aubreym: Ocean beach at sunset (Default)
So I'm still pregnant (as far as I know) and the symptoms are ramping up just the tiniest bit.  My boobs have been incredibly sore, though in a different way from when I was pregnant with Tai.  The tiredness is more like exhaustion.  I spent a couple of days last week just lounging in bed until almost 11, and then went to bed by 10:30.  On Thursday I dozed off for a 45 minute nap in the afternoon - and I was all by myself!  I napped with Tai both days this weekend.  The nausea has been coming around a little more.  Not too horribly, yet, and not constant, but more frequent.  Especially if I get hungry.  And the eating thing is weird, too.  I feel starving, so I eat like usual, then I'm so stuffed I can barely stand it for a couple of hours - lather, rinse, repeat.  I am a little glad though, because I keep hoping that symptoms mean the pregnancy is hanging in there.

I will be 8 weeks tomorrow, which is still so early.  

The symptom that's driving me the most nuts, though, is the anxiety.  I was hoping that it just happened last time because it was my first pregnancy and I found myself wondering whether I was really going to be a good mom.  Now I *am* a mom, so what's one more kid in the mix?  But my anxiety has been heightened, especially the last two weeks.  Part of that is this horrible stomach flu going around Tai's school. Kids were getting sent home like, three in a day.  I spent my days waiting for the phone call that would tell me Tai had thrown up and I needed to come get him.   I spent my evenings waiting for him to call me because he'd thrown up in bed.  I think I've worn myself out a little, with all of the waiting.  It sucks because it makes me short tempered, and wanting to hide out.  I have spent a lot of time reading during the past two weeks, and very little time writing.  I just can't concentrate on the writing.  When I'm reading, it takes me out of myself.  I'm pretty sure a lot of this anxiety is hormone related.  I know I had more of a hair-trigger with my anxiety during my first trimester last time, too.  Fortunately, the second and third trimesters were much easier.  Hopefully that will stay true this time, too.

It's funny - I went over the anxiety with Wendy during my therapy session last week, and at the end of the session I said, "I am just so *bored* of this anxiety.  It's boring, and it makes me boring."  Suddenly I thought, hey - if I'm bored by it... maybe I can just stop.  I'm not sure how, yet.  I'm working some relaxation techniques.  But maybe if I can hold to that thought - that this is *boring*, rehashing the same thing over and over and over and over, ad nauseum (ha ha) - then I can change my mind.

The novel-writing has trickled to a near-stop.   I was reading over what I've written so far, trying to figure out what I need to do to pull the pieces together before I move on to the next section... and I just got so fed up.  It wasn't bad writing.  I just bored myself.  I was like, 'yeah yeah, whatever.  No one cares.'  I'm hoping that this is anxiety related, too.  Because it's going to suck sitting with a novel that bores me.  I need to finish it, though... at least a draft.  I've been working on it so long and I want to know how it ends.  Right now, though?  Yawn.

I need a vacation.
aubreym: Ocean beach at sunset (Default)
I'm having a rough day today.  Tai woke up super-early this morning - before 6am.  No one was happy about that.  He had his first tantrum before 8:30. Cut for the Whine )

Sigh

Oct. 21st, 2009 10:56 pm
aubreym: Ocean beach at sunset (Default)
It was a long day with Tai.  Nothing in particular, just toddler-ness and a tired momma.  Tom had a tough day too - big presentation at work.  He got beer after work, then came home.  Since we were out late at the preschool fair (damn, was that crowded and *insane*.  There were parents there with their infants!  And I thought I was starting too early...) Tai was still awake and Tom helped put him to bed.

I was feeling tired and grumpy and jealous that Tom went out for beer.  Tom came down and after spending some time on his iPhone, asked what was up with me.  I said I was feeling tired and grumpy.  He asked why.  I talked about my day.  He said:

"Well, it's your full time job now, right?"  I said it was more than full time and he asked how.  I bit my tongue and tried to explain.  The fact that I can't use the bathroom by myself.  That I'm on duty all night.  He argued with me, and blamed me for wanting to still breastfeed and night, and cosleep.  Yeah, this would be the time to discuss changing that.

Then he asked how a daycare teacher did it.  Uh - they aren't the moms of their kids.  They have the evenings and weekends off.

He tried to argue that with me too, and I cut it off.  I figured it wasn't going anywhere productive.  Which is good because he pretty much passed out on the couch about five minutes later. 

I just wish he'd try to understand where I'm coming from.  I'm not asking anything of him (other than maybe a break - like a few hours of preschool or nannyshare - which we've already got under negotiation.)  Why does everything have to be an argument?

I guess I'm worried that he's right, that other people can do this easily and I'm just whiny and lazy.  Not a way I want to see myself.
aubreym: Ocean beach at sunset (Default)
I'm not sure what my issue is this evening.  I'm just in a bad mood.   I shouldn't be - we had a good weekend.  Even though it was hot, fun was had by all.  We took Tai out to Crissy Field after breakfast this morning.  We spent an hour playing in a little inlet off the Bay.  At first he was a bit hesitant of the water, but after just a few minutes he was happily splashing around, running in and out of the water, sitting down in the shallow part and generally having a blast.  I was wishing I'd brought my swimsuit as well.  He spent a little bit of time knocking down the sandcastles Tom built, but he preferred to be in the water.  He takes after Momma that way.

Last night I got together with twirlgrrl and we spent several hours chatting about anything and everything - totally uninterrupted by any (adorable and wonderful, but attention-hording) children.  There's nothing better than hanging out with lovely mama-friends.  She gave me things to ponder, as well as a good book suggestion.  I spent some time today reading "The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test".  I can't believe I haven't read it before.  I am a bad bad hippie.  I'm enjoying it, especially the style of Tom Wolfe's writing.

This afternoon Tom and Tai went to the playground for a while and I headed to the coffee shop for some writing time.  Unfortunately I just couldn't get into the headspace for novel-writing.  I managed to get a (very very) little bit written, but it feels wooden and limping.  Anthony is supposed to be flirting with a woman and the dialog has come out stilted.  I think a good portion of my funk is because the writing wasn't going well at all.  It's one pre-Tai passion that I've stuck with and when it's not going well I feel like I'm a boring dork that doesn't think about anything other than parenting.

My goals for the upcoming week:  

1. Spend a portion of Tai's nap-time each day working on the novel.  Writing, brainstorming, outlining, whatever.  I just need to get back into the world.

2.  Spend more time with another adult, even if Tai is there too.  Talking to other women helps make everything better.

And - to balance out some of the whine, gratitude.

1.  Watching Tai learn - new words of the past couple of days: hot and no.
2.  Kick ass women friends both online and IRL.
3.  Parks
4.  Dogs who always love to cuddle, even when I'm bitchy and grumpy and whiny.
5.  Eddie Vedder's voice (always makes me smile)
aubreym: Ocean beach at sunset (Swinging Tai)

Ah, so thirsty!
Originally uploaded by Katlet
We're having another rough sleep patch lately. Something needs to change, but I'm not sure what that will be. I still think co-sleeping is good for us (all of us), and I'm not ready to night wean yet, and I'm not so much into cry it out. Oddly enough, it's hard to think creatively when one isn't sleeping.

Last night we went to bed at 11. Tai nursed until 12, when I finally said enough because I needed to sleep. We went around about it until 1 with much whining and crying (mostly on Tai's part) until I tried taking him to the bathroom just to break the monotony (and he seemed to indicate that he wanted to go). After that he decided it was play time and he partied until 2. It was a rough day for Mama, only made better by much caffeine. Tai, however, took a 2.5 hour nap (!) this morning and was in a good mood the rest of the day.

I don't know what's going on - he might be teething. He might have a cold (he's pretty snotty and coughing, but the snot has been going on for two weeks now). No fever or anything else. I just wish we could go back to our usual routine of five minute wake-ups every few hours.

In an effort to give us both something to do this afternoon, since he wouldn't be napping any more and I was sleep-deprived - I decided to head out to the Botanical Gardens. We spent a little over an hour wandering around. Tai liked that he could just wander where-ever he wanted without me steering.

We saw some wildlife - 2 turtles (one sunning, one swimming), 2 geese, 2 ducks, several tiny fish, several gulls and about a million squirrels. Tai wanted to touch all of them, and was bummed that I wouldn't let him.

After our park wander, we headed to Starbucks for my second shot of caffeine of the day. Tai had a box of apple juice - his first juice box! He enjoyed it even more than the donut I shared with him. I tried for the library after that (assuming he'd doze in the stroller) but didn't have any luck. Even after all the walking he'd done, he still didn't want to be confined.

We'll ignore the fact that he barfed down the front of my shirt while I was nursing him this evening. (I'm pretty sure it was phlegm gagging, but whatever the deal, I smell like baby-hork, even after cleaning up and changing shirts.)

Even though I'm tired, I am still enjoying this motherhood trip. To be totally trite - I'm not loving every minute, but pretty much every other minute. It's the hardest job I'll ever love.
aubreym: Ocean beach at sunset (Default)
Feel free to skip this entry, considering I'm going to whine and be self-pitying.  Fortunately I've (mostly) contained that attitude to my brain and here.  I did snap at Tom a couple of times, but hopefully not too much.  I just need a little outlet, so this is the place for it.

cut to spare your brain... )
After Dr. Treece called me on Tuesday, he called the city to alert them about Tai's exposure to lead.  On Wednesday an inspector from the city called me.  They needed to check out the house.  He offered an appointment on Thursday morning.  Of course I agreed.  We want to find out what's causing the exposure as soon as possible.  So he came out and took a bunch of samples around the house.  Unfortunately I couldn't follow him around to see what he was doing because Tai was awake and wanting to be entertained.  He said he'll get the results in 5-7 days (hopefully not business days), which means we could know as early as Tuesday.  Then he'll call and we can figure out what needs to be done to get everything fixed.

In the meantime, Tai and I have been spending most of our time out of the house.  At the inspector's request.  He said Tai shouldn't be crawling around in the house and Tai isn't so much of a fan of just sitting on my lap anymore.  He's a boy on the move, let me tell you.  He's been spending more time standing without holding on to anything.  And he's even taken a step or two in between two things (like the coffee table and either me or Tom), though he's really cautious about doing so and prefers to speed-crawl everywhere.

As a placeholder - I want to write about the following in the next couple of days: 1) Further thoughts on my sexuality, and 2) the question someone asked me today, "Is it hard being a mother?" 

I'm too tired to do them justice tonight.

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