Seeking Samadhi

Yesterday was my first OB appointment - well, technically I was meeting with a CNM - at UCSF.  I made the appointment weeks ago, but yesterday was the first appointment suggested.  It was funny...  I had been looking forward to the appointment for ages.  But as it got closer, I started getting a little worried.  Like, maybe I wasn't really pregnant.  Or maybe I had miscarried and I didn't know about it.  I almost didn't want to go, because I didn't want to know.  I had almost convinced myself that I had miscarried.  

Tom came with me, even though he ended up missing an important meeting at work.  (It had been canceled, then rescheduled.)  It was good to have him there, even though he was on his iPhone the whole time we were waiting.  (That sorta goes without saying, though.)  We did all the boring stuff first - medical history, talked about the practice, weight, etc.  Then she brought in a little ultrasound machine, and it was time for what we'd been waiting for.

It took a minute - she found my uterus, and the little guppy.  But at first she didn't see the heart.  I squeezed shut my eyes and prayed.  Which means I missed it when she said that the baby was moving all around.  Then she found the heartbeat, and I got to see the guppy for a minute.  No pictures yet, but that's okay.  The little one is swimming in there and I am happy.  As far as we can know, all is well.

I'm still tired.  Tai was home from school today - he got pinkeye yesterday afternoon and the school called me to pick him up.  Even though the doctor said he wouldn't be contagious after two treatments, they didn't want him back for 24 hours.  So we had a good day together - bummed around the neighborhood, played basketball in our backyard, played with trains.  Went to the playground after his nap.  I napped with him - both of us slept for more than three hours.  And even though it's only 10:30, I am about ready for bed.

Poor kid was having a rough night last night, too.  He came to bed with us around 1, but was so restless neither he nor I could really sleep.  He kept saying 'no, no' and thrashing around.  Finally he started crying and said his head and throat and mouth hurt.  I gave him some tylenol and we rocked for about 20 minutes.  Fortunately we both went to sleep around 2:30 and slept until almost 7.  I think he's feeling better tonight, but if he starts crying about a sore throat tonight, I might make another pediatrician appointment.  Strep has been going around his school.  I know he likes school, and it's good for him, and he can catch stuff at the playground too... but damn!  The petri-dish effect of preschool is brutal.

Fortunately the queasiness has backed off some.  It was never bad - but I had several good days in a row.  Today was a little rougher, but still not bad.

I can't wait until I feel the baby move.  And to find out whether guppy is a boy or a girl.  Impatience!

On Friday when I went to pick Tai up from preschool I saw a note hanging up and waiting for me.  They tape notes for parents above the sign-out key-pad.  The notes are usually about your kid acting up in school (hitting, kicking, torturing small animals, things like that).  The week before we'd gotten one because Tai was getting a drink of water and spit it out all down his friend Amelia's shirt.  Now, while I might think that he did that because he loves her (and/or because he is a boy) this is not appropriate behavior, and I was glad to know about it.  There have been a few other times we'd gotten notes about him hitting or kicking.  Not too many, or so I thought.

This note said he had hit someone on the playground, then had a hard time staying still in time out.  And it requested that we make an appointment to talk to his teacher, Miss E, because this has been becoming more frequent.  I made an appointment for this morning at 8am.  Tai is not yet 4 and we're already going to the principal's office.  SIgh.

Needless to say, I was nervous about it and I think Tom was too.  I was starting to worry that they were going to say that Tai is clearly not ready for Montessori and that he can't handle it and we'd need to find another preschool.  Finding a preschool sucks.  Finding one after getting kicked out of one?  I don't even want to think about it.

Tai headed right in to play while we got called into the classroom with Miss A, the director of the school.  Miss E met us there a few minutes later.  Actually, Miss A did most of the talking.  She was really reassuring, and told us right away that Tai is completely normal in his behavior, that this is the age for some serious testing.  But she wanted to make sure we nipped this in the bud, because it seemed to be getting to be a habit.  Apparently, though they send notes home for things that involve other kids, when it's something more minor - like interrupting circle time, or work time, we don't find out about that.  And he's been doing a bit of that, too.

Miss A suggested that time-outs and talking don't work so well at this age.  She suggested a tool she called 'Consequences for Actions'.  Basically, we are making too big of a deal about the things Tai does wrong.  We spend a lot of energy explaining what he did and why it was wrong, and blah blah.  He just likes that he gets our attention.  Instead, on days where we get a note, when he asks for something that evening (dessert, TV time, a game, whatever) we say, "No, I don't feel like X tonight.  You made some bad choices at school today and I am disappointed."  Leave it simple and keep an even tone.  Don't argue, don't engage.  Just remove our energy from him.  Then, later at bedtime - read stories as usual, give lots and lots of hugs and cuddles.  Let him know we love him.  Just remind him that he can make better choices and then we can have more fun together again.  The next day - don't bring it up again.  When dropping him off, we can just say, "I know you'll make good choices at school today.  Have fun!"

On good days, tell him how proud we are that he made good choices - though don't go too over the top with praise.  Once in a while, unexpectedly, we can give him a little extra good thing - a trip to a special place, an ice cream, etc.  

I think this will help.  Miss A swears that it still works on her kids, even at 19 and 24.  She says there's always something to take away (opportunities to make extra money, TV, car privileges, etc) and when the kids think about it - the long term gain is better than the short term misbehavior.  

There was a minute or two where I felt like this could be a little... withholding of my love.  The more misbehaving he does, the cooler we should be with him.  (Until bedtime.)  I'm not so good with this.  I'm going to give it a try, withholding stuff more than my affection.  

I should probably quit saying that I'm tired.  I suppose it should go without saying that even though it's only 9:15, I have been ready for bed for at least half an hour.  Man.  I don't remember being this fried when I was pregnant with Tai.  I've had a couple more small bouts of nausea, but they were transitory and not that bad.  I was feeling a little nervous about not feeling sick (I *know*!  When did anyone ever think I would say that?  I'm shocked too.) but I have been reading this book called "Hands Off My Belly" about pregnancy and birth myths and in the 'early pregnancy' section the authors talked about how not everyone is sick in the beginning.  Nausea and vomiting can correlate with a pregnancy that sticks, but it is not completely hormonally caused.  Like - I was assuming if I wasn't sick, then my hormones must not be very high, so I would be more likely to miscarry.  This is not necessarily true.  Not to mention, it's just the beginning of my sixth week, and plenty of people don't start getting morning sick until around now.  It could still be coming! 

So... yes!  

Last night, after my doula training, I went to the Walgreens nearby that was actually open until midnight.  I needed to get plastic Easter eggs to fill for Tai's class.  And figured as long as I was there, I might as well buy another box of pregnancy tests.  I couldn't make myself wait another day to find a dollar store.  After all, I still hadn't started my period, which was weird.  I spent the evening grumping at Tom and filling the eggs.  This morning, while Tai and Tom fiddled around downstairs, I took a test.  

Learning from my last mistakes (and several people's suggestions!)  I actually peed in a cup this time and dipped the stick.  (After reading the time to leave it in - 5 seconds both for dipping and direct pee.  (On the digital test I needed to hold it longer if I was dipping than direct peeing.)  I wasn't about to make another mistake!  If I did, I still had the pee in the cup, this time.

So I waited the requisite two minutes (adding another 50 or so seconds, just to be sure).  I stuck the test out of sight while I waited, so I didn't peek.  When I pulled it out, I was so surprised that it was actually positive!  I had convinced myself that I wasn't... I couldn't believe it.  I went right downstairs to tell Tom.  I was trying to think of some creative way to tell him... but I hadn't planned ahead and I couldn't wait.

I said, "I owe you an apology for being so grumpy lately.  I'm sorry about that.  But... there is a reason."  I held out the test.  He gave me this huge huge hug.  Later, he said "I am really happy and excited about this."  And then when he started getting ready for work, he gave me another hug and said, "Let's hope for a girl."  I hadn't even thought he might want a girl.  Personally, I would be happy either way.  I am just keeping my fingers crossed for sticking baby.

I told my mom, I told Lisa, I told my Aunt.  I told people at my doula class tonight (the teacher and a couple of women I get along with).  Abigail (the teacher) congratulated me, and said she often warns women taking the class that if they don't want to get pregnant, to take extra care.  She usually has someone get pregnant either during, or just after the class.  I'm happy it worked for me!

The best story, though, is this:  Tom and I had agreed that we'd wait a little to tell Tai.  But not four minutes after I showed Tom the test, Tai came up to me and put a hand on my uterus and said, "Is there a baby in there?"  I was sort of stunned.  He's never suggested this before.  Neither Tom nor I had mentioned a baby out loud.  He just knew.  I told him that yes, I'm working on having a baby... but that babies need to decide if they want to stay.  If this baby wants to stay, I will have a baby.  If not, we'll have to wait for another baby.   He hasn't brought it up again, and neither have I... but we are *all* excited.

And I am tired.  Must sleep.

Even though I've never expected to deliver on my 'due date', and even though I'm well aware that it's more like a 'due couple of weeks', there's something about reaching (and passing) that date that feels... weird. Unsettling, as though I'm the one who is late for something. Of course that feeling isn't helped by everyone else's antsy-pantsyness. My brother called yesterday, just to say hi - not too unusual, except he called during lunch. Tom's parents called on Sunday (when I was out with my Mom and Tom was at work) and when we didn't answer, were convinced we'd gone to the hospital. Brogan called a couple of times. And even when people don't call, I can totally feel their curiosity even from a distance. ( Read more... )

I've made it to 37 weeks and I have to say - I'm relieved. After all of the decision making, I would have been disappointed if I'd gone into labor too early. Of course this points up the fact that it's a good thing Lis and I are going to discuss the possibility of a hospital transfer. Not that I'd argue about any emergency situation, or even any serious suggestion. But she reminded me that there's a very real chance that I'll feel some form of grief if I end up delivering in the hospital, as it clearly isn't my first choice. It will be helpful to think about that ahead of time, I think.

That said - things are going well in the ninth month. Heart burn isn't too bad - happens every now and again, but tea and Tums help. My hands get a bit swollen and tingly, but my ring still fits. I get a back ache sometimes, but not constantly. It is getting to be a bit of a pain to haul my body around. I feel ungainly and awkward... but I really don't mind. I don't worry about weight gain, I don't worry about how I look.

Truthfully, I feel proud of my belly, of my body - in a way I don't think I ever have. I've nourished my baby, helped him to grow, to become the beginnings of a person... and I've done that with my body, not my mind. I tend to over-think, over-intellectualize, get stuck in my head. But other than thinking about nutrition and watching what I put in my body, my brain could have taken a nine month vacation and I would have been able to nourish my baby. It's a strange feeling.

It's a problem when I do start over thinking. I get anxious and start one of my spins. But when I listen to my deeper self, something in me says that this is going to be okay. Sometimes things will be hard, but then they'll get easier. Sometimes things will be scary, but then I'll get over it. Sometimes things will be wonderful and exciting and perfect, and then things will change again. It all will be what it will be... and mostly it will turn out okay underneath - even when it isn't okay at first. This is not a certainty I hold usually - but lately it's something I'm coming to believe completely. I hope I can hold it even when I'm in my darkest spots.

In other news - the wiggler has moved down some and he's still head down. I knew he'd moved last weekend when I went to Home Depot with Tom and I felt like I had to pee about every five minutes. And I was waddling, too (yaow - I am such the sexay thang. Hee). It was cool to know, even before Lis confirmed it by just feeling the abdomen. He's been a bit quiet the last couple of days after several days of being quite active. I lost a pound in between last week's appointment and this week's. I'm pretty sure I'm feeling some Braxton-Hicks. All of these signs point - nowhere! But of course we're all playing the 'what does that say about when you'll go into labor' game. With 17 days to go (give or take) I put a pad on the bed in case of water-breakage in the night, and have started washing the wiggler's clothes. It's really hitting home that there is going to be a *baby* at the end of all of this. Or the beginning, I guess. I can't wait to meet him.

Welcome to 2008. It’s going to be an interesting year. I’m looking forward to seeing how it turns out. If it follows like today, it won’t be so bad. A bit of emotional moodiness (hormones), a bit of grumpiness, a lot of time with friends and preparation to welcome the baby. Downside - a bit of a cold. It would suck if that means I’ll have a sickly year. Ultimately I’m hopeful.

Less than a month to go… I’m feeling particularly big (full?) today. A bit sleepy too, but that could be the cold. Tom and I went to Babies R Us today and picked up the stroller/car seat we had chosen. Just in case labor happens before next week (I’m 36 weeks today), or we need to transfer to the hospital, we will need a car seat to get home. Every passing day makes this feel more real. A baby is coming. Soon!

I’m having an anxious sort of day. It’s been a while since i’ve had one, so I suppose I should give myself a break. But I’ve spent most of the day feeling vaguely upset, and then berating myself for feeling bad. I guess I was hoping that with the meds and the pregnancy hormones and the therapy that the phobia would have finally relented a little bit. Especially since my difficult (nausea-wise and anxiety-wise) first trimester. Unfortunately that seems not to be the case.

It’s stomach flu season (technically every season can be, but winter is the most common time for it to hit) and several people I know are sick, or have been recently. Oddly enough, that can be a trigger to my anxiety. Even if I haven’t been hanging around them… I start to think about the virus being out there, and I start worrying about getting sick. It’s not logical. It’s not helpful.

All day, at least half of my mind has been used to try and talk myself out of the irrational fear. Reminding myself that worrying won’t keep me healthy. And that even if I do come down with a stomach bug, it will be temporary. Sure, it will last longer than I’d like (because I don’t think anyone wants it to last at all), but eventually I’ll feel better. No matter what the phobia thinks, I’ll live through it. The other half of my mind has been ignoring most of the good advice. No wonder I’m tired tonight. I’m thinking too much, and in circles. Good thing I have therapy tomorrow.

Fortunately I didn’t let the anxiety totally suck the fun from my day. Tonight Tom and I went out to dinner. We were laughing; there’s a good possibility that we haven’t gone to a nice restaurant (not counting Denny’s or a burrito joint, or bagel shop) since we saw Eddie Izzard perform back in my first trimester. It was good to go out, just the two of us, before we have the baby. We had some good Japanese food, some good conversation. It was almost like a date. It’s been a while.

In better news - I had my last appointment with the nurse-midwives at the hospital. I felt like a big dork for making my decision so late in the game, and rather uncomfortable about talking about it in general… I didn’t want them to think it had anything to do with them in particular. I *like* them both. It’s about giving birth at home rather than in a hospital. Anyway - the meeting went well. I had a good conversation with the midwife. She gave me the group B strep test… and then she did a quick ultrasound to see whether the baby is head up or head down. She just put the wand to my belly and immediately said - there’s his head, just where it should be.

With only 33 days to go (give or take) - the boy is not breech. He’s head down and ready to rock. Needless to say - I am a happy camper.

Since neither Tom nor I are going anywhere for the holidays, our family has been mailing our presents to us. Which is very sweet. However - most of the presents actually aren't for us. Tom's parents told him this straight up. They said, "Don't expect anything for *you* for Christmas." We laughed. But it's true! The baby isn't even born yet and already he's getting more presents than a child could possibly need. It's hilarious. When we opened the box from Richard and Judy, we discovered that we got one envelope for us, something for me to wear at the hospital (not opened yet), and the rest - for The Boy. This is as it should be - and also gives us a much needed giggle. Here's a shot of our current 'under the tree' situation: ( Read more... )

After much thought, delay, sleeping-on-it, and other non-helpful decision making (and avoiding) measures, I finally chose who I would like to be my home birth midwife, and I called her this afternoon. It was not an easy decision. I liked all of the midwives that I met, and really I think I would be happy with any of them. (Which is helpful, considering that many of them back each other up - so if something happens and my midwife can't be with me, one of the others will be.) I left a message for Lis (of Jade Lotus Midwifery) while I was on my way to the library. I didn't want to put the call off any longer. Fortunately, I got her answering machine so it didn't matter that I was on the street.

She called me back this evening and we chatted for a little bit. There are a couple of questions she had that will impact whether or not I can try for a home birth. First, my Mom has what she called a 'heart-shaped uterus'. (Technical term - bicornuate uterus.) This meant that she couldn't carry either myself or my brother to term. Lis said it also increases the likelihood that I would have a breech baby (both Quin and I were breech), and also could cause me difficulty in delivering the placenta. Which might make me hemorrhage. I'm going to check in with my current midwives to see if we can tell from my ultrasound whether I have a bicornuate uterus (and also the position of my placenta). Lis also wanted to know whether my baby is head down yet or not. I think he is, but I don't know for sure. So I've got some research to do.

She's going to be away for a week, but once she gets back, we're going to meet. Here's hoping that in the meantime I discover that none of the possible problems are actually problems for me. Now that I've made this decision, I really want to be able to follow through.

The hardest thing is going to be telling my Mom. I don't want to add to her stress, but I also don't want to lie. I need to get together some information for her, so she can see that I've done my research and explain that this isn't just a random thought - I've actually worked on it. And then I just need to screw up my courage and call. After all, this is my birth - not hers. And I don't want to risk either myself or the baby. Wish me luck.