So he came out and took a bunch of samples around the house.  Unfortunately I couldn't follow him around to see what he was doing because Tai was awake and wanting to be entertained.  He said he'll get the results in 5-7 days (hopefully not business days), which means we could know as early as Tuesday.  Then he'll call and we can figure out what needs to be done to get everything fixed.

In the meantime, Tai and I have been spending most of our time out of the house.  At the inspector's request.  He said Tai shouldn't be crawling around in the house and Tai isn't so much of a fan of just sitting on my lap anymore.  He's a boy on the move, let me tell you.  He's been spending more time standing without holding on to anything.  And he's even taken a step or two in between two things (like the coffee table and either me or Tom), though he's really cautious about doing so and prefers to speed-crawl everywhere.

As a placeholder - I want to write about the following in the next couple of days: 1) Further thoughts on my sexuality, and 2) the question someone asked me today, "Is it hard being a mother?" 

I'm too tired to do them justice tonight.

aubreym: Ocean beach at sunset (Tai)
As you can see from the picture, the kidlet is still sick.  He woke up this morning with a temp of 102.3 under the arm.  I gave him Tylenol and he fell back to sleep.  Fortunately he slept until almost 11.  When he woke up his temp was down.  The dude is just not himself, though.  He's quiet and subdued.  He barely flirted with Grandma and Grandpa McGee (who is visiting).  He doesn't play much and whines much more than usual.  He's sneezy and snotty and coughing.

I took him to see Dr. Treece yesterday to have his lungs listened to and his oxygen saturation checked and everything was normal in those regards.  He's just got a virus.  He did manage to flirt with both Dr. Treece and his med student, doing his best 'I haven't been sick in ages' impression to make me look like a silly first time Mom.  Dr Treece totally made me laugh, though... and said I did the exact right thing by bringing him in.  I got a script for steroids if Tai's cough gets much worse, but so far we haven't needed it.

On the up side, for the first time since Tom got back on Sunday (and Tai got sick) Tai was happy to have Dad hold him.  I'm pleased about this because it's been all Mommy all the time and I'm under the weather too.  Sadly, Mommy's don't get as much whining time.

He took a three hour nap this afternoon and sacked out on Dad's lap tonight so I'm hoping that the extra sleep will have him back to himself soon.  It's so hard to see him feeling bad when I can't just make it better.  I'm looking forward to having him back crawling into everything, jabbering away about bababa mamama.  (we're still working on o-ba-ma.)
aubreym: Ocean beach at sunset (Tai)
It's been a bit of a tough night.  At least I did a bit of work around my anxiety with Wendy this week, because I used it to stay calm(ish) tonight.  At least I hope I did.  Poor Tai - he seemed to be on the mend today.  He was playing like usual, having a normal day.  Maybe a tiny bit more subdued than usual, but nothing like yesterday, even.  He was a bit hoarse and a tiny bit stuffy, but didn't seem sick.  Tom got home and Tai was happy to see him, after a couple of minutes of faux shyness.  They played together and napped together.  Even when we visited with Mom, Tai was hanging around with Daddy.  Tai missed him!

Tonight Tom did Tai's nighttime routine, then I nursed him to sleep.  A couple of hours later he woke up crying to come downstairs, as he usually does.  Tom went up to get him and as he brought him down Tai did a barky cough.  He kept crying until I nursed him, but the minute Tom took him back he started crying again. And then coughing with that same barky wheezy sound.  And then he threw up all over Tom's shirt, as he was coughing.  I'm pretty sure the poor kid has croup.  His breathing is wheezy and every now and again he wakes himself up coughing.  

Once he finished throwing up I took him into the bathroom to breathe steam (I remembered Mel had done that for Asher when he had croup) and held him close.  It took him a bit to catch his breath and calm down, but finally he fell asleep.  He's been asleep since then, though his breathing is funky.  I called Mom for sympathy and Lisa for both sympathy and advice - both of which were provided in spades.  I *really* appreciated it.  It's good to know that I'm not alone.  And that it's okay to call the doctor tomorrow if Tai is still sounding bad.

At least I didn't freak when Tai threw up. I don't think I made anything worse.  He wanted me to hold him and I did.  I just have to keep my own issues to myself and be there for my son.  He needs me.  And I love him.


aubreym: Ocean beach at sunset (Default)

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