Seeking Samadhi

I had a shit week.  Big panic attack last monday night (prompted by Tai throwing up), and ended up spending all day Tuesday and much of the day Wednesday holding myself together by the skin of my teeth.  I'm still working to get it through my head that every parent makes mistakes, and every parent has things that are difficult to handle.  No one can be there for their kid one hundred percent of the time.  I didn't scare Tai, Tom was home and with him... but I felt (and sometimes still feel) like a completely shitty mother who is going to screw up her son either by the mistakes she makes or the genetics she passes down.  I'm getting my head back together, but it was rough.

Tai is doing fine.  I think the vomiting was actually a result of Tom's overzealous tooth brushing and Tai's super-sensitive gag reflex.  He had a bit of a fever a couple of days later, but that was probably teething related.  What was really weird, was on Friday he didn't pee for almost 24 hours.  He was drinking normally, didn't have a fever or anything... just didn't pee.  On the advice of a call-in nurse and the intarwebs, we took him to the pediatric ER - where he got all checked in, then promptly peed in huge amounts - through his diaper, over the gown he was wearing, all over my leg and onto the floor.  They checked him out and he seemed to be fine, but they asked us to bring in a urine sample.  One thing I didn't like - before i knew what was going to happen, while the doctor was checking him out  he retracted Tai's foreskin.  I guess he thought the skin might have covered his urethra, but it seems like that would have been a problem before now.   On the up side, it didn't seem to hurt Tai at all.  The doctor figures he was dehydrated, but I don't know.  We'll see what the results of the urine test are.

Richard and Judy are in town and Tai is having a blast with his Mimi and Popa.  There has been a lot of playground time and general craziness.  He's going to have a hard time when they go, after four days of non-stop attention from at least two people at all times.  But every night, he's wanted me to help him go to sleep.  Not Daddy, not Mimi.  Me.  I have to say, I don't really mind, even when it takes a while.  It gives us a chance to cuddle up together and relax.

Tai is talking up a storm lately, too.  He tells us exactly what he's thinking, what he wants.  Some of his favorite things to say:

"I've got an idea."  When I ask what his idea is about, he says, "Idea's about.... trees (for example, when we were camping)."
"I'm not a monkey (or lamb, or munchkin or whatever pet term someone is using), I'm a boy."
"When I grow up up up, I'm gonna be a football man."

He sings the ABC's all by himself. 

He's mostly sleeping through the night by himself in his own big boy bed (though sometimes he comes to visit us, or needs to sleep with us if he isn't feeling well).  He does like to keep holding my boobies as he falls asleep.

He loves to play "Plants Vs. Zombies" on the iPad.

He loves to sing 'Happy Birthday" to whoever he is thinking of at the time.  Before bed, he says, "Good night sleep tight" to me and daddy and Luna and Cocoa.

He likes to write emails to Ba (my Mom) and Violetta (her dog).  The emails usually say 'happy birthday' and some various noises that are hard to spell, like the sound of a dog panting, or a raspberrying tongue.

He likes to kiss my booboos to make them feel better.

The other day, when he was a little feverish, he sat close to me on the couch and said, "I love you Mama.  I love you.  I love you lots."  Yes, I did melt.

Tai is my sweetest boy - and I am the luckiest Mom in the world to have him.
 

We're having another rough sleep patch lately. Something needs to change, but I'm not sure what that will be. I still think co-sleeping is good for us (all of us), and I'm not ready to night wean yet, and I'm not so much into cry it out. Oddly enough, it's hard to think creatively when one isn't sleeping.

Last night we went to bed at 11. Tai nursed until 12, when I finally said enough because I needed to sleep. We went around about it until 1 with much whining and crying (mostly on Tai's part) until I tried taking him to the bathroom just to break the monotony (and he seemed to indicate that he wanted to go). After that he decided it was play time and he partied until 2. It was a rough day for Mama, only made better by much caffeine. Tai, however, took a 2.5 hour nap (!) this morning and was in a good mood the rest of the day.

I don't know what's going on - he might be teething. He might have a cold (he's pretty snotty and coughing, but the snot has been going on for two weeks now). No fever or anything else. I just wish we could go back to our usual routine of five minute wake-ups every few hours.

In an effort to give us both something to do this afternoon, since he wouldn't be napping any more and I was sleep-deprived - I decided to head out to the Botanical Gardens. We spent a little over an hour wandering around. Tai liked that he could just wander where-ever he wanted without me steering.

We saw some wildlife - 2 turtles (one sunning, one swimming), 2 geese, 2 ducks, several tiny fish, several gulls and about a million squirrels. Tai wanted to touch all of them, and was bummed that I wouldn't let him.

After our park wander, we headed to Starbucks for my second shot of caffeine of the day. Tai had a box of apple juice - his first juice box! He enjoyed it even more than the donut I shared with him. I tried for the library after that (assuming he'd doze in the stroller) but didn't have any luck. Even after all the walking he'd done, he still didn't want to be confined.

We'll ignore the fact that he barfed down the front of my shirt while I was nursing him this evening. (I'm pretty sure it was phlegm gagging, but whatever the deal, I smell like baby-hork, even after cleaning up and changing shirts.)

Even though I'm tired, I am still enjoying this motherhood trip. To be totally trite - I'm not loving every minute, but pretty much every other minute. It's the hardest job I'll ever love.

Today was a big day. After an anxious night wherein Tai got sick (on my arm and his jammies: yummy), I was hoping he'd take good naps. No such luck. He had the normal morning nap, but he absolutely refused to take an afternoon nap, no matter how long I rocked or nursed.

Since Tom was working on the house, I had no break if Tai skipped his nap. I was fit to be tied. Finally Tom offered to take a break and give me an hour. While I waited for him to clean up, I tried to interest Tai in a game other than stand at the gate and whine for Daddy.

Sitting a few feet from the gate, I called Tai. He turned to look at me and let go of the gate, standing on his own. I called again and he walked three steps to me! I cheered, then backed up a bit and he did it again. I was thrilled!

I told Tom he'd walked and Tom hurried in to see. We sat a little way from each other and Tai walked between us, to much cheering. (I think he was just glad to have momma stop clenching her teeth and grumping at daddy.)

He walked and walked until he could barely keep his balance, he was so tired; then we made him do it for Grandma.

I called dad to share the news and he said, "it's all over now - he's all over now."

Enjoy a video! 

 

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Over the last couple of days Tai has added some fun new behaviors to his falling asleep at night routine.  He gets so tired, but resists sleep.  He shakes his head and squirms and flails... and now he screams.  This is not play shrieking, this is not baby crying.  This is temper tantrum screaming.  It took me aback when he first started doing it.  It still makes the hair stand up on the back of my neck.  I am trying to hold to Lisa's mantras - "This too shall pass" and "He's fine."  Especially the second part.  Sometimes I get this vague worry that Tai's having a seizure when he's doing his 'I will not sleep' dance.  This is not helped by Tom saying, "Are you sure babies do this?  Isn't it an autistic thing?"  Thanks, way to keep me from overreacting.

Tonight Tai was in my arms (after wearing Tom out), screaming away, when suddenly something struck me funny and I cracked up.  He stopped mid-scream and looked at me.  I laughed again.  He smiled.  The freak-out was averted, for the moment.  I'm not sure whether this will ever work again, but it was great tonight.

Poor Tai just doesn't like to sleep.  He has started napping a bit, though.  I tend to get an hour in the morning, an hour in the early afternoon.... and then, just the past few days he's been falling asleep for an hour around 5.  I think this may be part of the problem in terms of getting him to sleep in the evening.  I have the "Healthy Sleep Habits" book, but I still haven't read it.  Maybe it can help by osmosis?

I cannot believe he's almost 6 months old.