Seeking Samadhi

On Friday when I went to pick Tai up from preschool I saw a note hanging up and waiting for me.  They tape notes for parents above the sign-out key-pad.  The notes are usually about your kid acting up in school (hitting, kicking, torturing small animals, things like that).  The week before we'd gotten one because Tai was getting a drink of water and spit it out all down his friend Amelia's shirt.  Now, while I might think that he did that because he loves her (and/or because he is a boy) this is not appropriate behavior, and I was glad to know about it.  There have been a few other times we'd gotten notes about him hitting or kicking.  Not too many, or so I thought.

This note said he had hit someone on the playground, then had a hard time staying still in time out.  And it requested that we make an appointment to talk to his teacher, Miss E, because this has been becoming more frequent.  I made an appointment for this morning at 8am.  Tai is not yet 4 and we're already going to the principal's office.  SIgh.

Needless to say, I was nervous about it and I think Tom was too.  I was starting to worry that they were going to say that Tai is clearly not ready for Montessori and that he can't handle it and we'd need to find another preschool.  Finding a preschool sucks.  Finding one after getting kicked out of one?  I don't even want to think about it.

Tai headed right in to play while we got called into the classroom with Miss A, the director of the school.  Miss E met us there a few minutes later.  Actually, Miss A did most of the talking.  She was really reassuring, and told us right away that Tai is completely normal in his behavior, that this is the age for some serious testing.  But she wanted to make sure we nipped this in the bud, because it seemed to be getting to be a habit.  Apparently, though they send notes home for things that involve other kids, when it's something more minor - like interrupting circle time, or work time, we don't find out about that.  And he's been doing a bit of that, too.

Miss A suggested that time-outs and talking don't work so well at this age.  She suggested a tool she called 'Consequences for Actions'.  Basically, we are making too big of a deal about the things Tai does wrong.  We spend a lot of energy explaining what he did and why it was wrong, and blah blah.  He just likes that he gets our attention.  Instead, on days where we get a note, when he asks for something that evening (dessert, TV time, a game, whatever) we say, "No, I don't feel like X tonight.  You made some bad choices at school today and I am disappointed."  Leave it simple and keep an even tone.  Don't argue, don't engage.  Just remove our energy from him.  Then, later at bedtime - read stories as usual, give lots and lots of hugs and cuddles.  Let him know we love him.  Just remind him that he can make better choices and then we can have more fun together again.  The next day - don't bring it up again.  When dropping him off, we can just say, "I know you'll make good choices at school today.  Have fun!"

On good days, tell him how proud we are that he made good choices - though don't go too over the top with praise.  Once in a while, unexpectedly, we can give him a little extra good thing - a trip to a special place, an ice cream, etc.  

I think this will help.  Miss A swears that it still works on her kids, even at 19 and 24.  She says there's always something to take away (opportunities to make extra money, TV, car privileges, etc) and when the kids think about it - the long term gain is better than the short term misbehavior.  

There was a minute or two where I felt like this could be a little... withholding of my love.  The more misbehaving he does, the cooler we should be with him.  (Until bedtime.)  I'm not so good with this.  I'm going to give it a try, withholding stuff more than my affection.  

I should probably quit saying that I'm tired.  I suppose it should go without saying that even though it's only 9:15, I have been ready for bed for at least half an hour.  Man.  I don't remember being this fried when I was pregnant with Tai.  I've had a couple more small bouts of nausea, but they were transitory and not that bad.  I was feeling a little nervous about not feeling sick (I *know*!  When did anyone ever think I would say that?  I'm shocked too.) but I have been reading this book called "Hands Off My Belly" about pregnancy and birth myths and in the 'early pregnancy' section the authors talked about how not everyone is sick in the beginning.  Nausea and vomiting can correlate with a pregnancy that sticks, but it is not completely hormonally caused.  Like - I was assuming if I wasn't sick, then my hormones must not be very high, so I would be more likely to miscarry.  This is not necessarily true.  Not to mention, it's just the beginning of my sixth week, and plenty of people don't start getting morning sick until around now.  It could still be coming! 

So... yes!  

Last night, after my doula training, I went to the Walgreens nearby that was actually open until midnight.  I needed to get plastic Easter eggs to fill for Tai's class.  And figured as long as I was there, I might as well buy another box of pregnancy tests.  I couldn't make myself wait another day to find a dollar store.  After all, I still hadn't started my period, which was weird.  I spent the evening grumping at Tom and filling the eggs.  This morning, while Tai and Tom fiddled around downstairs, I took a test.  

Learning from my last mistakes (and several people's suggestions!)  I actually peed in a cup this time and dipped the stick.  (After reading the time to leave it in - 5 seconds both for dipping and direct pee.  (On the digital test I needed to hold it longer if I was dipping than direct peeing.)  I wasn't about to make another mistake!  If I did, I still had the pee in the cup, this time.

So I waited the requisite two minutes (adding another 50 or so seconds, just to be sure).  I stuck the test out of sight while I waited, so I didn't peek.  When I pulled it out, I was so surprised that it was actually positive!  I had convinced myself that I wasn't... I couldn't believe it.  I went right downstairs to tell Tom.  I was trying to think of some creative way to tell him... but I hadn't planned ahead and I couldn't wait.

I said, "I owe you an apology for being so grumpy lately.  I'm sorry about that.  But... there is a reason."  I held out the test.  He gave me this huge huge hug.  Later, he said "I am really happy and excited about this."  And then when he started getting ready for work, he gave me another hug and said, "Let's hope for a girl."  I hadn't even thought he might want a girl.  Personally, I would be happy either way.  I am just keeping my fingers crossed for sticking baby.

I told my mom, I told Lisa, I told my Aunt.  I told people at my doula class tonight (the teacher and a couple of women I get along with).  Abigail (the teacher) congratulated me, and said she often warns women taking the class that if they don't want to get pregnant, to take extra care.  She usually has someone get pregnant either during, or just after the class.  I'm happy it worked for me!

The best story, though, is this:  Tom and I had agreed that we'd wait a little to tell Tai.  But not four minutes after I showed Tom the test, Tai came up to me and put a hand on my uterus and said, "Is there a baby in there?"  I was sort of stunned.  He's never suggested this before.  Neither Tom nor I had mentioned a baby out loud.  He just knew.  I told him that yes, I'm working on having a baby... but that babies need to decide if they want to stay.  If this baby wants to stay, I will have a baby.  If not, we'll have to wait for another baby.   He hasn't brought it up again, and neither have I... but we are *all* excited.

And I am tired.  Must sleep.

I keep losing myself in the mundane day-to-dayness of life, somehow.  Then one day I wake up, look around, realize I've not updated my journal in weeks (though I have *tons* of stuff to say and share), I am behind on email, I am behind on my novel and my writing-with-Melly, and I wonder what the hell happened.  I don't even think I've been depressed this time.  I haven't been overly anxious.  It feels like I get sucked into some weird other-dimension.  Sadly, it wasn't even a very exciting dimension.  It was just like this one - only boring.  

So it's the beginning of the month and things are starting off with a bang.  I got up with just enough time to get breakfast, shower and head out to therapy.  Tom took Tai to 'school' so I spent extra time lazing in bed and reading.  (I know, so decadent!)  Of course, I get downstairs and realize one of the dogs has pooped all over the living room floor.  There went my breakfast time.  I cleaned up, showered (because cleaning up that much poop means anyone would want a shower), and checked my email for any important news.  

I deleted some random newsletters, then suddenly I saw I'd gotten an email from a Montessori preschool.  We were on the waiting list, and they just had a spot open up for Tai.  I am so torn, but after much processing with Wendy, I think I know what we should do.  

Finding a preschool with slots open in San Francisco is not easy - especially when one starts late, as I did.  ("Late" creeps up!)  We toured three schools - two home-based, one center.  The Montessori school was the center.  Tai liked two of three - one home based and the Montessori.  The other home based one was a strange experience.  It was in the basement - and it felt crowded with about 8 kids.  There were no windows in the main room, everything felt dingy and the kids were bouncing off the walls (even though it was circle/story time).  Tai went to play with a train table while I talked to the main teacher, but when I came back he grabbed on to my legs and hid his face for a long time.  This is not like him, at all.  I didn't like the feel, or the way he acted so that school was out.  The Montessori school is expensive, big, and comparatively highly structured.  It's also 5 days a week.  But I've heard great things about it, they do a lot of stuff with the kids, and when we visited Tai really enjoyed himself and seemed to fit right in.  I liked that they had mixed age classes, too.  Tai loves hanging out with the big kids.  When we did our long visit, we met a couple of parents, one of whom we talked to for quite a while.  She had two kids there (one transitioned to kindergarten) and it has been a great fit for both of them, even though they have very different personalities.  I would have sent Tai there right away, but they had a long waiting list.  I signed him onto the list, and we went to the third place.

We ended up going there - Magic Palette.  It's home based, but warm, bright, clean.  Jan is a wonderful teacher, with great experience.  She's been helpful during *my* transition, which was harder than Tai's.  She's good with energetic kids, as well as kids who are having a harder transition.  She has two dogs, two birds, a mouse, a fish and some frogs.  The kids get to play outside in her yard everyday that it's nice weather.  They do art, they do water play, they make play dough, they make bracelets and paper-airplanes.  But - there are only 6 kids at a time.  It is small.  They don't leave her house for field trips or to go to the playground.  Tai loves it ... but I have started to worry that he'll get bored in about six months.

Unlike me, Tai thrives on new experiences. He dives in with both feet, barely looking to see if I come along.  When we went to the Rec Center's open house this week, he went off with two new 'teachers' he'd never met before, to play kickball.  He kicked at his turn, ran the bases, and didn't even check to see if I was watching right away.  I love that independence in him.  I think he's getting bored being with me and doing the same old thing - playground, neighborhood walks, etc.  He wants to play with other kids.  When he's bored is when he starts tantrums and getting into trouble - throwing stuff, etc.

He loves going to 'school'.  He had no issues separating.  Though he had a day of testing, he's done wonderfully since then.  He's made a friend, and he is always excited to go to school.  But I have been thinking that maybe it won't hold his interest.  That he'll get bored and start trouble because he'll want to be doing new things and they'll still be doing the same things.

I worry, though, that throwing him into a bigger place won't be good for him.  Because when I was a kid, the smaller would have been perfect for me.  

But I know he's smart, strong, independent and curious.  I don't want to limit him because I imagine that I would want something when I was his age, so he will want that too.  

I think this change would be good for him.  I want him to keep loving school, as long as possible.  Tom and I are going to discuss it this weekend.  We have to let them know by Monday because if Tai doesn't take the spot, someone else on the waiting list will.  

So this was Tai, yesterday evening. His hair was slightly damp, and it was curly and adorable. But it was also hanging in his eyes most of the time and it was hard for him to see. I've been debating what to do about it for weeks. More. Leave it long? Cut it? I went back and forth, back and forth. Finally I made a decision.


How the hell did he go from baby to Boy in 3.2 seconds?   I cannot even believe it.  I have been looking at him all day today and wondering where time went.  Of course, a big part of that is because he starts preschool tomorrow morning.   I cut his hair for school - I didn't think he could see with it the way it was.  Clips didn't stay in his hair, it didn't stay behind his ear... it just hung over his eyes and he didn't really even push it away much.  

This morning I asked him - 'do you want to get your hair cut, or do you want to leave it long?'  I didn't put the cut second, because sometimes toddlers just default to the second choice.  He said he wanted it cut.  So we went out to Kids Cuts and he picked out a car to sit in and watched Thomas the Train and after less than half an hour it was done.  I got teary, but he didn't even seem to notice.  

I did save a couple of his locks of hair.

Also - I got back on Parlodel today.  It's time to think about a second baby, so it's also time to get the prolactin under control.  Change is in the air.

  I'm going to skip over all of the stupid mental stuff that's been twisting my brain in knots lately.  It's not worth saying the same thing over and over.  It's bad enough that I have to think it over and over.  Instead, I'm going to give a brief Tai update.

We picked out a daycare for him - he starts at the Magic Palette in September, three days a week.  It's just a few blocks away, a home-based daycare.  But I was impressed with all of the stuff they do with the kids (art, play dough, trains, planting veggies, bug hunts, reading), the house is light and clean and open.  Tai got to check it out, and on the way home he said, without prompting, "I like that school."  For the first time, I felt like we'd found a place that fit.  And we got accepted, too.  I figure Tai will stay there at least a year, maybe then transfer to a preschool instead of a daycare.

The other day someone on the Bernal Parent's list was giving away a toddler basketball hoop.  Tai and I went to pick it up on Friday and he was so excited to play basketball on his own hoop that he did a little dance.  It was the 'I love it' dance, that's what he called it.  He's pretty good - in fact, better than me.  (This is good, since he enjoys sports way more than I do.  It would stink if he had my hand-eye coordination.)

He's been needing me to do the bedtime routine lately.  If Tom tries it's a huge tantrum, and I just can't let him cry for me while I'm at home.  I lay down with him on his bed as he falls asleep.  It's too cute - lately he's been singing to himself as he drifts off.  Yesterday he was trying to sing, "All together now" by the Beatles, but he only remembered the tune and the ABCD part, so he sang the alphabet song to that tune.  Then tonight he was trying to sing the theme song to Zoboomafoo.  The only lyrics he remembered were "Zoboomafoo... little leaping lemur", so he sang, "the little leaping lemur went up the water spout" and continued on with the itsy bitsy spider song.  I just barely kept from laughing.

I am working hard to commit these moments to memory, and to fully appreciate this time together.  I love his smile, especially the one shown above - the shit eating grin.  He's going to be trouble later.

Lest readers start thinking that it's nothing other than sickness, tantrums, anxiety and whining around here, I figured I'd better offer a Tai update that doesn't center around his (and my) hardest times.

He is growing by leaps and bounds, both physically and mentally.  I can barely keep up with him.  It's amazing. 
( Read more... )

 

It was a full weekend - Tai and I had a First 5 excursion, we visited twirlgrrl , we had Ross (a friend of Tom's from middle school) visit for the weekend, Tai got sick with the dreaded Hand, Foot and Mouth disease (which still makes me think of Foot and Mouth disease), we went to Golden Gate park, the Sutro Baths and Chrissy Field.  We also went out drinking (without Tai) and stayed up too late last night listening to new music and talking to Ross.  So, in lieu of a real entry, please enjoy these pics.  (Or feel free to skip if you aren't into that sort of thing.)

( Pikachers... )

Poor kidlet, he just doesn't have good luck with the head, apparently especially the left side.  Yesterday we were gardening in our front 'yard'.  He loves to help me lately - vacuuming, laundry (both loading and folding), feeding the dogs, microwaving the food, but especially weeding.  In the past few days, we've probably spent three hours total pulling weeds and getting the gardens ready for planting.  So I was trimming the dead heads and dead branches off the lavender while Tai pulled clover and tossed mulch onto the ground.  We were both standing in the raised bed.  I wasn't worried about him because I'd seen him climb down the step to the ground several times.  I asked a couple of times if he was ready for dinner, but he wanted to stay out and weed longer.  Finally I turned around (maybe to tell him to quit throwing the mulch onto the ground, please!) and saw him lean far over the edge of the ledge and tumble over - head over heels.  I couldn't reach him in time and he landed face-down on the concrete.

We were both freaked out.  I worried that he'd given himself brain damage - while he was more concerned with the scrape over his eyebrow, and under his eye.  Poor kid!  He cried, and I raced him inside for nursing and damage check.  After a quick 'Ask Dr. Sears' web search (where I discovered that a fall under 3 feet is usually okay, even onto hard surfaces) and a freaked out phone call to Tom and my Mom for me - and boobie for him, we were both calmer.  In about 10 minutes he was better and playing happily, so I decided to wait and watch for concussion.  

Tom's response?  'Welcome to being the mother of a boy'.  Sigh.  When Tai and I went out to weed again this evening, I asked what he was trying to do yesterday and he said, 'Reach for mulch'.  Why?  I have no clue.  Today he seems to be just fine, other than looking like he's got a black eye.  (I feel slightly lucky that he got the scrapes, though - that way it doesn't look like I punched him.)

He's such a love, though.  He's talking up a storm - even in his sleep.  In the last week or so, he's talked about Mimi and Popa, begged for bagels, told 'daddy, no' and said something about baseball.  If I could, I might stay awake just to listen to him.  

He's big on finding 'matches', ever since he got some Memory games for his birthday.  He matches colors and patterns.

When Tom got back from China, we were all laying in bed trying to get Tai to nap.  Tai was more interested in counting Daddy's eyes, nose, ears, etc.  He pointed out both of Tom's earrings, then said to me, "I talking to Daddy about earrings."

Over the past week or so, I've been rediscovering how lucky I am.  Tai is fabulous, and I am blessed.

Random thought of the day:  I'm sitting on the couch watching House, when 13 gets a call from a clinic where she applied for a job.  The woman on the call says "we loved meeting you and, well, the job's yours".   Suddenly I found myself wishing that I was the one getting that call - that I was getting a 'real job' outside the house.  I'm not sure what that's about, maybe wishing for the mundaniaty of a day job.  Maybe wishing for someone in a position of authority to tell me that I'm someone who knows what they're doing, who would do a good job.  Or maybe I'm wishing for a job where my boss doesn't have a screaming tantrum on the street that is so loud and intense that neighbors come out to make sure no one is being kidnapped. 

Tai had a tough day - getting dressed was tantrum worthy, even with grandma visiting.  Going potty before bed was tantrum worthy.  Going the wrong direction on the sidewalk - right, tantrum worthy.  I'm not sure whether he was teething, hitting his terrible twos early, or still getting over the most recent illness, but wow.  I'm tired.  (Possibly because I'm still getting over whatever virus it was that we had.)

Second random thought of the day: I was in the car with mom and I asked her when she stopped being surprised at being The Mother - or if she'd ever felt that way.  Yesterday we were hanging out together after she'd been in the desert for a week, and at one point Tai wanted to be carried.  Mom offered to carry him, but he chose to have me carry him.  She said, "Oh, you want Mommy."  For a minute I found myself surprised both that he chose *me*, and also that I am The Mommy, with all that entails (both the responsibility and the bonuses).  I can't believe he's almost two and I still catch myself looking over my shoulder for the Real Mommy to come home and take Tai from Babysitter Me.  Not very often, and not with real desire for it to happen.  

It was funny, Mom said she didn't remember whether she ever felt that or not.  She couldn't tease out whether that was because she had a different relationship with her mother than the relationship we have, or whether it's a facet of our relationship or what.  Interesting question, though.

Also - we stopped at Target on the way home from Babys R Us (I had to pick up a pump part for my breast pump) and with all of the holiday decorations up, I am suddenly looking forward to the winter festivities.  I can't wait to make this time just as magical for Tai as Halloween was.  It's only going to be more fun as he gets older.  

Tai had the most fabulous Halloween - which is good, considering how much he was looking forward to it.  He loved the decorations, the stories, the pumpkins.  Yesterday I threw a modest Halloween party for friends, Tom's coworkers and the women from my neighborhood mom's group.  It went really well - all of the kids played together, and no one got bitten.  (In fact, no one got wounded at all.  There were a couple of minor mishaps around sharing toys, but that's to be expected.)  Not only did the kids have a good time, but the adults chatted together too.  It's funny - even though I wasn't doing a lot of work during the party, it was hard to get to talk to anyone for very long!  It did feel good to have everyone having fun.  Tai seemed to love it too, even though he had to share his toys.  Fortunately Dottie came on the early side, so I got to watch her and Tai make flirty eyes at each other.

The other kids were adorable, too.  I should have taken pictures!  We had: a knight, a garbage man, a dutch girl, Nicholas from "I am a Bunny", an astronaut, a vampire (of the Dracula, not Twilight, variety), a punk rocker (who happened to be one of the quietest kids in the group), a dog, Princess Jasmine, a panda, a devil and a giraffe.  

After the party, we headed down to Cortland and did plenty of trick or treating.  Tai said 'trick or treat' to everyone, and even remembered to say thank you, with prompting.  I think it helped that he had Blue by his side for most of the adventure, so he got to see how it's done by the big boys.  He totally idolizes Blue.  I can't wait to see how they grow up together.

When we got home, he handed out candy - which he got a kick out of, though he was scared by some kids in masks.  Then he and Tom went next door and crashed our neighbor's party.  It was 9pm, but Tai joined the other kids there, who were jumping off the couch into a big mosh pit of pillows. 

Even today he was still in a good mood.  We went to the playground with Blue and Lisa, then they came over for a little hang out/ Guitar Hero time.  We're going to have to play that in a group more often.  Tonight we went to dinner with Mom and Mcgee.  The restaurant was decorated for Halloween, still.  At one point, Tai was getting restless - he was tired and we were waiting for the check.  I suggested he count the spiders on the spider web - and he counted to ten, all by himself.  I will admit to being pretty proud.