Seeking Samadhi

Yesterday was my first OB appointment - well, technically I was meeting with a CNM - at UCSF.  I made the appointment weeks ago, but yesterday was the first appointment suggested.  It was funny...  I had been looking forward to the appointment for ages.  But as it got closer, I started getting a little worried.  Like, maybe I wasn't really pregnant.  Or maybe I had miscarried and I didn't know about it.  I almost didn't want to go, because I didn't want to know.  I had almost convinced myself that I had miscarried.  

Tom came with me, even though he ended up missing an important meeting at work.  (It had been canceled, then rescheduled.)  It was good to have him there, even though he was on his iPhone the whole time we were waiting.  (That sorta goes without saying, though.)  We did all the boring stuff first - medical history, talked about the practice, weight, etc.  Then she brought in a little ultrasound machine, and it was time for what we'd been waiting for.

It took a minute - she found my uterus, and the little guppy.  But at first she didn't see the heart.  I squeezed shut my eyes and prayed.  Which means I missed it when she said that the baby was moving all around.  Then she found the heartbeat, and I got to see the guppy for a minute.  No pictures yet, but that's okay.  The little one is swimming in there and I am happy.  As far as we can know, all is well.

I'm still tired.  Tai was home from school today - he got pinkeye yesterday afternoon and the school called me to pick him up.  Even though the doctor said he wouldn't be contagious after two treatments, they didn't want him back for 24 hours.  So we had a good day together - bummed around the neighborhood, played basketball in our backyard, played with trains.  Went to the playground after his nap.  I napped with him - both of us slept for more than three hours.  And even though it's only 10:30, I am about ready for bed.

Poor kid was having a rough night last night, too.  He came to bed with us around 1, but was so restless neither he nor I could really sleep.  He kept saying 'no, no' and thrashing around.  Finally he started crying and said his head and throat and mouth hurt.  I gave him some tylenol and we rocked for about 20 minutes.  Fortunately we both went to sleep around 2:30 and slept until almost 7.  I think he's feeling better tonight, but if he starts crying about a sore throat tonight, I might make another pediatrician appointment.  Strep has been going around his school.  I know he likes school, and it's good for him, and he can catch stuff at the playground too... but damn!  The petri-dish effect of preschool is brutal.

Fortunately the queasiness has backed off some.  It was never bad - but I had several good days in a row.  Today was a little rougher, but still not bad.

I can't wait until I feel the baby move.  And to find out whether guppy is a boy or a girl.  Impatience!

On Friday when I went to pick Tai up from preschool I saw a note hanging up and waiting for me.  They tape notes for parents above the sign-out key-pad.  The notes are usually about your kid acting up in school (hitting, kicking, torturing small animals, things like that).  The week before we'd gotten one because Tai was getting a drink of water and spit it out all down his friend Amelia's shirt.  Now, while I might think that he did that because he loves her (and/or because he is a boy) this is not appropriate behavior, and I was glad to know about it.  There have been a few other times we'd gotten notes about him hitting or kicking.  Not too many, or so I thought.

This note said he had hit someone on the playground, then had a hard time staying still in time out.  And it requested that we make an appointment to talk to his teacher, Miss E, because this has been becoming more frequent.  I made an appointment for this morning at 8am.  Tai is not yet 4 and we're already going to the principal's office.  SIgh.

Needless to say, I was nervous about it and I think Tom was too.  I was starting to worry that they were going to say that Tai is clearly not ready for Montessori and that he can't handle it and we'd need to find another preschool.  Finding a preschool sucks.  Finding one after getting kicked out of one?  I don't even want to think about it.

Tai headed right in to play while we got called into the classroom with Miss A, the director of the school.  Miss E met us there a few minutes later.  Actually, Miss A did most of the talking.  She was really reassuring, and told us right away that Tai is completely normal in his behavior, that this is the age for some serious testing.  But she wanted to make sure we nipped this in the bud, because it seemed to be getting to be a habit.  Apparently, though they send notes home for things that involve other kids, when it's something more minor - like interrupting circle time, or work time, we don't find out about that.  And he's been doing a bit of that, too.

Miss A suggested that time-outs and talking don't work so well at this age.  She suggested a tool she called 'Consequences for Actions'.  Basically, we are making too big of a deal about the things Tai does wrong.  We spend a lot of energy explaining what he did and why it was wrong, and blah blah.  He just likes that he gets our attention.  Instead, on days where we get a note, when he asks for something that evening (dessert, TV time, a game, whatever) we say, "No, I don't feel like X tonight.  You made some bad choices at school today and I am disappointed."  Leave it simple and keep an even tone.  Don't argue, don't engage.  Just remove our energy from him.  Then, later at bedtime - read stories as usual, give lots and lots of hugs and cuddles.  Let him know we love him.  Just remind him that he can make better choices and then we can have more fun together again.  The next day - don't bring it up again.  When dropping him off, we can just say, "I know you'll make good choices at school today.  Have fun!"

On good days, tell him how proud we are that he made good choices - though don't go too over the top with praise.  Once in a while, unexpectedly, we can give him a little extra good thing - a trip to a special place, an ice cream, etc.  

I think this will help.  Miss A swears that it still works on her kids, even at 19 and 24.  She says there's always something to take away (opportunities to make extra money, TV, car privileges, etc) and when the kids think about it - the long term gain is better than the short term misbehavior.  

There was a minute or two where I felt like this could be a little... withholding of my love.  The more misbehaving he does, the cooler we should be with him.  (Until bedtime.)  I'm not so good with this.  I'm going to give it a try, withholding stuff more than my affection.  

I should probably quit saying that I'm tired.  I suppose it should go without saying that even though it's only 9:15, I have been ready for bed for at least half an hour.  Man.  I don't remember being this fried when I was pregnant with Tai.  I've had a couple more small bouts of nausea, but they were transitory and not that bad.  I was feeling a little nervous about not feeling sick (I *know*!  When did anyone ever think I would say that?  I'm shocked too.) but I have been reading this book called "Hands Off My Belly" about pregnancy and birth myths and in the 'early pregnancy' section the authors talked about how not everyone is sick in the beginning.  Nausea and vomiting can correlate with a pregnancy that sticks, but it is not completely hormonally caused.  Like - I was assuming if I wasn't sick, then my hormones must not be very high, so I would be more likely to miscarry.  This is not necessarily true.  Not to mention, it's just the beginning of my sixth week, and plenty of people don't start getting morning sick until around now.  It could still be coming! 

So... yes!  

Last night, after my doula training, I went to the Walgreens nearby that was actually open until midnight.  I needed to get plastic Easter eggs to fill for Tai's class.  And figured as long as I was there, I might as well buy another box of pregnancy tests.  I couldn't make myself wait another day to find a dollar store.  After all, I still hadn't started my period, which was weird.  I spent the evening grumping at Tom and filling the eggs.  This morning, while Tai and Tom fiddled around downstairs, I took a test.  

Learning from my last mistakes (and several people's suggestions!)  I actually peed in a cup this time and dipped the stick.  (After reading the time to leave it in - 5 seconds both for dipping and direct pee.  (On the digital test I needed to hold it longer if I was dipping than direct peeing.)  I wasn't about to make another mistake!  If I did, I still had the pee in the cup, this time.

So I waited the requisite two minutes (adding another 50 or so seconds, just to be sure).  I stuck the test out of sight while I waited, so I didn't peek.  When I pulled it out, I was so surprised that it was actually positive!  I had convinced myself that I wasn't... I couldn't believe it.  I went right downstairs to tell Tom.  I was trying to think of some creative way to tell him... but I hadn't planned ahead and I couldn't wait.

I said, "I owe you an apology for being so grumpy lately.  I'm sorry about that.  But... there is a reason."  I held out the test.  He gave me this huge huge hug.  Later, he said "I am really happy and excited about this."  And then when he started getting ready for work, he gave me another hug and said, "Let's hope for a girl."  I hadn't even thought he might want a girl.  Personally, I would be happy either way.  I am just keeping my fingers crossed for sticking baby.

I told my mom, I told Lisa, I told my Aunt.  I told people at my doula class tonight (the teacher and a couple of women I get along with).  Abigail (the teacher) congratulated me, and said she often warns women taking the class that if they don't want to get pregnant, to take extra care.  She usually has someone get pregnant either during, or just after the class.  I'm happy it worked for me!

The best story, though, is this:  Tom and I had agreed that we'd wait a little to tell Tai.  But not four minutes after I showed Tom the test, Tai came up to me and put a hand on my uterus and said, "Is there a baby in there?"  I was sort of stunned.  He's never suggested this before.  Neither Tom nor I had mentioned a baby out loud.  He just knew.  I told him that yes, I'm working on having a baby... but that babies need to decide if they want to stay.  If this baby wants to stay, I will have a baby.  If not, we'll have to wait for another baby.   He hasn't brought it up again, and neither have I... but we are *all* excited.

And I am tired.  Must sleep.

Of course I came down with whatever plague Tai had this morning.  I woke up feeling a little weird and soon the stuffiness set in and then the sinus headache and general feeling of yuck.  So instead of celebrating my first day of having Tai back to school by going to Starbucks for a much-missed Pumpkin Spice Latte and some good writing, I spent it on the couch watching TV.  It's just like last week, but I don't have anyone to whine at.  Thank goodness I have a ton of Law and Order: Criminal Intent and In Treatment to watch.  And I napped.

We had a good weekend, though.  Tai started to feel better on Saturday morning, just in time for Judy and Richard to visit (Tom's mom and step-dad).  For the first day in ages, he ran around like usual (though with more snot than is healthy for anyone).  We decorated the house, went to the bead store (I am so addicted to beading) and had a great dinner with my mom last night.

Friday night was fabulous - I had my last writing class of this 6 month session, and while I didn't finish the first draft of my novel, I did get some good progress.  I was having my last submission critiqued, and it was well liked.  My favorite comment was from a woman who I really respect.  She said, "It was creepy and hot."  Exactly what I was going for!  Unfortunately I didn't give anyone a NSFW warning, and half of the class read it during work.  One woman said she was reading along, when her mom called.  She was so startled that her mom thought she'd been sleeping or something.  She just hoped her mom wouldn't ask exactly what she was reading.   Everyone seemed both disturbed and enthralled by the section, which was my hope.  I'm trying to figure out my next step with writing classes.  I could take the same class again, but I'm not sure how well I do with it.  I'm not good in keeping up with my weekly check ins when I have a partner who also flakes.  I think it might be more useful for me to have a group that meets more frequently and has more in-depth critique.  My skin has gotten a lot thicker around my writing.  I  can take criticism better than I used to.  I feel like I want a push, and I'm not sure where to find that.

I'm hoping that this sickness doesn't last as long as Tai's did.  I would like to actually get out and do something.  Tonight was the Sing-It-Yourself Messiah, which I've gone to for five or so years now, but I was feeling too crappy to go.  Plus, I don't think my voice could have done it.

Tomorrow I'll have a better entry.   If you're looking for an intro to me, check out my intro tag!

I keep losing myself in the mundane day-to-dayness of life, somehow.  Then one day I wake up, look around, realize I've not updated my journal in weeks (though I have *tons* of stuff to say and share), I am behind on email, I am behind on my novel and my writing-with-Melly, and I wonder what the hell happened.  I don't even think I've been depressed this time.  I haven't been overly anxious.  It feels like I get sucked into some weird other-dimension.  Sadly, it wasn't even a very exciting dimension.  It was just like this one - only boring.  

So it's the beginning of the month and things are starting off with a bang.  I got up with just enough time to get breakfast, shower and head out to therapy.  Tom took Tai to 'school' so I spent extra time lazing in bed and reading.  (I know, so decadent!)  Of course, I get downstairs and realize one of the dogs has pooped all over the living room floor.  There went my breakfast time.  I cleaned up, showered (because cleaning up that much poop means anyone would want a shower), and checked my email for any important news.  

I deleted some random newsletters, then suddenly I saw I'd gotten an email from a Montessori preschool.  We were on the waiting list, and they just had a spot open up for Tai.  I am so torn, but after much processing with Wendy, I think I know what we should do.  

Finding a preschool with slots open in San Francisco is not easy - especially when one starts late, as I did.  ("Late" creeps up!)  We toured three schools - two home-based, one center.  The Montessori school was the center.  Tai liked two of three - one home based and the Montessori.  The other home based one was a strange experience.  It was in the basement - and it felt crowded with about 8 kids.  There were no windows in the main room, everything felt dingy and the kids were bouncing off the walls (even though it was circle/story time).  Tai went to play with a train table while I talked to the main teacher, but when I came back he grabbed on to my legs and hid his face for a long time.  This is not like him, at all.  I didn't like the feel, or the way he acted so that school was out.  The Montessori school is expensive, big, and comparatively highly structured.  It's also 5 days a week.  But I've heard great things about it, they do a lot of stuff with the kids, and when we visited Tai really enjoyed himself and seemed to fit right in.  I liked that they had mixed age classes, too.  Tai loves hanging out with the big kids.  When we did our long visit, we met a couple of parents, one of whom we talked to for quite a while.  She had two kids there (one transitioned to kindergarten) and it has been a great fit for both of them, even though they have very different personalities.  I would have sent Tai there right away, but they had a long waiting list.  I signed him onto the list, and we went to the third place.

We ended up going there - Magic Palette.  It's home based, but warm, bright, clean.  Jan is a wonderful teacher, with great experience.  She's been helpful during *my* transition, which was harder than Tai's.  She's good with energetic kids, as well as kids who are having a harder transition.  She has two dogs, two birds, a mouse, a fish and some frogs.  The kids get to play outside in her yard everyday that it's nice weather.  They do art, they do water play, they make play dough, they make bracelets and paper-airplanes.  But - there are only 6 kids at a time.  It is small.  They don't leave her house for field trips or to go to the playground.  Tai loves it ... but I have started to worry that he'll get bored in about six months.

Unlike me, Tai thrives on new experiences. He dives in with both feet, barely looking to see if I come along.  When we went to the Rec Center's open house this week, he went off with two new 'teachers' he'd never met before, to play kickball.  He kicked at his turn, ran the bases, and didn't even check to see if I was watching right away.  I love that independence in him.  I think he's getting bored being with me and doing the same old thing - playground, neighborhood walks, etc.  He wants to play with other kids.  When he's bored is when he starts tantrums and getting into trouble - throwing stuff, etc.

He loves going to 'school'.  He had no issues separating.  Though he had a day of testing, he's done wonderfully since then.  He's made a friend, and he is always excited to go to school.  But I have been thinking that maybe it won't hold his interest.  That he'll get bored and start trouble because he'll want to be doing new things and they'll still be doing the same things.

I worry, though, that throwing him into a bigger place won't be good for him.  Because when I was a kid, the smaller would have been perfect for me.  

But I know he's smart, strong, independent and curious.  I don't want to limit him because I imagine that I would want something when I was his age, so he will want that too.  

I think this change would be good for him.  I want him to keep loving school, as long as possible.  Tom and I are going to discuss it this weekend.  We have to let them know by Monday because if Tai doesn't take the spot, someone else on the waiting list will.  

So this was Tai, yesterday evening. His hair was slightly damp, and it was curly and adorable. But it was also hanging in his eyes most of the time and it was hard for him to see. I've been debating what to do about it for weeks. More. Leave it long? Cut it? I went back and forth, back and forth. Finally I made a decision.


How the hell did he go from baby to Boy in 3.2 seconds?   I cannot even believe it.  I have been looking at him all day today and wondering where time went.  Of course, a big part of that is because he starts preschool tomorrow morning.   I cut his hair for school - I didn't think he could see with it the way it was.  Clips didn't stay in his hair, it didn't stay behind his ear... it just hung over his eyes and he didn't really even push it away much.  

This morning I asked him - 'do you want to get your hair cut, or do you want to leave it long?'  I didn't put the cut second, because sometimes toddlers just default to the second choice.  He said he wanted it cut.  So we went out to Kids Cuts and he picked out a car to sit in and watched Thomas the Train and after less than half an hour it was done.  I got teary, but he didn't even seem to notice.  

I did save a couple of his locks of hair.

Also - I got back on Parlodel today.  It's time to think about a second baby, so it's also time to get the prolactin under control.  Change is in the air.

I think I've been trying to ignore the fact that Erika (my closest friend in the mom's group) and her family are moving out of town.  Even though I've known for a month that it was definite, and they were trying to find a house even earlier than that.  Even though there was a going away party for her last weekend.  Even though we went out together last night to 'celebrate' her last night.  I feel like I've been waiting for a last minute governor reprieve.  I've been wishing that she'd say 'this is a crazy plan, I don't want to leave my friends and start all over'.  But it's after 7 on moving day and I haven't gotten a call saying that the whole thing was called off.  (insert huge, melodramatic sigh here)

It really hit me this afternoon when Tai woke up from his nap and I couldn't think of anything fun for the two of us to do.  He didn't feel like going out, I didn't feel like staying in - but even less like dealing with the tantrum that would come with forcing him to go out (and have fun at the playground - oh the horror!).  Usually in this instance I would text Erika and say 'Hey, what are you guys doing?  Want to come over?'  Then either we'd get together at the playground or one of our houses (with cocktails!) or we could both whine at each other about the hard parts of having a two-year-old and by the time I got off the phone I'd feel better.

But when I thought about picking up my phone, I knew they were in the middle of their move.  Either they are driving away (hopefully) or still loading the truck. Either way, our days of random 'help me I'm going crazy' breaks are over.  Fortunately she's not leaving the state - she's just going up to Nevada City, which is about two and a half hours away.  They are coming to stay with us for a night in a week for a birthday party.  We're going to plan more camping trips and visits.  But it won't be the same.

I know Tai won't really understand where Peter is, yet.  I've told him that he moved, and that we will go on a long long drive to visit him... but I know he's going to miss seeing him at the playground.

A quick Tai and Peter story that I don't think I've told on here before: 

About 6 months ago or so... maybe a bit less... Erika and I were carpooling to the Little Nature Explorers class in Glen Canyon.  The boys were in the back, shrieking in a happy way.  All of a sudden one of them (and I forget which) said, "Dot dot!"  And when they did it, they pointed the first finger of both hands and tapped them in time to the words (easier to see than explain).

This quickly evolved into their own thing.  Tai would say, "Dot dot, Peter!"  and then Peter would say, "Dot dot!"  Or, later, "Dot dot, baby!"  Always with the fingers.  And only ever when they were together, or getting together.  

The last time Peter was coming over to visit, Erika said he was saying "Dot dot, baby!" the whole way here.  I have no idea what it meant, or what made them think of it, but it was adorable.  I am going to miss it.
 

I had a shit week.  Big panic attack last monday night (prompted by Tai throwing up), and ended up spending all day Tuesday and much of the day Wednesday holding myself together by the skin of my teeth.  I'm still working to get it through my head that every parent makes mistakes, and every parent has things that are difficult to handle.  No one can be there for their kid one hundred percent of the time.  I didn't scare Tai, Tom was home and with him... but I felt (and sometimes still feel) like a completely shitty mother who is going to screw up her son either by the mistakes she makes or the genetics she passes down.  I'm getting my head back together, but it was rough.

Tai is doing fine.  I think the vomiting was actually a result of Tom's overzealous tooth brushing and Tai's super-sensitive gag reflex.  He had a bit of a fever a couple of days later, but that was probably teething related.  What was really weird, was on Friday he didn't pee for almost 24 hours.  He was drinking normally, didn't have a fever or anything... just didn't pee.  On the advice of a call-in nurse and the intarwebs, we took him to the pediatric ER - where he got all checked in, then promptly peed in huge amounts - through his diaper, over the gown he was wearing, all over my leg and onto the floor.  They checked him out and he seemed to be fine, but they asked us to bring in a urine sample.  One thing I didn't like - before i knew what was going to happen, while the doctor was checking him out  he retracted Tai's foreskin.  I guess he thought the skin might have covered his urethra, but it seems like that would have been a problem before now.   On the up side, it didn't seem to hurt Tai at all.  The doctor figures he was dehydrated, but I don't know.  We'll see what the results of the urine test are.

Richard and Judy are in town and Tai is having a blast with his Mimi and Popa.  There has been a lot of playground time and general craziness.  He's going to have a hard time when they go, after four days of non-stop attention from at least two people at all times.  But every night, he's wanted me to help him go to sleep.  Not Daddy, not Mimi.  Me.  I have to say, I don't really mind, even when it takes a while.  It gives us a chance to cuddle up together and relax.

Tai is talking up a storm lately, too.  He tells us exactly what he's thinking, what he wants.  Some of his favorite things to say:

"I've got an idea."  When I ask what his idea is about, he says, "Idea's about.... trees (for example, when we were camping)."
"I'm not a monkey (or lamb, or munchkin or whatever pet term someone is using), I'm a boy."
"When I grow up up up, I'm gonna be a football man."

He sings the ABC's all by himself. 

He's mostly sleeping through the night by himself in his own big boy bed (though sometimes he comes to visit us, or needs to sleep with us if he isn't feeling well).  He does like to keep holding my boobies as he falls asleep.

He loves to play "Plants Vs. Zombies" on the iPad.

He loves to sing 'Happy Birthday" to whoever he is thinking of at the time.  Before bed, he says, "Good night sleep tight" to me and daddy and Luna and Cocoa.

He likes to write emails to Ba (my Mom) and Violetta (her dog).  The emails usually say 'happy birthday' and some various noises that are hard to spell, like the sound of a dog panting, or a raspberrying tongue.

He likes to kiss my booboos to make them feel better.

The other day, when he was a little feverish, he sat close to me on the couch and said, "I love you Mama.  I love you.  I love you lots."  Yes, I did melt.

Tai is my sweetest boy - and I am the luckiest Mom in the world to have him.
 

There are about a billion things I want to post about: a particular night out a couple of weeks ago (damn, that long already?!), vegetarianism/veganism, a letter to Tai, a Tai update, and a whine about some craziness that's happening between a neighbor and us.  Instead I'm going to start by tossing my hands in the air and begging to know whether anyone else has wondered if their 2 year old has *totally lost their shit* when they are having a tantrum?

Tai has his five-billionth ear infection of the year.  I thought it might have been, last week but when I took him in on Tuesday, they said no.  Then this weekend his eardrum ruptured and leaked disgustingness all over his hair, cheek and neck.  It kept leaking (though more slowly) the rest of the weekend.  I can handle bodily fluid (well, except vomit, of course) but this totally grossed me out.  Monday morning I called the pediatrician and they said bring him in.  I also had to drive Brogan and Des (Tom's dad and his husband who were visiting from San Diego) to the airport.  So, being the horrible Mom that I am, I put on Tai's shirt and shoes.  This is where the tantrum began.  He took a break for the 10 minutes he shared a McDonald's hashbrown with me, and the 20 minutes he slept on the way from the airport to the pediatrician's office - but other than that?  Tantrum.  Screaming, crying, thrashing full-out losing his mind.  He freaked out on the walk from the parking garage to the doctor's office.  In the waiting room.  In the exam room.  Through the doctor's exam (where he completely flummoxed her by saying 'I want an ouchie!'  when she told him there wouldn't be any ouchies.  She said she'd never had a kid ask her for a shot before.) , through the walk back to the stairs (because I was avoiding the elevator), through the lobby and out the door and to the car and the whole way home.  Over an hour, all told.  He was thrashing around so much when I was carrying him out that I could barely keep from dropping him.  Everyone was staring.  I was blushing.

Nothing helped.  Distraction, ignoring him, singing to him, offering stories, offering the iPad, offering a drink or food, rocking, hugging, not touching, rubbing his hair, stepping away, staying close, counting.  The doctor offered stickers and to play with her light - both of which he usually loves.  No go.  I will admit that at one point I considered slapping him because I was beginning to think he was hysterical - but I didn't because I wasn't sure it would help, but more because I wasn't sure it wouldn't just be a frustration outlet for me and I knew that would not be good.

He cried because he wanted to go home, then when we left he wanted to 'play at the doctor's house'.  He wanted an 'ouchie' and when the doctor found him a sticker that said 'ouch' he threw it on the floor.  It was total inability to be soothed.  I felt exhausted by the end of the day, because he had two more tantrums - though they were both much shorter, and no nap.  I felt horrible for him, because I'm pretty sure it was his ear (though Motrin didn't help)... but it was hard to hold to my equanimity.  

Fortunately today the drops and antibiotic seem to have helped a lot.  The  drops have both pain relief and antibiotic in them, so I think that helps his ear a lot.  I managed to get him down for a nap, though I had to wake him up.  He had another meltdown because I was taking him to play with a friend (so I could have my Toddler Break) and I felt shitty.  He was like, 'no Paxton!  Stay home, please!'  Just begging and begging.  But then Yvette offered him mango and all was right with the world.  His last tantrum was because I went to take him home and he didn't want to leave.  *sigh*.  Just can't win.

Hopefully tomorrow will be even better.  But if not - anyone have any suggestions?  Besides some Valium and wine for Mama?