Seeking Samadhi

Yesterday was my first OB appointment - well, technically I was meeting with a CNM - at UCSF.  I made the appointment weeks ago, but yesterday was the first appointment suggested.  It was funny...  I had been looking forward to the appointment for ages.  But as it got closer, I started getting a little worried.  Like, maybe I wasn't really pregnant.  Or maybe I had miscarried and I didn't know about it.  I almost didn't want to go, because I didn't want to know.  I had almost convinced myself that I had miscarried.  

Tom came with me, even though he ended up missing an important meeting at work.  (It had been canceled, then rescheduled.)  It was good to have him there, even though he was on his iPhone the whole time we were waiting.  (That sorta goes without saying, though.)  We did all the boring stuff first - medical history, talked about the practice, weight, etc.  Then she brought in a little ultrasound machine, and it was time for what we'd been waiting for.

It took a minute - she found my uterus, and the little guppy.  But at first she didn't see the heart.  I squeezed shut my eyes and prayed.  Which means I missed it when she said that the baby was moving all around.  Then she found the heartbeat, and I got to see the guppy for a minute.  No pictures yet, but that's okay.  The little one is swimming in there and I am happy.  As far as we can know, all is well.

I'm still tired.  Tai was home from school today - he got pinkeye yesterday afternoon and the school called me to pick him up.  Even though the doctor said he wouldn't be contagious after two treatments, they didn't want him back for 24 hours.  So we had a good day together - bummed around the neighborhood, played basketball in our backyard, played with trains.  Went to the playground after his nap.  I napped with him - both of us slept for more than three hours.  And even though it's only 10:30, I am about ready for bed.

Poor kid was having a rough night last night, too.  He came to bed with us around 1, but was so restless neither he nor I could really sleep.  He kept saying 'no, no' and thrashing around.  Finally he started crying and said his head and throat and mouth hurt.  I gave him some tylenol and we rocked for about 20 minutes.  Fortunately we both went to sleep around 2:30 and slept until almost 7.  I think he's feeling better tonight, but if he starts crying about a sore throat tonight, I might make another pediatrician appointment.  Strep has been going around his school.  I know he likes school, and it's good for him, and he can catch stuff at the playground too... but damn!  The petri-dish effect of preschool is brutal.

Fortunately the queasiness has backed off some.  It was never bad - but I had several good days in a row.  Today was a little rougher, but still not bad.

I can't wait until I feel the baby move.  And to find out whether guppy is a boy or a girl.  Impatience!

t's been a tough day.  I am hoping that tomorrow is better.

( Tai sickness whine )

I was talking with twirlgrrl online tonight, and we got on the topic of faults.  I said that I wish I could pick mine.  Or, more accurately, trade in a fault for one I'd prefer.  The fault?  My overactive anxiety.  I almost wish I would have *any* other fault, but then decided that I could end up as 'too selfish to be a good mom'.  It's so fucking hard to be there for Tai when I am falling to pieces.  I just sat with him on the couch and while he watched Zoboomafoo, I told myself over and over that *I* am the adult, and I need to suck it up and be calm.  This is a moment of my life, it is not the rest of my days.  Tai will feel better, I will calm down.  Even if I get sick, it will pass.

I also reminded myself of something I realized in therapy last week.  I was talking with Wendy about having another kid, and how one of the main reasons I worried about having kids was because I would be more anxious about stomach flu.  What suddenly realized was that I will be anxious anyway - I could either be anxious with kids, or without.  With kids I get all of the amazing joy, without - I would miss that experience.

How could I miss this?  How could I let the phobia keep me from such love?  Even when Tai is sick, he is so sweet.  He says he loves me, and cuddles, and hugs me.  He sings "Happy Birthday" to me, because my birthday is coming soon.  (In February, heh.)  He teases me and when he smiles, it's impossible not to feel better myself.

I still feel edgy and uncomfortable, but I am going to keep it together.  I might not be able to trade away this anxiety, but I do not have to let it run my life.   Or Tai's life.  I will *not* let it hurt him.

A couple of tiny funny moments:

When I asked him about school last week, he said, "The teacher didn't tell anybody to learn anything." 

On Sunday Tom and Tai were working on a house project upstairs - rebuilding a closet upstairs.  From the livingroom, where I am writing, I hear:

Tom: "I'm going to show you how to use something.  It's called a nail gun." 
Tai:  "What's a nail gun?"

My thoughts  Nail gun + toddler = disaster.  Why show him how to use a nail gun?  At least Tom told him that he can only use it with Daddy or Mommy. 

There are about a billion things I want to post about: a particular night out a couple of weeks ago (damn, that long already?!), vegetarianism/veganism, a letter to Tai, a Tai update, and a whine about some craziness that's happening between a neighbor and us.  Instead I'm going to start by tossing my hands in the air and begging to know whether anyone else has wondered if their 2 year old has *totally lost their shit* when they are having a tantrum?

Tai has his five-billionth ear infection of the year.  I thought it might have been, last week but when I took him in on Tuesday, they said no.  Then this weekend his eardrum ruptured and leaked disgustingness all over his hair, cheek and neck.  It kept leaking (though more slowly) the rest of the weekend.  I can handle bodily fluid (well, except vomit, of course) but this totally grossed me out.  Monday morning I called the pediatrician and they said bring him in.  I also had to drive Brogan and Des (Tom's dad and his husband who were visiting from San Diego) to the airport.  So, being the horrible Mom that I am, I put on Tai's shirt and shoes.  This is where the tantrum began.  He took a break for the 10 minutes he shared a McDonald's hashbrown with me, and the 20 minutes he slept on the way from the airport to the pediatrician's office - but other than that?  Tantrum.  Screaming, crying, thrashing full-out losing his mind.  He freaked out on the walk from the parking garage to the doctor's office.  In the waiting room.  In the exam room.  Through the doctor's exam (where he completely flummoxed her by saying 'I want an ouchie!'  when she told him there wouldn't be any ouchies.  She said she'd never had a kid ask her for a shot before.) , through the walk back to the stairs (because I was avoiding the elevator), through the lobby and out the door and to the car and the whole way home.  Over an hour, all told.  He was thrashing around so much when I was carrying him out that I could barely keep from dropping him.  Everyone was staring.  I was blushing.

Nothing helped.  Distraction, ignoring him, singing to him, offering stories, offering the iPad, offering a drink or food, rocking, hugging, not touching, rubbing his hair, stepping away, staying close, counting.  The doctor offered stickers and to play with her light - both of which he usually loves.  No go.  I will admit that at one point I considered slapping him because I was beginning to think he was hysterical - but I didn't because I wasn't sure it would help, but more because I wasn't sure it wouldn't just be a frustration outlet for me and I knew that would not be good.

He cried because he wanted to go home, then when we left he wanted to 'play at the doctor's house'.  He wanted an 'ouchie' and when the doctor found him a sticker that said 'ouch' he threw it on the floor.  It was total inability to be soothed.  I felt exhausted by the end of the day, because he had two more tantrums - though they were both much shorter, and no nap.  I felt horrible for him, because I'm pretty sure it was his ear (though Motrin didn't help)... but it was hard to hold to my equanimity.  

Fortunately today the drops and antibiotic seem to have helped a lot.  The  drops have both pain relief and antibiotic in them, so I think that helps his ear a lot.  I managed to get him down for a nap, though I had to wake him up.  He had another meltdown because I was taking him to play with a friend (so I could have my Toddler Break) and I felt shitty.  He was like, 'no Paxton!  Stay home, please!'  Just begging and begging.  But then Yvette offered him mango and all was right with the world.  His last tantrum was because I went to take him home and he didn't want to leave.  *sigh*.  Just can't win.

Hopefully tomorrow will be even better.  But if not - anyone have any suggestions?  Besides some Valium and wine for Mama?
 

 Dear Tai,

Going back and reading a couple of your letters, I discovered that you were sick just two months ago.  Poor kidlet, you're sick again.  Everyone tells me that this will give you a good immune system, but it's just so sad to see you feeling not yourself.  I miss your smile!  You woke up late last night with a fever and you spent the day on the couch with Daddy.  You slept a lot, barely ate, barely played.  We're hoping you don't have the Hamthrax.  It's possible you are having a reaction from the vaccines you had over the week.

We went to meet a new doctor this week - Dr. Breder.  Even though we love Dr. Treece, I was looking for a practice that didn't feel quite so rushed.  So we were behind on your Well Baby visits and on your vaccines.  You're growing like a Magic Beanstalk!  You are 35 3/4 inches tall - almost three whole feet.  You weigh 34 pounds and 12 oz.  Your head is 20 1/4 inches.  You're in the 97th percentile for weight and head size and the 95th for height.  You're going to take after your Daddy and be tall.  I think you liked the new doctor, though she wasn't as funny as Dr. Treece.

You're almost two years old.  You're getting to be such a real person, an individual.  Your Grandma says she really likes the video of you dancing at the Bernal Fiesta on the Hill this year, because the way you move, the way you hold your hands shows some of who you are becoming.  It's not me, or Tom - it's you.  I am enjoying getting to see more of that.  You are a social animal - you party late into the night, you love to hang out with other kids.  When we were at the aquarium last week Matteus (one of the other kids from the Mom's Group) was running and tripped and fell.  You were chasing him, and when he fell, you copied him.  Erika and I cracked up, and from that time on you set out to impress us by your falling skills.  You looked like a little Break Dancer.  Later, you held Matteus's hand as you walked through the museum.  You love to play with all of the kids in the Mom's Group, but Dottie is still your favorite.  When you see her on the street you call out to her "Dottie!"  and then you copy each other, and flirt and laugh.

I'm looking to find a good preschool for you, because you need more stimulation and socialization than I can give you with visits to the playground and our every-couple-of-weeks Mom's Group.  We've gone to two, so far.  One tour, one open house.  Both times you were quite content to explore the classrooms and play with their toys.  You watched the other kids, and joined them.  While you did include me in your play a few times, I think you're going to enjoy the experience.  I'm looking forward to watching you make new friends, learn new things, and join more of the world on your own.

You're talking more and more.  When I asked Grandma to tell her what Peter did when he visited our house, you said, "Peter play cars."  You love your matchbox cars, and 'play cars, Mama.  Play cars, Daddy' is a frequent refrain around the house.  You are learning to count and can get most of the way to 10 by yourself.  When I sing, you often join in on some of the words.  Your favorites are "Twinkle, twinkle" and "Baa Baa Black Sheep".  You also love when I sing, "I love you, a bushel and a peck", especially when I add your name to the end of the song.  That cracks you up.  Just lately you've taken to gasping in surprise when you see something interesting, like the moon or an airplane.  You like Grandma's birdies almost more than her dogs, and you love to feed Lucky and Pickle seeds.

Even on the tough days, I'm loving this adventure we're on together.  You are my boy and I am lucky to be your Mommy.

Love,
Mommy

Dear Tai,

I wish I were better when you are sick.  I take good care of you, I hold you and cuddle you.  I give you medicine if you need it, juice and water and what food you want.  I nurse you if it doesn't make you gag and you want it.  But I can't make you feel better and I wish with all of my heart that I could.  It hurts to see you feeling so poorly.  Your smile and exuberance are totally gone.  You just want to lay on the couch with me or Daddy and watch TV.  When you're healthy you don't want to sit still for even a whole episode of Sesame Street. 

Your Mimi and Popa and your Uncle Andrew visited you this past weekend.  Even though Andrew was sick, you had such a good time with him.  Unlike your Daddy and me, he loves sports and you both spent some good time watching 'ut-baw' (or foot-ball).  He couldn't even go to the bathroom without you saying 'An-doo, An-doo.'  Your Mimi loved to draw with you, and your Popa had the best time going down the slide with you.  You impressed them with your words and your running and your love of eating (especially olives).  None of them could believe how much you've grown up, just since June.  They had to search out a real 'ba-ket-baw' (basketball) for you, and you love it.  

I can't believe how much you've grown myself.  You are saying two and three word 'sentences'.  You talk about 'boo eyes' and 'boo shoes' and you can ask for juice by name.  You ask to use the drinking fountain by making slurp, slurp sounds.  You know several colors pretty well, and you can almost say 'orange'.  You love riding in the truck with Daddy, and when you both took a trip to Ikea you didn't stop saying 'tuck' until you hit Oakland.  You like to echo the last couple of words of what we're saying, and it's inspired me to start cleaning up my language.  

You have been growing impatient with Story time, but you still love to sing along and dance.  You are starting to play with other kids, like Talya and Dottie.  You have a great time running and laughing with Dottie.  Balls are still your favorite - throwing, kicking, trying to catch.  If anyone, anywhere has a ball, you want to participate.  You want to read stories every night and during potty time.  Your favorite books are about Wibbly Pig and Winnie the Pooh, though you still love your dog books.  And 'Runaway Bunny' has been a very popular potty pick as well. 

Sometimes I wish I could be a better mom - when I'm overly anxious, or short-tempered, or irritable.  I know no one is perfect, but I've been more off than usual lately and I wish that you didn't have to be a part of that.  I'm going to try to get things back to a more stable place, but I hope you'll forgive me for the mistakes I make.

I do love you.  Always.  Don't forget that.

~ Your Mommy

We're having another rough sleep patch lately. Something needs to change, but I'm not sure what that will be. I still think co-sleeping is good for us (all of us), and I'm not ready to night wean yet, and I'm not so much into cry it out. Oddly enough, it's hard to think creatively when one isn't sleeping.

Last night we went to bed at 11. Tai nursed until 12, when I finally said enough because I needed to sleep. We went around about it until 1 with much whining and crying (mostly on Tai's part) until I tried taking him to the bathroom just to break the monotony (and he seemed to indicate that he wanted to go). After that he decided it was play time and he partied until 2. It was a rough day for Mama, only made better by much caffeine. Tai, however, took a 2.5 hour nap (!) this morning and was in a good mood the rest of the day.

I don't know what's going on - he might be teething. He might have a cold (he's pretty snotty and coughing, but the snot has been going on for two weeks now). No fever or anything else. I just wish we could go back to our usual routine of five minute wake-ups every few hours.

In an effort to give us both something to do this afternoon, since he wouldn't be napping any more and I was sleep-deprived - I decided to head out to the Botanical Gardens. We spent a little over an hour wandering around. Tai liked that he could just wander where-ever he wanted without me steering.

We saw some wildlife - 2 turtles (one sunning, one swimming), 2 geese, 2 ducks, several tiny fish, several gulls and about a million squirrels. Tai wanted to touch all of them, and was bummed that I wouldn't let him.

After our park wander, we headed to Starbucks for my second shot of caffeine of the day. Tai had a box of apple juice - his first juice box! He enjoyed it even more than the donut I shared with him. I tried for the library after that (assuming he'd doze in the stroller) but didn't have any luck. Even after all the walking he'd done, he still didn't want to be confined.

We'll ignore the fact that he barfed down the front of my shirt while I was nursing him this evening. (I'm pretty sure it was phlegm gagging, but whatever the deal, I smell like baby-hork, even after cleaning up and changing shirts.)

Even though I'm tired, I am still enjoying this motherhood trip. To be totally trite - I'm not loving every minute, but pretty much every other minute. It's the hardest job I'll ever love.

Poor Tai.  Last night Tai was wanting to nurse a lot, again.  Sometime around 2am I finally said enough and went to rub his head to help soothe him instead.  His head was warm.  Not too hot, but definitely fever warm.  I hadn't exactly expected it, but he hadn't eaten much during the day - which is unusual for him - and Tom said he barely drank any of his bottle before bed, which is also rare.  Poor kidlet - he woke up with a fever and clearly felt like crap all day.  No other symptoms - except for the crying, drooling, hand biting and very little eating.  At least he nursed and had a bit of cheese and half of a cracker.  And some water.  Yum!

But it was a day of holding Tai.  He only played for half an hour or so, and spent the rest of the time on my lap.  We watched a lot of television and had a couple of naps.  Tylenol seemed to help some.  I'm just worried that he might have an ear infection or something important.  There were several times where he really started crying and it took quite a while to console him.  He sounded like he was really hurting - I just wish I could tell where!  If it happens again tomorrow, I might take him to see Dr. Treece.

I really really hope he's feeling better tomorrow, because it was a long day today.  I think I got butt rot from sitting in one place.  And it's so difficult to not be able to make him feel better.  He couldn't even nurse every time because it made him gag.  Poor kid.

In an effor to balance the whiny nature of the post - here are 5 things I'm grateful for, in no particular order.  Partially inspired by Schmutzie.

1. Good mama friends
2. Tom giving me a break in the evening
3. Wine
4. Thin Mints
5. Television

It's strange - I sit down in the coffee-shop with a cup of coffee and a bagel and my notebook.  I eat and then open the notebook, begin to scribble down something - a scene, a chapter, a bit of my novel.  But my heart wanders.   I hear a child in line crying.  The cry doesn't sound like Tai and I know he's with Tom, but the longer the child cries the less sure I am.  Is it Tai?  Does he need me?  He's sick, he could be feeling really badly.  He could want his momma.  I text Tom - they are still at the park.  Whoever is crying, it has nothing to do with me.  I try to write again.

As I pause to consider my next word, the next sentence, my eyes catch the title of a kids' book across the room.  "The Legend of Sleeping Bear".  I am surprised - one doesn't often come across a book about a Michigan sand dune in a cafe in California.  Is that what this book is?  Vaguely remembering the legend from my many childhood trips to Traverse City and northern Michigan, I pull it out and read.  Though I'm not one to cry at the drop of a hat (at least, as long as I'm neither on my period or pregnant), the story brings tears to my eyes.

A mama bear and her two beloved cubs live happily in a forest in Wisconsin.  One day there is a forest fire and they must flee.  The only path to safety is to cross Lake Michigan.  They begin to swim.  They swim all night - the mama bear tries to encourage her cubs, to keep an eye on them.  But in the middle of the night she loses sight of them.  Come morning, they are gone.  She crawls ashore, alone, and climbs atop a hill to watch for their return.  There she sits for a year and longer.  They do not come.  She is slowly covered with sand.  Then the Great Spirit, moved by her sadness and love, brings the cubs closer - two tiny islands in the lake nearby and so they are reunited.

I can imagine her desperation and desolation all too well.  And part of me understands that were I to lose Tai, my heart would always wait for him to be returned to me.  Sitting and waiting until it would be covered with sand.

I am not good with things out of my control. With magic thinking and oblique wording, I attempt to control things that are out of my hands.  I try to bend the world to my will.  I just want to make it all better, to keep people happy and well.  To keep those I love safe.  I know I can't and sometimes it drives me crazy and sometimes it makes me cry.  When I got pregnant, I didn't know it would be like this.  But, now that Tai is with me, I wouldn't want it any other way.

As you can see from the picture, the kidlet is still sick.  He woke up this morning with a temp of 102.3 under the arm.  I gave him Tylenol and he fell back to sleep.  Fortunately he slept until almost 11.  When he woke up his temp was down.  The dude is just not himself, though.  He's quiet and subdued.  He barely flirted with Grandma and Grandpa McGee (who is visiting).  He doesn't play much and whines much more than usual.  He's sneezy and snotty and coughing.

I took him to see Dr. Treece yesterday to have his lungs listened to and his oxygen saturation checked and everything was normal in those regards.  He's just got a virus.  He did manage to flirt with both Dr. Treece and his med student, doing his best 'I haven't been sick in ages' impression to make me look like a silly first time Mom.  Dr Treece totally made me laugh, though... and said I did the exact right thing by bringing him in.  I got a script for steroids if Tai's cough gets much worse, but so far we haven't needed it.

On the up side, for the first time since Tom got back on Sunday (and Tai got sick) Tai was happy to have Dad hold him.  I'm pleased about this because it's been all Mommy all the time and I'm under the weather too.  Sadly, Mommy's don't get as much whining time.

He took a three hour nap this afternoon and sacked out on Dad's lap tonight so I'm hoping that the extra sleep will have him back to himself soon.  It's so hard to see him feeling bad when I can't just make it better.  I'm looking forward to having him back crawling into everything, jabbering away about bababa mamama.  (we're still working on o-ba-ma.)