Seeking Samadhi

Dear Tai,

I am so far behind on my letters to you.  I hope that you know that I love you, more than these letters can tell you.  After all, it's better to be spending time together than just writing about it, right?  

We have been having some fabulous days together lately.  You are talking up a storm.  After a period of some weeks where the big question was 'what's that', even when you knew exactly 'what that' was, you're into the 'why's.  Sometimes we get into an endless string of 'why' wherein I try to answer until I run out of answers, try asking what you think, then you just ask me again.  Daddy reminds you that it's always good to ask questions, because that's how one learns.  And you are learning things faster than I would ever believe.  Daddy keeps pointing out that you are a sieve (meaning, of course, sponge - but Daddy gets confused), and this is true.  I have to keep my language cleaned up!

You were visiting Etienne and Angela a week ago, and Angela says you and Etienne had a whole conversation together, just the two of you.  You were playing with playdough, and talking about what you were doing.  I think this may be the first time that you had a whole conversation with another kid your age without any input from a parent.

You process everything.  You've been pretending to fall down and cry, then get a kiss and hug from me, and when I suggested that you don't need to be hurt for a kiss and a hug from me, you repeated what I said slowly, as you thought about it.  Today you came running in to me in the kitchen and asked for a hug and kiss.  I was more than happy to give you one.  The other week you were at Ba's house (We finally realized this came from how you say 'grandma' which is 'bahma'.  So yes, 'ba'.) and you both were talking about Daddy and his job.  You'd just visited his office in Cupertino.  Ba asked if you knew where he worked, and you said 'Apple'.  Then you said, "I eat apples".  Ba said yes, but this is a different Apple.  At this Apple, they make iPods and iPhones and iPads.  You considered, then said 'Some apples make ipods and some apples make iphones..." 

You are learning about feelings.  When you knock over and throw around all of my freshly folded laundry and I scowl and get angry you ask whether I'm happy.  You apologize and then ask again whether I'm happy.  When we are drawing on the chalk board, and I draw a sad face, you erase the mouth and ask me to 'make him happy'.  When you are falling asleep in your bed, you say that you're going to hold Hey Bun Bun in case you get lonely.  (Then follow up by pointing out that coming to my bed will keep you from being lonely too.  That I keep you company in bed and Daddy keeps me company.  Yes, that we do.)

You've been having a harder time staying in your big boy bed lately.  You sleep alone until around 2am, then come to bed with Daddy and me.  I don't mind so much because you just curl up and fall asleep.  You like to share my pillow, wanting me close to you.  You also like to sleep on the outside of the bed, rather than the middle, which means you've fallen out of bed a couple of times.  However, this doesn't keep you from sleeping there again later.

In the last week, you've been wearing underwear all day, every day.  You've had 7 days of dryness in a row!  I am so proud of you.  Last Friday we were at the bookstore and you asked to go potty, right in the middle of looking at books.  The next day you chose underwear instead of a diaper and we haven't looked back.  

Your favorite books in the past few weeks are: Green Eggs and Ham, where you always close your eyes and turn your head when the narrator is about to try the green eggs and ham, just before he says he likes it; Moo Who?, about a cow named Hilda Mae Heifer who gets hit in the noggin with a cow pie and loses her moo, which you already know some of the words; Tadpoles, about a little girl who gets a baby brother and would rather have a frog - and learns about frogs growing up as her baby brother grows up too - you love to see the frogs; Snuggle Puppy by Sandra Boyton - which you love me to sing, but not to kiss you at the kiss parts; and Wrapped in my Love - about a puppy named Snoozer, who hears strange noises in the night and is afraid until his parents reassure him, and you already know most of this book by heart.

I want to say here that there have been some tough patches lately, and I've been a little more short-tempered, a little less patient, and a little less available for you than I have been.  I'm sorry about that.  I want you to know that is not your fault.  I'm going to do better.  It never means I don't love you.

I do love you, with my whole entire being.  You are my favorite big boy.

Love always,
Your Mommy
 

I had a shit week.  Big panic attack last monday night (prompted by Tai throwing up), and ended up spending all day Tuesday and much of the day Wednesday holding myself together by the skin of my teeth.  I'm still working to get it through my head that every parent makes mistakes, and every parent has things that are difficult to handle.  No one can be there for their kid one hundred percent of the time.  I didn't scare Tai, Tom was home and with him... but I felt (and sometimes still feel) like a completely shitty mother who is going to screw up her son either by the mistakes she makes or the genetics she passes down.  I'm getting my head back together, but it was rough.

Tai is doing fine.  I think the vomiting was actually a result of Tom's overzealous tooth brushing and Tai's super-sensitive gag reflex.  He had a bit of a fever a couple of days later, but that was probably teething related.  What was really weird, was on Friday he didn't pee for almost 24 hours.  He was drinking normally, didn't have a fever or anything... just didn't pee.  On the advice of a call-in nurse and the intarwebs, we took him to the pediatric ER - where he got all checked in, then promptly peed in huge amounts - through his diaper, over the gown he was wearing, all over my leg and onto the floor.  They checked him out and he seemed to be fine, but they asked us to bring in a urine sample.  One thing I didn't like - before i knew what was going to happen, while the doctor was checking him out  he retracted Tai's foreskin.  I guess he thought the skin might have covered his urethra, but it seems like that would have been a problem before now.   On the up side, it didn't seem to hurt Tai at all.  The doctor figures he was dehydrated, but I don't know.  We'll see what the results of the urine test are.

Richard and Judy are in town and Tai is having a blast with his Mimi and Popa.  There has been a lot of playground time and general craziness.  He's going to have a hard time when they go, after four days of non-stop attention from at least two people at all times.  But every night, he's wanted me to help him go to sleep.  Not Daddy, not Mimi.  Me.  I have to say, I don't really mind, even when it takes a while.  It gives us a chance to cuddle up together and relax.

Tai is talking up a storm lately, too.  He tells us exactly what he's thinking, what he wants.  Some of his favorite things to say:

"I've got an idea."  When I ask what his idea is about, he says, "Idea's about.... trees (for example, when we were camping)."
"I'm not a monkey (or lamb, or munchkin or whatever pet term someone is using), I'm a boy."
"When I grow up up up, I'm gonna be a football man."

He sings the ABC's all by himself. 

He's mostly sleeping through the night by himself in his own big boy bed (though sometimes he comes to visit us, or needs to sleep with us if he isn't feeling well).  He does like to keep holding my boobies as he falls asleep.

He loves to play "Plants Vs. Zombies" on the iPad.

He loves to sing 'Happy Birthday" to whoever he is thinking of at the time.  Before bed, he says, "Good night sleep tight" to me and daddy and Luna and Cocoa.

He likes to write emails to Ba (my Mom) and Violetta (her dog).  The emails usually say 'happy birthday' and some various noises that are hard to spell, like the sound of a dog panting, or a raspberrying tongue.

He likes to kiss my booboos to make them feel better.

The other day, when he was a little feverish, he sat close to me on the couch and said, "I love you Mama.  I love you.  I love you lots."  Yes, I did melt.

Tai is my sweetest boy - and I am the luckiest Mom in the world to have him.
 

Poor kidlet, he just doesn't have good luck with the head, apparently especially the left side.  Yesterday we were gardening in our front 'yard'.  He loves to help me lately - vacuuming, laundry (both loading and folding), feeding the dogs, microwaving the food, but especially weeding.  In the past few days, we've probably spent three hours total pulling weeds and getting the gardens ready for planting.  So I was trimming the dead heads and dead branches off the lavender while Tai pulled clover and tossed mulch onto the ground.  We were both standing in the raised bed.  I wasn't worried about him because I'd seen him climb down the step to the ground several times.  I asked a couple of times if he was ready for dinner, but he wanted to stay out and weed longer.  Finally I turned around (maybe to tell him to quit throwing the mulch onto the ground, please!) and saw him lean far over the edge of the ledge and tumble over - head over heels.  I couldn't reach him in time and he landed face-down on the concrete.

We were both freaked out.  I worried that he'd given himself brain damage - while he was more concerned with the scrape over his eyebrow, and under his eye.  Poor kid!  He cried, and I raced him inside for nursing and damage check.  After a quick 'Ask Dr. Sears' web search (where I discovered that a fall under 3 feet is usually okay, even onto hard surfaces) and a freaked out phone call to Tom and my Mom for me - and boobie for him, we were both calmer.  In about 10 minutes he was better and playing happily, so I decided to wait and watch for concussion.  

Tom's response?  'Welcome to being the mother of a boy'.  Sigh.  When Tai and I went out to weed again this evening, I asked what he was trying to do yesterday and he said, 'Reach for mulch'.  Why?  I have no clue.  Today he seems to be just fine, other than looking like he's got a black eye.  (I feel slightly lucky that he got the scrapes, though - that way it doesn't look like I punched him.)

He's such a love, though.  He's talking up a storm - even in his sleep.  In the last week or so, he's talked about Mimi and Popa, begged for bagels, told 'daddy, no' and said something about baseball.  If I could, I might stay awake just to listen to him.  

He's big on finding 'matches', ever since he got some Memory games for his birthday.  He matches colors and patterns.

When Tom got back from China, we were all laying in bed trying to get Tai to nap.  Tai was more interested in counting Daddy's eyes, nose, ears, etc.  He pointed out both of Tom's earrings, then said to me, "I talking to Daddy about earrings."

Over the past week or so, I've been rediscovering how lucky I am.  Tai is fabulous, and I am blessed.

I'm doing my best to indoctrinate Tai into the festivities that are Halloween.  We started watching 'It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown".  We decorated the house with pumpkins, ghosts, witches and bats in the beginning of the month.  We've gone to pumpkin patches, we've checked out decorated houses, we baked pumpkin pie with real pumpkin.  We picked out a costume for him (maybe I'll sew one next year.  When I can actually use a sewing machine for more than hemming a pair of pants).  We're planning a party.

Once in a while he's a little taken aback by something he sees.  Sometimes skeletons freak him out - which I can relate to.  I'm not easily scared by Halloween stuff, but something about skeletons, ones that look realistic, make my skin crawl.  I got a pair of long skeleton earrings when I was a kid - they were plastic, but looked real.  I couldn't wear them.  When mom would get them out for the season, I'd stick them in the back of a drawer and try not to imagine them dancing out of the drawer, bones rattling.  *shudder*  I have tried not to pass the heebie jeebies on to him, but maybe I did, who knows.  He also got freaked out when Steve, on Blue's Clues, dressed up with a green alien hat with tentacles on his fingers.  Personally, I have nothing against tentacles, so that's not my fault.

On the other hand, he *loves* pumpkins, bats, cats, witches, ghosts.  When he sees a ghost, he says, 'boo!'  When he says witch, it sounds more like 'bitch'.  Hee!  Every time he sees a pumpkin he says, 'punkin!  Halweeeen!'

I'm excited for the first holiday that he can really look forward to, and experience.  We'll see what he thinks of everyone in costume.  And trick or treating!

Apparently I didn't avoid Tai's cold after all.  I'm sore-throat, mucus girl this evening.  And I'm tired - though that could be from the rough sleep night last night.  I need to remember to give Tai tylenol before bed since he's still working on his bottom molars.  So, instead of working on my novel pages that are due tomorrow, I'm posting the bits and pieces I've been thinking about for the past few days.

Tai has started saying two words together once in a while.  The other day Tom slept in the guest room (he'd been out drinking and if he comes home late and beer-full he tends to wake me up with insane levels of snoring).  When Tai woke up he wondered where Tom was.  I said we should go find him and called 'Where are you?'  After a minute, Tai echoed me - 'Are you?  Are you?'  Complete with sing-song tone and shrug.  I thought he just copied me, but today he was looking for me and he said, "Mama?  Are you?"  And then I died of the kyute.

He's singing more, and the other day when he started to play with his Little People farm he sang 'e-i-e-i-o' (of Old MacDonald) all of his own volition.

We've been going to Story Time at Red Hill books pretty regularly.  It helps to push his one nap to around midafternoon so neither of us loses our mind before Tom gets home.  And it's fun for him to hang out with other kids and sing songs.  It's hard though - he's so exuberant.  He likes to go right up to the person who is doing the story time and touch their legs or just be close.  He tends to vocalize his excitement and to race back to me, sometimes barreling right through other kids.  On the one hand, I want to teach him appropriate behavior (whatever that is) but I don't want to stifle his enthusiasm or make him feel like he can't be himself.  I want him to have fun, to express his enjoyment.  It is a story hour for kids his age, and usually the people who are leading seem to enjoy his pleasure.  I've spent so much of my life worrying about doing the right thing, acting the right way, fitting in... I don't want him to be stuck with all of that fear.  But I also don't want people to dislike being around him.  I know this push/pull is only going to get more obvious as he gets older and goes to preschool.   

I've also been reading a book about being fat in America, and one of the short essays is about the author who was told she was fat ever since she was three and four.  It stuck with her, the memory of being considered fat and therefore inferior, even from such a young age.  I am not saying Tai is fat - I don't believe he is.  But people often comment about how big he is.  Sure, he's sturdy.  I never worry about him getting run over when he's in a crowd of toddlers.  I do, however, want to avoid too much body commentary, even in ways that seem harmless now.  For example - so many people say 'he's so big!  He's going to be a football player!'  This sounds good enough - but what if he grows up to be average, or smaller than average?  Will he feel like he's not as good because he doesn't have that build?

I want to be aware as I bring Tai up.  I want to help him to feel comfortable in his skin.  It's not a feeling that's easy to come by in our culture.  

Or, technically, 16 months and a week.  Ooops, I'm behind again.  If you're reading these, Tai, I'm sure you aren't surprised because I'm late much more often than I'm on time.  And if I am on time, I usually slide into my seat at the last minute, out of breath, with my hair all crazy.  I suppose it's possible that I might change in time, but I haven't yet.

Dear Tai,

We had your one year checkup today (I am so very behind, and Dr. Treece's office has been slammed!) and I got to see just how much you've grown.  While you aren't off the charts, you are certainly topping them.  Your head circumference is 50cm (19.7 in) and at the 97th percentile.  You weigh 31.25 pounds, which is also at the 97th percentile.  And you are 33.25 inches tall, a none-too-shabby 89th percentile.  Even though I know you have grown (you are no longer swallowed up by your crib, and when you stretch out across my lap to nurse for naps or night you barely fit), I can barely believe you are almost three feet tall already.  It looks like you'll take after your Daddy in height, which is good if you have basketball aspirations.
( long letter is long )

You are my sweetest boy and these words don't do justice to that.  Every day you amaze me.

I love you with all of my heart and that will never change.

Love,
Your Momma