God talk

Jan. 22nd, 2009 11:33 pm
aubreym: Ocean beach at sunset (Default)
[personal profile] aubreym
We'll see if Tai sleeps long enough for me to get this whole post out of my brain and onto the intartubes. (He's been sleeping since 8:30, but he just started crying a couple of minutes ago. Then he stopped. This is unusual - the stopping without someone coming to rock him back down. I'm keeping my fingers crossed and counting it as progress in the sleep department.)

Tonight McGee was in town unexpectedly so he joined Mom, Tai and I at dinner while Tom was out with work-folks drinking many expensive margaritas. I happened to mention to Mom that I'm thinking about going to the Unitarian Universalist service this Sunday and she sort-of laughed and asked why the heck I was thinking of doing that. She apologized for the snarkiness later; she's totally stressed about things right now, so I understand. Though I was a little hurt. Usually she supports my spiritual wanderings. But she did have a point - I tried the UU church a few years ago and it wasn't a good fit for the place I was in. McGee asked why it wasn't a good fit. I said that my experience with it felt very social-action focused without a lot of God or Higher Power involved. If I wanted to hear a sermon about various social issues, or a basic lesson on one religion or another then it would be exactly right, but I was looking for something else.

Never one to let a good discussion topic slip by, McGee asked what it was that I was looking for. When I gave several vague answers, he pressed me. He was surprisingly good about it too - letting me know that he was curious to know where I'm coming from and that he really wanted to understand what I was saying. He said if I felt like he was cross-examining me I should let him know. But I didn't. I enjoyed the struggle to put my desires into words. It feels good to stretch the brain.

What it came down to - and we came to this together - is that I want a community of people who are willing to face the shitty parts of life (of which there are many) and be in those places together when necessary, but also to be there to rejoice at the joyous parts of life (of which there are also many). I don't want pat 'oh honey, your grandma's with god now so all is well' sort of comfort, and I don't want 'oh I'm sorry. So, how was American Idol last night?' McGee asked me where God was in this community. This was the harder question and I'm not certain of the answer. I think that God might be what holds the community together, and the joyousness in the pain. God might be what makes people able to be in the shit together without drowning or running away.

The one example of a faith that I find compelling that I gave him was my Grandma H (my dad's mom). She was a Baptist of the no drinking, no dancing variety. Grandma had some hardships in her life. Her parents divorced in an age when that rarely ever happened. Her daughter, my aunt Pat, was killed in a car accident at the age of 18. Only now can I even get a hint of how incredibly painful that must have been. She had a long battle with breast cancer. And yet, she was always joyous. While she may not always have been in a good mood, she did always appreciate life and live it to the fullest. She danced with my brother and me to "Pink Elephants" from the Dumbo soundtrack. She played games with us. I don't know how to express it - but there was a love and a light in her and I think much of that came from her faith and her love for Jesus. I came across a letter from her today. She wrote it when she was dying and addressed it to me to be delivered 'only if I am unable to come back'. She writes:

Dear Aubrey,
This is a little letter that hopefully you will not receive, because I prefer to come back for some more hugs and a chance to tell you once again, how much I love you and how very much you mean to me. You have been a joy and a pleasure in my life since the day you were born, and I suppose I might just be a partial grandmother, but I think I had two of the cutest fun grandbabies that ever lived. Its sad to be thinking of the possibility of having to part with you. I know for sure that Jesus lives in my heart, has the power to bring me successfully through this bit of an ordeal and heal me completely. What I don't know for sure, is how long He intends to leave me on earth. I didn't have anything to say about the date I was born to my home here on earth, adn I can safely trust "Him" my heavenly father to decide when He is ready to bring me into my new home - the one He's preparing for me in Heaven. I am so glad I invited Jesus into my heart to live with me here. It is so good to have Him going through this with me, knowing that I will still be living when its all over. Either back here in my body, or should He decide to have me move out of my little ol' body and come ot live with Him and my Patti and sister Joycie and Mom in Heaven. I just want you to always remember I am still living and still loving you. Honey, there just aren't words that can express how much I love you. Love, from Grandma H.

That comfort, that hope... that's what I long for.

McGee said that, for him, he couldn't find a way that including God in his life would make it good. That he sees all the shitty things humans do to other humans in the name of God, so better to leave God out of it. Unfortunately it was the end of the meal and Tai had long lost interest in the food and Mom was running out of things to show him in the restaurant so the conversation ended there. I don't necessarily have an answer for him. And it's not my place to convince him of anything. I guess the one argument I could make would be that people do amazingly good things in the name of God, too. And - what is the definition of God anyway?

Date: 2009-01-23 06:25 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] twirlgrrl.livejournal.com
How can I simultaneously have so much and nothing to say?

Date: 2009-01-23 06:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] aubreym.livejournal.com
Probably in the same way as it was unbelievably difficult to put my thoughts into words last night.

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