Decision

[aubreym]

After much thought, delay, sleeping-on-it, and other non-helpful decision making (and avoiding) measures, I finally chose who I would like to be my home birth midwife, and I called her this afternoon. It was not an easy decision. I liked all of the midwives that I met, and really I think I would be happy with any of them. (Which is helpful, considering that many of them back each other up - so if something happens and my midwife can't be with me, one of the others will be.) I left a message for Lis (of Jade Lotus Midwifery) while I was on my way to the library. I didn't want to put the call off any longer. Fortunately, I got her answering machine so it didn't matter that I was on the street.

She called me back this evening and we chatted for a little bit. There are a couple of questions she had that will impact whether or not I can try for a home birth. First, my Mom has what she called a 'heart-shaped uterus'. (Technical term - bicornuate uterus.) This meant that she couldn't carry either myself or my brother to term. Lis said it also increases the likelihood that I would have a breech baby (both Quin and I were breech), and also could cause me difficulty in delivering the placenta. Which might make me hemorrhage. I'm going to check in with my current midwives to see if we can tell from my ultrasound whether I have a bicornuate uterus (and also the position of my placenta). Lis also wanted to know whether my baby is head down yet or not. I think he is, but I don't know for sure. So I've got some research to do.

She's going to be away for a week, but once she gets back, we're going to meet. Here's hoping that in the meantime I discover that none of the possible problems are actually problems for me. Now that I've made this decision, I really want to be able to follow through.

The hardest thing is going to be telling my Mom. I don't want to add to her stress, but I also don't want to lie. I need to get together some information for her, so she can see that I've done my research and explain that this isn't just a random thought - I've actually worked on it. And then I just need to screw up my courage and call. After all, this is my birth - not hers. And I don't want to risk either myself or the baby. Wish me luck.

Comments

[janisfan.livejournal.com]

What I found is that parenthood/becoming a parent has "completed" the separation from my mom in a way. I (and Marty) am the decision maker when it comes to Sadie (and to her birth). I may ask/want my mom's opinion, as I often do, but in the end I must make decisions that make sense for me even if she disagrees with them. Even if she was right in the first place.

It's really been a transformation of sorts ... as I have always "needed" my mom's approval.

[aubreym.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for this comment - it made it much easier for me to actually talk to my mom yesterday. I can feel my own transformation in this way just beginning. And your comment clarified my mostly-unverbalized feelings.

[janisfan.livejournal.com]

I'm so glad. Warning: My "wisdom" isn't always this helpful! lol