Seeking Samadhi

Random thought of the day:  I'm sitting on the couch watching House, when 13 gets a call from a clinic where she applied for a job.  The woman on the call says "we loved meeting you and, well, the job's yours".   Suddenly I found myself wishing that I was the one getting that call - that I was getting a 'real job' outside the house.  I'm not sure what that's about, maybe wishing for the mundaniaty of a day job.  Maybe wishing for someone in a position of authority to tell me that I'm someone who knows what they're doing, who would do a good job.  Or maybe I'm wishing for a job where my boss doesn't have a screaming tantrum on the street that is so loud and intense that neighbors come out to make sure no one is being kidnapped. 

Tai had a tough day - getting dressed was tantrum worthy, even with grandma visiting.  Going potty before bed was tantrum worthy.  Going the wrong direction on the sidewalk - right, tantrum worthy.  I'm not sure whether he was teething, hitting his terrible twos early, or still getting over the most recent illness, but wow.  I'm tired.  (Possibly because I'm still getting over whatever virus it was that we had.)

Second random thought of the day: I was in the car with mom and I asked her when she stopped being surprised at being The Mother - or if she'd ever felt that way.  Yesterday we were hanging out together after she'd been in the desert for a week, and at one point Tai wanted to be carried.  Mom offered to carry him, but he chose to have me carry him.  She said, "Oh, you want Mommy."  For a minute I found myself surprised both that he chose *me*, and also that I am The Mommy, with all that entails (both the responsibility and the bonuses).  I can't believe he's almost two and I still catch myself looking over my shoulder for the Real Mommy to come home and take Tai from Babysitter Me.  Not very often, and not with real desire for it to happen.  

It was funny, Mom said she didn't remember whether she ever felt that or not.  She couldn't tease out whether that was because she had a different relationship with her mother than the relationship we have, or whether it's a facet of our relationship or what.  Interesting question, though.

Also - we stopped at Target on the way home from Babys R Us (I had to pick up a pump part for my breast pump) and with all of the holiday decorations up, I am suddenly looking forward to the winter festivities.  I can't wait to make this time just as magical for Tai as Halloween was.  It's only going to be more fun as he gets older.  

  Dear Tai,

I can't believe you are almost a year and a half old.  As I was saying to your Grandma earlier today - sometimes it feels like you've been a toddler for a long time. I can barely remember when you were an infant!  Even when you're challenging, you are also so much fun and so amazing.  You are growing up so quickly.

Lately you've been loving to sing - songs of your own (though I usually don't understand your words), and also songs that you learn from me and your Grandma.  You enjoy the Eensy Weensy Spider.  You can do most of the signs that go with the words and your favorite part is "washed the spider out".  It almost always makes you grin.  Today, for the first time, you asked me for "If you're happy and you know it" out of the blue.  You clapped and then did the 'hooray!" part and when I guessed what you wanted, you were so pleased.  

We're working together on the communication front.  You're learning more and more words, and I'm pretty good at guessing what you mean other times.  You say 'on' and 'off', 'up' and 'down', 'knee', 'eat', 'juice', 'puffs', 'moo'.  You still point, usually emphatically.  You know what you want and how you want it.  You know what a lot of animals say - dogs, cats, cows, horses, pigs (you do the snorting sound), sheep, ducks, lizards (sticking out tongue), bunnies (wrinkle nose), fish (open mouth), owls (hoo hoo).  You enjoy sounds - you mimic sirens and the ring that Grandma's livingroom clock makes.

You had your first kiss just the other day.  On Friday we went down to Red HIll books to check out a story hour and happened to meet up with Mara and her daughter Dottie, from our Mom's Group.  After the story hour, Mara and I got coffee while you and Dottie raced around Progressive Grounds.  At one point Mara said, "Dottie, do you want to give Tai a kiss?"  She didn't seem to, but you headed right over and stood in front of her.  When it was clear she wasn't going to make the first move, you leaned forward and then Dottie did kiss you.  It was adorable - if only I had my camera out!  You played with her for quite a while.  I'm hoping that you two become good friends.

You are really moving now.  You run, you walk forwards and backwards, you can get a bit of air when you jump, you can really dance.

We traveled back East and to Michigan to visit family again this month.  We celebrated your Daddy's cousin's, Madison, coming of age.  You stayed up late and danced and played with my bangles and were the life of the party.  You had a fabulous time playing basketball with your uncles, Kenny, Andrew and Patrick.  You played with your Grandpa Harmon's cane and explored his garden.  You played piano with your cousin David and the guitar with Grandpa Harmon.  You even enjoyed the Smithsonian museums we went through.  You are becoming quite an adept traveller.

Daddy went to China over the past week - and for the first time you really seemed to notice he was gone.  Or at least you were better able to communicate it.  You often said, "Dada?"  And when we were going to bed at night, you'd look over at his spot and ask about him again.  When he got home on Sunday, we all lay down in bed together and you had the biggest grin in the world.  You kept saying, "Mama Dada, mama dada" and every so often while you were nursing, you'd glance over at him and smile.  

It is so good to be a family.  I am blessed.

Love always and forever,
Momma

Without Holidailies to keep me honest, I'm just not so good at getting journal entries together.  Add to this the fact that I forget a thought almost as quickly as I have it, I'm going to stick to bullet points in this entry.  We'll see whether I come back to any topic or not.  I'll do my best!

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My brother has been in town for two and a half days and we're already bordering on irritating each other.  One of the things I'd like to do in my quest to become an adult is to learn how to hang out with him without feeling like we're about 14 and 10 again.  (And maybe that's over-estimating the ages we act.)

Generally we get along pretty well.  We love each other, without a doubt, and I know that no matter what happens in my life, he has my back.  When Tom broke up with me briefly back in my senior year of college and broke my heart, Quin offered to drive up to Rhode Island to kick his ass.  He was mostly serious about the offer, and if I had said yes he would have.  My grandma used to tell stories about how Quin and I would be fighting like cats and dogs, but if anyone else intervened, we'd unite and get mad at them instead.

But sometimes he drives me up the wall.  Whenever Mom asked him to do something to give her a hand while preparing for Christmas, he'd complain and half the time not do it.  She asked him not to poke one of her candles so the wax wouldn't get on the good table cloth (yes, a tiny bit of an anal request but that's neither here nor there) and he pouted for 20 minutes.  He was nice enough to hang out with me when I visited twirlgrrl and Blue today, but he did complain about not 'doing' anything.  (Don't worry, L - he had fun in the Haight later.  I just would have rather hung out at your place longer.)

Part of the problem is we're both into different things.  He'd be perfectly happy walking through the Mission or the Haight for the millionth time, but Golden Gate park is boring. He wants to go out to bars at night, preferably with Tom and/or me, but we're not much on the being out after 10 thing now that we have Tai.  Mom isn't so willing to help us to strike a compromise, always telling us to make a plan.  I suppose since we're both adults we shouldn't need our mother to run interference, but it does help.

The other problem is my family seems to be in the habit of spending *all* of our time together when we're visiting each other.  Like if I don't join them at the bar or a movie I'm a total kill-joy and I'm bringing the whole thing down, and sometimes Quin refuses to participate altogether.  So I get guilted into doing something I don't want to do and instead of just saying that I agreed to it, I get irritated.  Wendy encourages me to learn how to do it differently - reminding me that we can each do something we enjoy while letting someone else do something they enjoy.  But it takes time to shift a dynamic.

I'd just like to make things smoother, because it ends up making holidays tiring and stressful.  And when he's staying at our house it's a little too cozy.  Or maybe I'm just tired because I have a baby.