Seeking Samadhi

I don't have much to say today.  It's 11:15pm, I'm tired.  I have a headache.  Tom's mom and step-dad are coming in to town tomorrow morning.  The house is mostly ready and I'm ignoring the rest.  I think I'm depressed.  It's getting close to the anniversary of Grandma's death.  And Lisa's friend George is dying of cancer.  Mom's contractor is undergoing intensive treatment for cancer.  And I can't protect Tai from either illness or death.   

Of all the things I've prepared for in terms of having a kid - the changes in my day to day life, the changes in my relationship with Tom - I never expected how raw having a kid would make me feel, in certain ways.  Vulnerable.  Like my heart is exposed.  Sure I read the quote about how having a kid was like having a part of your heart walk around outside your body.  But I never understood it.  Even now I'm only scratching the surface.  It is scary and amazing.

I figured I'd update anyway, getting myself ready for Holidailies, which starts tomorrow - yay! 

My time of the month has passed (finally) and my milk supply seems to have gone right back up.   I'm relieved about that, a lot.  I want to breast feed for at least a year.  When I mentioned to Mom that I was concerned, she pointed out that I've given him a good base as it is.  Which is true, but I've always assumed I'd just nurse for as long as he wanted.  I'm so lucky that nursing has been easy for me - I don't even mind nursing in the middle of the night.  Since he's still co-sleeping I don't even have to fully wake up.

I've pretty much decided that I'm going to wait to try and have another baby until Tai is more independent.  Maybe when he's two or so I'll try again.  I think it would be difficult for me to have two babies who can't talk yet.  Wendy said that 3 is the optimal age for a sibling in terms of emotional development.  Realistically that isn't very far off.  And I really enjoy being able to give Tai all of my attention.

I think I've been imagining having another baby will be exactly like having Tai, but just with another baby.  But I'm not going to be able to give the next baby my undivided attention.  I will always have Tai as well.  It's going to be a new adventure.  Until then, I'm going to experience this as fully as I can.  Tai is an amazing baby and I love watching him grow.

In the last week Tai's learned to point.  Sometimes it's perfectly clear what he wants, like when he points at the lamp in his room.  (New lamp from Ikea to celebrate the transformation of our upstairs bathroom into a baby-bedroom.)  Or at the box of Cheerios.  Sometimes it's a lot less clear, when his pointing is in a more general direction.  Does he mean the dogs?  The window?  Something outside?  But I try to guess and I bet it's a relief to him to be able to communicate even when I misunderstand so often.

The first time he pointed, he was with Mom while I was getting my haircut.  (It's short now.  Tom *hated* it at first, but I think he's coming around.)  He and Mom were playing fetch with Violetta, one of her dogs.  Violetta is very good at chasing the ball and bringing it back, but she has a tendency to drop the ball just outside your reach.  At one point Mom threw the ball, but Violetta didn't chase it.    Mom was teasing her a bit and said, "Violetta, where's your ball?"  Violetta just looked at her.  Tai looked at Violetta, then looked at Mom.  Mom asked again.  Violetta just looked at her.  Tai looked at the dog, then at Mom.  When Mom asked a third time, Tai pointed across the room at the ball.  I'll bet he was rolling his eyes in his head.  

Of course, this is a bit worrisome in that he understands a lot more than I sometimes realize.  I need to clean up my language and pay attention.  Otherwise his first sentence is going to be, "Nice driving, asshole."

Tai is keeping me on my toes, always.  For the past little while he's been really unhappy whenever I put him down and walk out of his line of sight to do anything.  Get a bowl of cereal, go to the bathroom, feed the dogs, whatever.  Today I put him in the living room (which has mostly been baby-proofed - no more outlets for him to stick his fingers in, etc.) and went to grab my cereal.  As usual, he started crying.  But then I heard his crying getting closer.  He crawled after me - out of the livingroom into the hallway.  He didn't make it to the kitchen, probably because he has a hard time getting traction on the hard wood floor, but he definitely has figured out how to follow me.

He's not quite got the 'milk' sign down yet.  His preferred method of letting me know he wants to eat is lunging for my chest and planting his open mouth on my boobs.  And also yanking down the front of my shirt.  Of course he also pulls on the front of my shirt to stand up, so sometimes there's mixed signals.

He's doing better with the solids thing.  If he's really hungry he'll eat a whole little jar, especially if it's someone other than me feeding him.  Yesterday he had a banana, apricot, rice mixture and seemed to enjoy it.  I tried a bite myself and thought it wasn't bad.  Much better than the green beans and rice or the peas.  Blech.  I can see why he doesn't want to eat those.

He definitely shows a preference for me, even over Tom and my mom.  Once in a while, especially at the end of a long day, I get frustrated by it.  But the rest of the time I'm secretly pleased.  He's my sweet boy and I relish our time together cuddling and laughing and playing.  Just lately we've been having conversations together, like when we're nursing, and it makes me smile.  The other day mom tried to participate and he didn't keep talking.  She said he gave her a look like, 'hey, I wasn't talking to you.'  He still sings himself to sleep in the car.

I am so lucky.  Even when he doesn't sleep.  Or let me pee.

Tom is putting Baby Einstein DVDs on our AppleTV.  As he checks the Baby Van Gogh DVD to see if it recorded and two random cacti dance -

Tom: we should get stoned and watch this.

Me: yeah, it could be our date night.

Party at our hizzouse, yo!

Also, yes... Tai is sleeping.